Very Good Cook

I just cut my fingernails because the most important day of the year is coming up and I want to be ready for it. This Friday I am going to go to the mandarin festival which is the best thing. I get to go and walk around in the cold and eat free mandarins. I get to eat the best food in the world for free and I probably get other good foods for free as well.

I,ll spend the morning surrounded by bewildered old people who will wander the frosted grounds looking at unbelievably expensive olive oils and stupid ceramic plates designed to grate ginger and wasabi. They will buy these plates and oils for their ugly children and grandchildren who will never use or appreciate them and then they will return to the old person caves.

Marc Johnson/Eliane Elias - Swept Away They are a sad yet honorable bunch, but they are not important. The free fruit is important. I will bring a few changes of clothes so it will be more difficult for the vendors to recognize me when I return again and again to their booths to ,,sample,, their delectable, little, orange spheres. They,ll never know what hit them.

Sometimes there are hot tubs there because apparently people who sell hot tubs think that a festival based around citrus fruit is a good place to try and trick people into buying expensive, outdoor bathtubs. If I don,t like a particular grower,s mandarin, I will throw it in the boiling tubs of gross water and let it cook. It will make me feel like a warlord because I have no concept of what warlords did.