Staying Up Late And Watching Television Can Be Fun

Webster,s Dictionary defines the ,,D.M.V.,, as a zone which has been demilitarized. Webster,s Dictionary defines ,,demilitarize,, as the act of dissolving or making the army invisible or at least the army men much smaller. Webster,s Dictionary defines ,,or,, as a thing that means a paddle for a boat or something. The moral of these definitions is that I went to the D.M.V. earlier today.

What if somebody put out a really nice looking dictionary in which about thirty percent of the definitions were wrong? It would be marketed as a normal dictionary but it would be in the fiction section of bookstores and libraries. It looks like I just thought of my next project. I'm going to call it Webster Dictionary and use the same fonts and colors they use.

Guess what kind of people were at the D.M.V. Great people were at the D.M.V. I wasn,t there long so I probably missed it, but I did not get to see any surly black dudes listening to distorted music on the speaker of the phone that they procured (and will undoubtedly later try and sell) on some form of public transportation. They are a cornerstone of any mandatory mass gathering of people. I did, however get to see a floppy Hispanic girl covering her mouth with a piece of paper while asking somebody on the cellular phone she was trying to hide, ,,So, does like up mean right? Like, if you put your arm up that means right?,, as she was in line to take the written portion of her driving examination.

Hella - Tripper
My favorite character of the morning was a horrendous beast of burden. She was dressed how she imagined a raver would dress without ever having seen one herself. She looked fifty but smoking ice and sniffing crushed up Xanax can age you pretty rapidly so I can,t be sure of her age. She was a rough cut of meat though. She wore beautiful blue lipstick completely encircling her unevenly dilated eyes. She kept quickly looking up as high as she could without moving her head. The action seemed as if it was done against her will and caused her pain. She barked gravelly words that were often in English but were sometimes monosyllabic tones. She acted as if these tones were words but there is no way that it was any kind of formal language. She knew that. She was probably just too embarrassed to admit it.

She told some woman that she planned on looking beautiful for her driver's license picture and that she hasn't had a picture of herself with black hair since she was nineteen. She then asked the woman how long ago that was. I hope she somehow passed the driving portion of the examination while being completely intoxicated. She grabbed another woman that was walking near her and shouted, ,,Baby! Baby! Baby!,, because the poor girl was holding an infant. She then hugged the frightened Mexican and kissed the small child,s face, leaving it to live the rest of its life with several surely-incurable diseases.

The Gravy Plug

A cool girl with bleached top hairs and a tattoo of a cassette tape that said Punk Rock under it that was staying at my work went to Vans® Warped Tour ,11. She is gone now but she was nice enough to leave some stuff in her room for me to find. She left some Vegan Outreach literature as well as a PETA2 leaflet. She probably left it hoping that whoever found it would learn the error of their meat eating ways and become a vegan fashion punk. She is in luck. I am a black page readily waiting to be filled with the ideologies of those that have the means to print and distribute pamphlets.

Did you know that ,,Animals Are Like Us,,?

,,Pigs are smarter than dogs and young children. They are affectionate and like to play video games.

Hens and their chicks talk to each other ... even while the chick is still in the egg.

If you give an apple or a small ball to a group of turkeys, they,ll play with it together, kind of like they,re on a football or soccer team.

Cows are excellent mothers - they even take turns babysitting for each other!

Fish grow underwater algae gardens. Using their mouths like we use our hands, they weed out algae they don,t like so the tastier kinds can grow.,,

Arvo Pärt - Fratres
Wow, that,s some great, compelling information. Fish grow weed. This pamphlet was right, it really is everything I need to know about animal rights. I am so glad that that dumb punk rock girl left this for me to find. What an angel.

She was also gracious enough to leave the Vans® Warped Tour ,11 Official Program ,,We Are Warped,, Band Guide And Autograph Book. Let,s see if she got any great Warped bands to autograph this Alternative Press publication. Nope, no autographs. Bummer. But skimming this little magazinette has made me want to join the United States Marines and/or Army as well as wear brightly colored sleeveless shirts and have long, straight hair. I hope they have vegan and vegetarian meal options in the Army for me.

Happy Birthday

I went on a weird trip the other day. I went halfway up Oregon and then turned around and came home. I didn,t mean to go to Oregon. I don,t really care about that place. I meant to go to Wyoming because I like to pretend that I,m a cowboy because I listen to country music sometimes and Wyoming used to be called ,,The Cowboy State,,. Now it,s called ,,The Equality State,, which is fitting because that kid was tied to a fence and beaten to death there in the nineties because some hicks thought being gay was dumb. They are the dumb ones. Being gay is cool. I,m joking. It,s not cool. It,s as stupid as being anything else.

Oregon was alright. I ate some dust covered berries. They were growing next to the road and I just couldn,t help myself. They tasted fine but they were weird to eat because they were cooked by the sun. I had never eaten a hot berry before. It was very sensual and I don,t think I was in any sort of mood for anything sensual at that time. I also got some hose water from a blue Catholic church. That was nice of the good Lord and his hose. There were two wastoids watching me while I got my water. I knew that there were two of them but could only see one because they were sort of trying to hide. I overheard them mumbling and burping at each other incoherently until one of them shouted, ,,Old Hickory! He had wooden hands. He had wooden hands. He,s the guy. ,Don,t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!, That was a long time ago,,.

Das Oath - Mini LP
Later, I bought small tub of pasta salad without thinking things through (alliteration). The small tub ended up being gigantic in the hot August sun. I also learned that mayonnaise is not a great breakfast when you don,t like mayonnaise. It was nice wasting two thirds of it but I figured my body would thank me for throwing away two dollars worth of slop rather than subjecting my bowels to howling diarrhea and anal sweats. I ate some French fries later and those were fine.

I spent much of the trip falling asleep whenever I wanted. I stayed up the whole night before and was in a constant state of near-collapse from exhaustion. It was weird being able to immediately fall asleep in an instant. I have never enjoyed that luxury before. I usually have to think thoughts before I can fall asleep. Not this time. I just had to decide that I would sleep and in under a minute I would be having hunger induced night terrors. I would later wake up confused and disoriented. I would not know where I was and my head would itch and I would be convinced that I had lice.

Slingshot

Here,s something dumb. I made some tapes with my sweet little roommate and I am going to show you what they look like with a picture. I,m not talking to anybody. Nobody is reading this. Whatevs. You can buy one if you want or listen to the music on the tape. It,s rock and roll music, ever heard of it?

Drunkdriver - Born Pregnant
So if you want to hear the songs we pooped out or buy the cool looking tape we pooped out you can go here.

In other news, I didn,t poop for three days but I,m pooping normally now. That was weird but nice. I wish I only pooped once every three days. I would save water and I would probably steal less toilet paper from my work. What if people only pooped for four or five days out of the month sort of like the way girls squirt blood from their underwear? That would be alright too. It could get you out of doing P.E. in high school and you would have to learn that it,s a normal part of growing up in your sixth grade Sexual Education class. I,d like to see the state mandated videos they would show in that class to education boys and girls about their four day long turd fests.