Grill Your Ram

I am horrible. I just farted and it smells like a kind,s playground. I quit using Chapstick a while ago and my lips feel, look, and taste like worms on a July sidewalk. It,s awful. Now I know what people felt like in Auschwitz. I don,t know when it is supposed to go away. Does everybody use Chapstick all the time? If you quit using it do your lips remain disgusting and shriveled and bloody for the rest of your life? I have all of these unanswered questions and I can,t find a support group anywhere. I would start one but I would set a very bad example by having a set of lips that looked like grilled chicken penises.

Max Tundra - Which Song Single/QY20 Songs EP
I may have to get surgery if this problem doesn,t fix itself. I think people do that all the time. Celebrities do. They can afford to stop using Chapstick and get reconstructive surgery to inject life back into those chalky gummies. If I eat anything with salt I scream out in pain. Hot stuff is out of the question. I have been living on gruel and powdered milk that I have been snorting. I could probably eat ground up stuff through a straw so it would bypass my festering sores. I feel like it is going to spread through the inside of my body and I am going to have chapped guts. Millions of people die from that every year.

I would get a lip transplant with somebody. I would flip them upside down though. I am tired of having a fat, swollen bottom lip. My top teeth aren,t as insulated. It,s their time to shine. I would try and get two top lips so I could never close my mouth. I knew a kid who looked like he had two top lips. He always pissed me off.

I Am Getting Tired

Tomorrow I have to spend the night at work. I have never done that before because sleeping in this place is gross and sometimes people wake up covered in bugs. I don't want that to be me. I am terrified of things that can make me itch. The only reason I am doing it is because I recently spent all of the money I have ever earned and I will be getting paid to sleep.

I have to work the morning after I stay there so it'll be like a sixteen hour long shift. I think I,ll try and stay up all night so I can be crazy the next day. Maybe I,ll sleep on the foosball table. I think I,ll put all of the sheets in the dryer before I go to bed so it,ll kill all of the bugs and make for extra comfortable sleeping arrangements. I also think it might be nice to shout intermittently throughout the night to worry other guests. They wouldn,t be quick little bursts of noise. I would want them to be long, sustained, flat shouts that lasted between eight and fifteen seconds each. They would sound like I was saying the word ,,ball,, for a long time. If anybody complains to my boss I can just tell him that I have chronic night terrors.

Tex Ritter - Blood On The Saddle
I don,t really have chronic night terrors. I rarely remember any of my dreams. I like to think that all of my dreams can,t be remembered because I fart them out in my sleep. I wonder if my roommate ever hears me farting my dreams out. Probably. Sometimes in the morning, when I,m still in bed, I can hear him farting in the bathroom. Hi Ben.

I remember when he and I were driving somewhere and we were at a stoplight and he was picking his nose. He doesn,t usually care about that stuff because he,s a punk rocker and boogers are just free food anyway. Some girls in a car next to us saw him picking his nose and started flailing their arms and laughing, trying to get his attention to assure him that they had caught him in this shameful, forbidden act. He saw them laughing and mimicking him so he stared them right in the eyes, stuck his finger deep into his nose, and popped it right into his mouth. He makes John Lydon look like a dead baby,s cock tip.

Breathing Hard

Last night I went to a dumb punk show. It was dumb because punkers are dumb. There was so much dark clothing and black girls with blond hair and leather and patches and refusal to follow societal norms of basic human hygiene and courtesy. Somebody dropped their weed pipe and the weed pipe broke and spilled weed and pipe glass all over the floor. 4:20 foul. As some girl was throwing the smokey shards in the trash, my friend suggested that somebody scrape the resin out of the bowl and smoke that. A real punker would never let weed scrapings go to waste.

I spent a lot of the show outside trying to absorb the local character and secondhand smoke and spit. A lot of people were spitting. I also wanted to watch the homeless guy that was in the alley shake as he tried to fight off his internal demons in a restless, dreamless sleep. Myself and two of my friends we sitting in the small, holocaust-style barbed wire enclosed area outside when two strange, office casual, mid thirties women came out and asked for cigarettes. They stood on the other side of the fence and one of them started weeping. She was very upset about her treatment by the patrons of the boring show.

Deerhoof - Deerhoof VS. Evil
She explained to her friend that, ,,I should be at a nice bar sipping cocktails. Somebody in there stepped on my foot and now it,s probably all bloody and swollen. I don,t want to get punched anymore. I,m thirty-one years old, I can,t deal with this. Nobody has a cigarette. Brad is being a total douche bag. I am so pissed off that you are the only person that came out here. Somebody kicked my leg".

All of this was said with the eerie wail that adult women have when they are crying or trying to get attention. Her name was Ryan but I bet it was spelled Ryenne. It was all very surreal. Eventually, Ryenne,s friend convinced her to go back inside because it was cold and they were there to support a friend. The friend they were supporting was a bald guy with a matted bug beard and fingerless skeleton gloves that may or may not have glowed in the dark at some point. I am so glad that they both paid to go to a dumb show and got their Target brand faux leather shoes stepped on by some ugly kids wearing Crass patches. Thanks to them, I have decided to kill myself before I turn forty.

Blue

Last night, a friend of mine said that if he had one wish it would be for me to have texting. I wonder if you can even remove the texting option on newer phones. I doubt it. I think new phones can only text. They are just used for texting and playing really distorted rap music in public places and using Facebook to ask girls to have sex.

Me and the old Death Cab For Cutie cover band wrecked a potentially cool show last night. My friend felt bad enough for us to ask us if we wanted to play and we eagerly agreed to ruin the evening. Whatever, I'm sure nobody noticed because all of the songs we play sound like we mess up a lot because we mess up a lot when we,re playing those songs. That,s what you get when you don,t practice or write good songs.

Mansion Closets - You Always Do This
There were some strange characters there last night. There was one guy with a staunch neck beard that kept offering me Chaptick. I had my own so I politely declined his repeated offers. He then told me I should go home and watch some Jay and Silent Bob clips on Youtube because I would ,,laugh my ass off,,. Boy was he right. Jokes about weed and sex and masturbating have never been in higher demand. I crave them. I need them.

I remember when I was a kid and a lot of my friends first figured out that drinking alcohol makes you feel weird. There was this kid who really figured it out. I vividly recall him drinking a whole lot of a bottle of vodka with tears running down his face. I think we were probably thirteen at the time. He,s dead now, thank God. He did the old take-a-bunch-of-pills-and-fall-asleep-forever-on-purpose thing. Good for him. Reaching your goals can be fun. What if his crying parents read this. Bummer.

He probably would have liked Jay and Silent Bob clips on Youtube. I was at a party with him once and they kept playing the movie Super Troopers over and over and in one of the bedrooms there was a kid looking at clips of the Super Troopers on Youtube.The kid watching those clips told me that he wanted to have sex that night and a few minutes later his girlfriend broke up with him.