Expensive Evening

I was sort of relying on there being free food at work today. People come here and leave their food that is bad or about to go bad and I usually eat it if I can. Today there is only a thing of cottage cheese, a bottle of Ragu and a half of a bottle of some kind of tea. I believe the Native Americans made a paste by mixing these three ingredients and then fried it into a sort of ceremonial cake on a hot rock using deer fat as a cooking agent. I would be interested in trying this but we all know that Ragu is the very worst of all pasta-style sauces. It,s the Domino,s Pizza of tomato sauce.

Interestingly enough, Domino,s does not use Ragu as their sauce of choice. They actually crush fresh, vine ripened tomatoes using employees, small and large intestines. They then proudly dump their holdings onto a freshly baked, seasoned crust. I just looked up Domino,s tomato sauce to try and quote something but it was really hard to find a company write up about their sauce or their pizza in general. I did find that the tomato sauce has chicken bones in it though. That,s pretty cool. A whole chicken skeleton is ground into every pizza.

Scrateboard - Holiday Spirituals
I am going to have to eat ramen or penne pasta with olive oil like I do almost everyday that I work. I guess it,s my fault for being a moron and never bringing anything different to eat, but I like to blame others for not knowing that I,m an idiot and leaving me food scraps. Luckily, there has been free breakfast food at work everyday for the past month due to the fact that my work started serving breakfast. We set out a plate of bruised, wooden apples and and some stale English muffins with warm tubes of cream cheese and strawberry jam that I scoop back into the jar if people don,t finish it. I cook up two English muffins each morning and rub some butter on there. It,s whatever.

The best part about breakfast is scooping the crumb-filled jam back into the jar. I hate jam and I really don,t like getting my hands sticky but I always make sure to ,,accidentally,, stick my thumb into the spoonful that I,m putting back in the jar if people are watching me. It lets them know that they are valued customers and that their satisfaction is my biggest priority.

The First Day Of Summear

I work six days in a row and then I have one off and then I work four days in a row. Mike Rowe. When I worked at a liquor store I think I worked eleven days in a row once but I didn,t even notice because that job just meant free candy and spearmint energy beef jerky. I notice it here because I don,t like having to see the same people over and over for hours at a time. I don,t mean the deaf people I work with that clean the rooms with me, I mean the overweight balding man that took me into a stairwell this morning to tell me that he got a bloody nose in the bathroom and tried to clean up the blood with his piss. He suggested that I put a cone up in the bathroom because it was so wet that he was scared that somebody might slip and die.

I got a free shirt from work the other day. Somebody had left their backpack here a week or so ago and it was thrown in the lost and found which means it was crammed under a shelf with a bunch of phone chargers and glasses cases. I didn,t care about the backpack because it was dumb but I looked through it to see if there was any money or iPods in there. There wasn,t but there was a weird shirt in there that was stained but fit me and felt like it was made out of plastic. I washed it and wore it that day to see my dad and bring him a cake for Father,s Day. He made me dinner and we watched an old movie and I enjoyed the Mexican character saying, ,,I think,, at the end of his sentences. I think the true meaning of Father,s Day is appreciating blatant racism that was once so acceptable in this great country.

Samamidon - But This Chicken Proved Falsehearted
I once found twenty five hundred dollars at work. Maybe I already wrote about it. There is no way I am going to check and see if I have already written about it. I found a purse under a bed filled with money that belonged to some Italian jerks and I was elated that I would be able to buy myself some nice juice at the grocery store. My friend calls the grocery store ,,the grocery,,. The Italian jerks realized that they were a missing a tiny bit of their piles of money so they were back in fifteen minutes to rip a fat dump on my dreams of delicious, cool juice.

I,ve been finding a lot of those tiny cubes that you plug into the wall and then plug a cord into that are used for charging iPods. I have two now and there is another one here as well. I wish they had the packaging with them because they are thirty or forty dollars a piece and I would gladly scoop up whatever store credit I could by returning them. Of course I would use said credit to buy juice.

I brought home a bunch (two half six packs and three fourths of a four pack) of imported beer yesterday. Is it still imported if it is just made in the style of an English beer but it,s really made in Connecticut? It was imported to California so that probably counts. I don,t know what I,m going to do with that beer. I put it in the fridge and it,ll probably just sit there. I left it in a hot car first because that,s supposed to make it taste better.

I Hate Cats So Much

In the last two days I have eaten an ungodly amount of cereal. I love cereal. I used to eat it a ton when I was a kid. It,s the easiest thing in the world to make and everybody knows that I am a disgustingly lazy person. Cereal and I went hand in hand. Back in my prime cereal days, I used to really like Corn Flakes. I would usually just eat them with milk. Sometimes though, I would put a diabetic amount of sugar in there. I would put so much that the top would be completely white and when I would shovel down to the bottom of the bowl I would scoop up a wet, gritty mound of gold to accompany the soggy flakes. It was great.

Now I hate sweet stuff. I don,t eat or drink anything fun anymore. Probably because of those goddamn cereals. Everything I eat and drink is boring. When I want to go really wild I will have a glass of orange juice and think about what chocolate looks like. God, even that is making me wince. I usually just boil some red pepper flakes and half of a turnip in my shoe for dinner. That,s about all of the flavor I can handle.

But this cereal I have been eating the passed two days has been insane. I rarely eat cereal anymore because it is way too expensive for a human being. So when I stumble upon a free, huge bag of Silly Circles brand family oat and fruit flavored cereal style breakfast food, I jump at the opportunity. I poured myself a giant bowl of it yesterday and threw in somebody,s expired vegan milk I found and had myself a party. I knew it was going to be bad but I just tried to muscle it down in honor of my younger self.

The Chap - Well Done Europe
Today I did the same thing but there were no more Silly Circles. Somebody had left half of a box of Frosted Mini Spooners and two unopened gallons of one percent milk. Milk is horrible. I rarely drink it so I don,t know what it is supposed to smell like. I always think it has gone bad. Even the one I just opened. The sell by date is like three weeks from now but I knew it was putrid. That always taints my experience. My distrust in milk all stems from me being a hypochondriac about things that hypochondriacs don,t care about. Milk.

The Spooners tasted like a sweet holocaust in my mouth where the Jews and gays were replaced by my flaccid taste buds and delicate sensibility. Complete annihilation. And I usually love cereal that is in that shape. The shredded wheat-sawdust at the bottom of the box, Oh My God. It,s the best. But this was just a pile of sugary ash. Burnt clowns piled in a bog of lemon-curd and ginger. I ate every bite of it.