Oral Suction

I just did an inordinate amount of driving. I am an idiot and blasted through my life savings in twelve minutes when I bought a stupid car. Ultimate Bummer. Following the logic that I generally use which makes me the horrible, miserable person that I am, I figured I might as well spend the paycheck I haven,t even got yet on gas driving to the middle of nowhere and turning around and driving home. So that,s what I did.

I left way too late at night after working for eight hours and having the most suicide-inducing ,,band practice,, of my life. The trip was off to a great start. I drove until I was casually weaving on and off of the paved surface and slept in a dirt parking lot next to some toilets that were covered in blood and flies. Luv U Nevada! I spent the next day eating warm bagels and listening to the same four records over and over. I did get to enjoy the sublime luxury of yet another freetel though. That was nice.

That evening I walked around in a parking lot and looked at the terrifying hills and ubiquitous TacoTime Home-Style Mexican Food Restaurants. I enjoyed a lovely dinner of fried pickles and sloppy waitresses. One of the fifteen year old kids eating at the restaurant kept getting called fat and it gave him a very loud, obnoxious complex about his neck and face. He wasn,t fat but he was ugly.

Aphex Twin - Melodies From Mars
I had a very tight schedule to keep which meant I had to drive for at least fourteen hours each day. So the next morning I had to get up early, eat a free waffle at the freetel and drive a lot. I didn,t want to see the same stupid road so I went way out of my way so I could look at a different stupid road with weird, lonely rocks on the sides. Everything looked like it wanted to kill me or that it was fake or a mix of both. I felt right at home.

I drove forever and got a nice sunburn. Luv U Nevada! I bought some fireworks called New Small Bees which are exactly as great as you think they are (very), hated how white Utah is, and kept myself from falling asleep at the wheel by counting all of the wind turbines that I passed near my future home all while listening to the same four records.

Smiling

I just went and hung out in a dumb beach town for two days. It was full of homeless people with deteriorating faces and bad attitudes. I ate nothing but giant burritos and my body is now an uncomfortable diarrhea machine at this point. I love it. I only got called a faggot once which was surprising and I didn't even get beaten up or anything.

My friend got us this rad freetel (that,s the new phrase for free hotel). Of course I stayed up way too late and watched some show about a mean fish and Food Network. That was pretty great. Somebody peed their pants next to the pool like it wasn,t no thang. It wasn,t. We went to the beach and walked around looking at horrible people. They were all sufficiently horrible.

I didn,t want to spend a ton of money on food so my friend and I bought a Tombstone and went to some kid,s house to cook it. They had a surprisingly clean oven for the amount of rabbit poop on the ground. Everybody was barefoot and smoking weed the whole time and didn,t get any of the hilarious jokes I kept telling. Their loss.

J Spaceman - Silent Sound
The next day we didn,t know what to do and we didn,t have a place to be since we had to leave the freetel. We were treated to a free breakfast of hard boiled eggs, tomato juice, and cold oatmeal to start our day. After our feast we drove around aimlessly and ended up hanging out at my favorite Safeway. Then we went back to rabbit poop house and sat in the sun. Later we slept next to a pool while a woman made out of a garbage bag half filled with jellyfish pointed her dumper at us.

That night my dumb band played a show at that house. A bunch of collegers came. You could tell they were collegers by the lighters smashed in between boobs, the overwhelming stink of Axe Body Mist that filled the tiny room, and the way that the girls there tried to sop up spilled beer with their bare feet. It was sufficiently horrible. We played a bunch of Minor Threat songs and I told more hilarious jokes before, during, and after we played but people still didn,t get them. Some girl passed out and smashed her face on a keyboard though. That was pretty good. She maintained that she was just really tired and fell asleep for a second. She sure convulsed a lot for just sleeping but maybe that,s how people do it down there.