Wash

I have been watching a lot of bizarre television lately. I just spelled both ,,Television,, and ,,Lately,, incorrectly. It,s probably from watching so much bizarre television lately. I have split my television watching between a weird, unfunny, strange Korean drama about a girl whose name might be Pasta who is verbally and emotionally assaulted while working in a kitchen and a show about black girls screaming. I,m not sure which one is less rewarding to watch, but I do know that I have spent way too much time watching them in the past week.

The Korean show is nuts and it keeps playing the same song over and over and the girl named Pasta always talks like a fat baby with a mouth full of stewed apples. I think I hate her. The show does make me want to eat pasta though, so that,s a plus, I guess. I don,t know any of the character,s names or the story line or anything and I have watched several episodes. All I know is that there is one fat Asian girl in it and she,s not even pretty so it,s a complete waste. Also, one guy talks with a lisp.

Son Of A Bricklayer - Moose Without Antlers The show about black girls screaming is also nuts. For the past few years I have thought that someday I would want to date or at least hang out with a gnarly club girl chicken head who got drunk and fought other girls and wore really bad outfits all the time. After watching this show, I don,t know if I would be physically capable of handling that. It,s not like any crazy chicken head would ever want to hang out with me, but if one accidentally did, I don,t know if I could stand up to the extreme volume. They scream so much and repeat short phrases over and over. It,s like somebody sneezing words repeatedly and it makes me feel sick. I also think that they would hit me and any girl could beat me up so that wouldn,t be a good deal.

I,m not saying that I have taken dating a chicken head off of my list of ways to punish myself before I die, I just think that if it happens, it will be the reason that I die. That would be a cool way to go out though. She would love me a lot and feel bad about yelling at me to death so she would make me a leopard print tombstone that would say something like, ,,yous a bitch but imma miss u.,, It would probably also have a picture of her looking sassy and holding a glass of alcohol and it would have her phone number somewhere on it.

Sick Little Worm

I went and bought cereal last night at 11:30 PM. I usually try to avoid grocery stores when it,s late on a Friday night because they are generally overrun by Ed Hardy muscle dicks and girls wearing shiny blue dresses with their assholes hanging out. Don,t get me wrong, I,m a man who enjoys a good dumper, but not when it is being thrust at me by some emaciated blond girl who,s breath smells like Flintstones chewable vitamins and Grey Goose vodka that she took from her ex-boyfriend,s house right before they broke up earlier that night because they were fighting about how late is too late to take Plan B. She took it anyway but as a precaution, figured the vodka would help slow the development of any nightmare inside of her that will become a reality in nine months.

Luckily, I didn,t have to deal with much of that last night. There were a few guys there that probably wanted to kick my ass for wearing a sweater instead of some hot girl,s pussy juice on my wiener but whatever, I get that feeling whenever I go anywhere. Instead, I got to watch some obviously underage kids buy a ton of alcohol and yelp in excitement as they brought their bounty outside. Good for them. Hopefully they all planned on driving later that night.

After the thirteen year olds left, I was joined in line by two hemp poncho wearing characters. I didn,t bother turning around to get a good look at their pot seed covered beards but I could sure smell them. They were having a fervent discussion on the merits of Home Town Buffet, or as they called it, HTB. Each side had very compelling arguments, both for and against the restaurant. The first gentleman stated his opinion by that, ,,Dude, HTB? Home Town Buffet? That place is gross as shit but it,s fucking good, you know?,, The other gentleman retorted that, ,,Dude, fuck that. That place is hella good.,, I,m not really sure who was for or against that restaurant but there were clearly two opposing sides to the argument and both had well thought out reasons for their position.

Family Room - Blood Orange
Unfortunately, the sassy cashier had finished ringing up and bagging my cereal pretty quickly and it would have been a little too strange for me to wait around and see what other rhetorical gems these two modern day Platos would release upon the world. I humbly took my cereal and walked to my car a little wiser and a little anxious for what will soon be my first visit to the enigmatic HTB.

On the way out, some girl wearing billowy yoga sweats and leopard print slippers walked in front of me and may have farted. She was on the phone with somebody whose name was undoubtedly either Blake of Tyler. I think they were making arrangements for an anal call. It,s like a booty call but all sexual activity is strictly confined to the colon because

A) The girl really likes having her butt stretched
B) The guy is gay but won,t admit it
C) The guy refuses to use a condom because ,,They don,t make ,em big enough for me.,,
D) The girl is on her period
E) She,s pregnant and thinks that if you put a penis where the baby lives it,ll end up gay
F) They both somehow think that you can,t get an S.T.D. if you blast in a rump
G) All of the above