In Front Of People

I just went to a place to get a piece of bread and some sauce for lunch but they didn,t have any. I felt like such a fool. I hate asking for things at places and not getting those things because the places are out of them. It,s somehow worse when I,m asking for something like bread. That,s prison food. Every place that exists should at least have some bread. They had no bread.

When I was in fake college I used to eat a loaf of bread everyday. I would go to a grocery store in the morning on the way to class and buy a loaf of French bread and jam it in my backpack and eat hunks of it as I walked in between classes. I would eat bread a drink water and go to class for eight hours a day with no breaks. I had headaches every single day and I could never figure out why. 

Pregnant Women - Sunbathe

Recently I discovered eggs. I knew that eggs were around, but I hadn,t tried cooking and eating an egg in a very long time. That all changed the other day when I was cooking my doctor-recommended daily pasta meal and found an egg. I guess I was feeling gutsy because I decided to eat it even though eggs aren,t good. Also, it was in a small carton with three other eggs that were shattered and the expiration date was the day before the day I decided to eat it and the shell wasn,t even nicely decorated or anything. All of these were very bad signs, but I decided to go ahead with the eggventure and egg up my pasta which I had read about doing in science fiction books before.

 I cooked the pasta like normal and after it was finished I smashed that dumb egg into a bowl and squished it around and threw it in there and hoped that the residual noodle heat would make the egg so it couldn,t kill me if I ate it. It was pretty good. I think that,s mostly because I couldn,t taste the egg. Thinking about it now, I can,t say for sure that the egg even made it into the pasta. There was such a small difference. Maybe it all just stuck to the bottom of the pan. Who cares? It wasn,t my dumb egg. You shouldn,t have read any of this if you,re vegan.

Song Titles

I,m surrounded by old women who smell like chemicals. They all think that they,re smarter than me, but they,re all at least a little bit dumber. All of them are wearing highlighter yellow shirts because they think that will soften the blow when a car hits them when they,re riding their tandem bikes. I don,t think that it will help. They all have iPads.

I heard two of them enthusiastically explain to an old man who was wearing almost nothing that they saw a big turkey earlier today. I guess that,s the sort of thing that sixty one year old white ladies are into. Seeing a big, dumb bird is the high point of their days. They,re going to die soon and they know it so their senses are heightened. Any movement or sound that is slightly out of the ordinary is amplified until everything seems like they,re watching it in a really loud movie theater and there are no ,,urban,, teenagers around to ruin the experience for them.
John Coltrane - First Meditations
One of them is kind of fat. She has really big legs. I like big legs, but hers seem like a hindrance and even though physical impediments are often very attractive, they just make her look dumb. She sort of walks like a cartoon that just got off of a horse after riding for the first time, but instead of her legs hurting from being in a weird position for song long, she walks like that because of her giant waffle cone legs require her to step widely and carefully. It,s mesmerizing to watch.

I have gone to work and not worked for the past three days. It,s been weird. I don,t know if I have a boss anymore. Maybe it,s always like this and I don,t pay attention. I wonder if I would notice if this place burned down.

Immaculate Shape

I went on a nice little walk the other day and saw a homeless lady with dyed pink hair. I thought she was puking when I first saw her because she was bent over in what looked like agonizing pain. As it turned out, she just sometimes bends over like that. She may have been trying to throw up but couldn,t. I bet some drugs do that to people. She was probably on those drugs. I bet a million dollars she had taken at least one of the drugs that makes you look like you,re throwing up but can,t earlier that day.

I don,t often see homeless people with dyed hair. That makes me wonder if she was really homeless or she just liked to hang out on bridges and act like she was puking. I bet rich women do that sometimes. If I were a millionaire lady and I didn,t have much to do, I would probably find hobbies like that. I bet some of piles of human garbage that you cross the street to avoid are actually beautiful millionaires. Most of them probably are.
How To Dress Well - Love Remains
I have heard very similar stories about different homeless people before and I think that there is at least one weirdo homeless person in every town that somehow has the same story attached to them. The story goes like this - That guy used to be a really successful college professor. He taught at the college here. He got in a car accident and it squished his brain and now he,s weird and that,s why he smells like pee and doesn,t have a house.

I wonder if the homeless people start those stories about themselves in an attempt to gain sympathy and money from people. When I eventually go nuts and live on the street I,m going to do that sort of thing. It,s way more effective than having a dumb piece of cardboard with a lie on it. I,ve seen guys with paragraph long lies written out and they just seem like they,re trying too hard. If you start a cool rumor about how you worked for NASA or you invented the breaststroke, then you probably have a lot better chance of getting free money and you could probably get a girl,s phone number.

My Friends

My face has been twitching for several days. At first it was a small twitch in my left eyelid. Then it moved to my nose. It has been stationed there for quite some time now. I don,t know why this happens, but I assume it has to do with my body shutting down because I didn,t buy any groceries with my last paycheck and have been going out to eat constantly. You shouldn,t eat things that are cooked by other people all the time. You,ll die.

I don,t know why I chose to do that for this past week. It is very unlike me. I like going out to eat but I don,t like spending money. I am an idiot. It hasn,t even been that enjoyable. I don,t think I would like going out to eat all the time even if I could afford it. It,s making my nose twitch. My farts have also been extremely foul lately but they are always that way so I am not attributing it to my change in diet. I just wanted to brag about the horrible poison that comes out of me.
Jesu - Conqueror
I went to the hospital the other day so they could tell me if removing my testicles really made me sterile or not. There were so many people there. It was gross. There was a middle age woman who had greased ropes for hair, no bra, and a shirt that said ,,I put the PRO in Procrastinate,, and I think that shirt was correct. I bet her hungry children appreciated that shirt when she refused to make them dinner because she was too drunk.

I should have asked the receptionist who took my disgusting cup of goo why my nose was twitching. She would have known. That,s her job. I felt bad for her. There was only a thin plastic cup and a paper bag separating her from my poison. It was good though, I found out that the world will never have to deal with a younger version of me again. You,re all welcome, idiots.