Wafts The Wind On My Hair

Filling out the paperwork to get a restraining order is way too hard. You have to know pertinent details about the person that you want to stop verbally molesting you. Stuff like their whole name, their real name, how tall they are, their address, and you have to check a box for how you are acquainted with the person.

All of this is really difficult when you have only ever hung out with the greasy-haired person in question like 6 times and all of the weird, cryptic emails you have ever received from them use different names and purposefully spell things wrong in a strange attempt to stick it to the man (the grammar-and-spelling-man that is). You go grrrl. This combination of misinformation and weird quotes like, ,,He and I have been in a relationship since June.,, makes for an interesting story to tell the piece of paper you,re filling out.

Pissed Jeans - Shallow
The thing that really made me do all of this fun legal paperwork was that this creeper once sent me an email saying that she seriously considered jumping the fence around my apartment to get inside when I wouldn,t open the door once because I was sick or sleeping or something. Well, that and when she barged into my house and kept turning all of the lights on and off, I hate that. Well, that and the fact the we were in a relationship for several months and she didn,t even bother to tell me. How was I supposed to draw her a weird picture of swirls with tape all over it for our two and a half month anniversary? Well, that and the fact that she called me fifty-something times in one day. Well, that and the fact that her emails are way too long. Well, that and the fact that she would make videos that were just a single shot with nothing moving for nine minutes. Just take a picture and look at it for nine minutes and you won,t even need to get your computer out or edit anything. Doi. Well, that and the fact that once, last Summer, when I was really sick she came over and when I told her I just wanted to sleep so I wouldn,t die she decided to just wait in the living room as I lay sweating and utterly terrified that she was sneaking around outside to peek through my window and watch me being scared and wet. Well, that and this other time I was at a rich girl,s party watching people drink wine right out of the bottle and enjoying myself when my sweet little roommate called me and told me that the creeper had come over and that he was going to bed and that she said she was just going to wait there. So I said goodnight to roomie and hung out at the party for a good while longer hoping that when I got home she would understand that it was two in the morning and that I had to work at seven and she would be long gone. Of course she was not. She was there. Sitting ever so quietly on the couch. So I had to sit with her for an hour or something before I told her I was going to sleep so I didn,t die. That,s what really did it. It just kept coming down to the fact that when I was around her I would sleep so I wouldn,t die.

I can,t wait until she reads this.

The Simpsons

I signed up for three classes at a sloppy community college the other day. They started this week but I only went to two of them because the first one was on the king of Africa,s birthday. I was pretty excited about them because I only had to pay five dollars to go and that,s just about as much as a Big Mac meal at McDonald,s and I love those.

So this morning I dropped all those Big Mac classes because the teacher and other kids in the class were really strange. The teacher kept talking about how we had to act like it was 1864. He said it over and over and over. To a room full of black people. Call me a racist, but I,m pretty sure that 1864 was before the Civil War was over and those shiny black faces would have been property rather than paying customers at a learning institution. I think he was hoping that none of them knew they datez ,n stuff.

Efterklang - Magic Chairs
He then said that immigrants must assimilate in order to live in his country by law. Actually, he said assimulate and then told us that we didn,t know what that word meant and gave us the definition of the word autofellatio. It was weird. He told all the French people to quit acting French and all the Mexicans that they Mexican,t act like themselves anymore.

Then I left and wondered what he would have told all those black faces if we would have had class last Monday. Probably the same thing but with more Michael Richards stand up impersonations.

Dark Arch

So I,m going to treat this old Bline here like my own personal Yeehaw Answers and ask, Can you trick yourself into having food poisoning? I think I,m doing it. Last night I made myself some noods and decided instead of using plain old Greek,s blood (olive oil) I would use this jar of almost-empty sauce that was in the fridge. Now, I knew it had been there for quite some time, perhaps open for over a month. But the sell by date was clearly September 11th of last year which I took as a good sign.

There were some fun looking white spots around the inside brim of the jar but like any good sport I figured that giving them a good strong wipe with a slightly used/wet coffee filter would eliminate any chance of me dying from ingesting the poisonous mushrooms that may have once grown there. I also added a good bit of olive oil because in my head, that has some disinfecting or sanitizing properties.

Tenniscoats - Tan-Tan Therapy
The dinner wasn,t great but whatever. It probably had to do with the fact that I kept telling myself that I was going to get really sick from eating that terrorist sauce. Now, nearly 15 hours later, my guts keep trying to give me the wiggle. I,m constantly drinking water with the hope that it will weigh down the puke so that it won,t be able to make the trip back up to greet the new world.

So if anybody knows if I,m going to die or if it is just me being weird and tricking myself into dying then let me know.

The Rich Girls I Know

I always think it is so weird to open presents in front of people. Even if it,s not the people that got them for you, it still sucks. If it is the person that got you the gift you have to make sure that you react like it,s rad and that you were planning on buying it any way and that you need it for the next time you do anything.

I got my dad some detective novel written in the 1930s and when he opened it he said, ,,How did you know?,,. That is too much of a reaction. Everybody knew that he had never wanted that book and probably can,t even read (he wears glasses so people think he can, just like Santa).

Pete Drake - Steel Away
It,s even harder if you have to open gifts in front of people that didn,t get them for you. You have to find that perfect middle ground of surprise, admiration, and care so you don,t look like the jerk that you are and they won,t taddle on you to the people that got them for you (tis the season). You have to act like you really needed the electric guitar key chain or Gore-Tex scarf that your uncle got you because he doesn,t remember that you dress like a human being.

I,m usually pretty into all the gifts I get though. I guess that makes me greedy. Whatever. If people are going to go through the effort of pretending they thought of me when they were buying the giant half-zip sweatshirt with weird collar and camouflage boxer briefs (also too big, I,m built like Anne Frank. Too soon?) from Kmart then the least I can do is be into it while I return it to get store credit and buy what I really wanted - the new Drake album. He came into my heart in a wheelchair but has left the confines of his shiny two-wheeled ambulatory monster to dance/rap and carve weird lines in the side of his hair. And that is what the season is all about.

Thanks Skin Flute