Tattoos

I haven,t brushed my teeth in two years. What I mean by that is that I haven,t been to a dentist,s office in two years. That,s not completely true, it will be two years this Thursday. But, I,m going to the dentist that day so it,ll balance out perfectly and they,ll only have to remove my bottom teeth, not all of them. If you don,t go to the dentist for two years they take half of your teeth away as punishment. If you wait more than two years, they take all of your teeth.

I started flossing a week ago. I,ve never done that before and I,ll tell you why - because it is awful. It is one of the least fun things I have tried to do regularly and voluntarily. Blood gets everywhere. My hands and mouth and torso are almost completely covered in blood by the end of it. I almost wrote ,,blog,, instead of ,,blood,,.

Ekkehard Ehlers - A Life Without Fear
My teeth are really jammed together because I never got braces like most white kids did. I don,t know why. One of my front teeth clearly overlaps the other. It,s like they,re hugging. Maybe everybody thought that my hugging teeth were adorable and that,s why I never got them fixed. Now I have to live with the consequences. I,m hoping that if I floss vigorously enough at sharp right angles I will be able to slowly pull my front teeth from their loving embrace and I will look like a human being for the first time since I was a dumb baby without any teeth.

I should really look up if self dental surgery is cool and find out some tricks, tips, and shortcuts. I don,t want to look like this forever. I,m already hurting myself everyday with floss so I might as well go all the way and pull my teeth into whatever position I want them. Maybe I,m getting ahead of myself. I,m sure the dentist will tell me that I need all new teeth anyway. Then I,ll be able to get them however I want. I,ll get rap teeth.

Rooms

I finally got to go to the hospital yesterday without having some bald guy tell me that I wasn't welcome there after getting my no-no place scrubbed with poison. This time a stoner doctor (I think his name was Dr. Bad Ass Cool Guy That Surfs) kept referring to my testicles as ,,nuts,, and burnt some stuff out of me. He did a good job, I think because I still have at least one penis. It was an overall great experience and I think everybody should try it at least once.

The best part of the whole experience was hearing the sound of him burning things that belong inside of what he called my ,,nutsack,,. No, the real best part was the scrub nurse telling me that a lot of people get vasectomies because they are cheating on their wives. No, the real, real best part was that the doctor had long greasy hair and kept making strange jokes while he was touching me. No, the absolutely real best part was that he had braces on his bottom teeth. That,s the thing that kept me from falling apart on the operating table. Every time I felt any pain I would just glance up and look at him until I got a good view of his shiny adult braces. That,s the sign of a true professional.

Loretta Lynn - Sings
I don,t really feel too bad, which is nice, but I sort of wanted to so I could have an excuse to be a big baby and make people carry me places. I have been using the phrase ,,I went under the knife,, to try and get people,s sympathy and use them as work beasts to bring me snacks and juice. I didn,t even go under the knife though. There was no knife. He used a needle and a soldering iron to do most of it. I think he may have used a strand of his dirty hair to sew me up because the nurses were on strike that day and they took the, I don't know what they use. They probably use normal thread to sew people up. The nurses took the thread with them to go on strike.

They really were on strike yesterday. I got an email a couple of days ago saying that they would go on strike and picket the hospital for just one day and that,s when I was having my surgery, so that was nice. I liked knowing that the good nurses were outside, trying to get a living wage for the difficult work that they do while the backup, imported nurses were there to see to my safety. The scrub nurse that scrubbed my unmentionables was cool though. I couldn,t understand anything she was saying because of her thick Peruvian accent but I sure acted like I could. I hope I signed a waiver saying that they can harvest my organs in two years.