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They finally got a new chair at work. I,ve been sitting in the same one for at least three years. I guess everybody got tired of the stink. I ruined that thing. I have pushed so many terrible, dark, sour odors out of my butt and deep into the fibers of that old chair. I,m surprised it lasted so long. I gave it everything I had. I would release gasses so foul and potent into that jester,s throne that it would sometimes stink for days. Now it,s in the trash. That once proud monument to perseverance and tolerance is now rotting in a landfill like some common sanitary napkin. Rest in peace, baby girl.

This new chair brings new possibilities, new challenges, and a new canvas on which to paint my unique, powerful masterpieces. It will not be easy. I will be forced to approach this from new, creative angles. The old chair was a soft, cottony mess. Its fibers were loose and forgiving. This new chair, however, is cut from a different cloth. It is a synthetic, plastic, leather-like material. It will not be as easy to penetrate its walls and imbue it with the stench of my innards. It will be difficult, but I am up for the adventure.

Storm & Stress - Under Thunder And Fluorescent Lights My first step will be to change my diet to consist only of raisins, garbanzo beans, and milk that is teetering on the brink of spoiling. I will put these three ingredients together in a filthy saucepan and I will slow cook them for several hours. My home will be filled with the stink of victory. My bowels, overwhelmed by this perfect storm of rancid, inedible slop, will rebel with gasses so horrendous, so lasting, so magnificent, that this new chair will not stand a chance. There will be but one victor in this fight, and the victor will be me.