Returning To The Same Place

I,m pretty certain that my Death Cab For Cutie cover band will finally be finished with this dumb record this week. We gave ourselves two weeks to do it and it,s only taken four so far. Not bad. We have had a few days off, but not many. I can,t wait to have the label tell us that they don,t like it and they,re not going to put it out or pay for it. That,ll be a fun holiday surprise.

Speaking of holidays, I,m baking a pie right this very minute. Tomorrow is the big day. It,s the day where people eat the worst of all circular foods - pies. I don,t like or eat pies because I,m not a heathen, but I will be spending the day with those who do so I figured I,d do the right thing and make them a gross, brown circle to consume. Also, I think I might be good at making these brown circles and I like it when I can impress families. I don,t know for sure, though. I have never tasted one of my own creations. Like I said, I am not a heathen.

Arthur Russell - Another Thought Speaking of holidays again, it,s mandarin season. The most holy season of the year. I have eaten quite a normal amount of mandarins for this time of year. That means that I,m pretty close to finishing my first ten pound bag that I got a few days ago. This year,s haul is exceptional. I am very impressed. I hope to get at least seventy more pounds in and out of my body before the season ends. It,s a lofty, but completely realistic goal as long as I stay focused.

I have been eating nothing but mandarins and Indian food for the past few days. The mandarins are self explanatory, but the Indian slop is new for me. My dear friend recently procured a nice little book full of recipes involving way too many ingredients and words that I will never pronounce correctly. While sneakily looking through it when his back was turned, I found one that looked almost manageable for somebody of my limited ability and intelligence so I took a blurry picture of the recipe and tried to make it for myself. Miraculously, it came out looking and tasting edible so obviously, I tried it again the next and to my surprise, it worked out again. My turds hate me and I hate them.

Magazines

They finally got a new chair at work. I,ve been sitting in the same one for at least three years. I guess everybody got tired of the stink. I ruined that thing. I have pushed so many terrible, dark, sour odors out of my butt and deep into the fibers of that old chair. I,m surprised it lasted so long. I gave it everything I had. I would release gasses so foul and potent into that jester,s throne that it would sometimes stink for days. Now it,s in the trash. That once proud monument to perseverance and tolerance is now rotting in a landfill like some common sanitary napkin. Rest in peace, baby girl.

This new chair brings new possibilities, new challenges, and a new canvas on which to paint my unique, powerful masterpieces. It will not be easy. I will be forced to approach this from new, creative angles. The old chair was a soft, cottony mess. Its fibers were loose and forgiving. This new chair, however, is cut from a different cloth. It is a synthetic, plastic, leather-like material. It will not be as easy to penetrate its walls and imbue it with the stench of my innards. It will be difficult, but I am up for the adventure.

Storm & Stress - Under Thunder And Fluorescent Lights My first step will be to change my diet to consist only of raisins, garbanzo beans, and milk that is teetering on the brink of spoiling. I will put these three ingredients together in a filthy saucepan and I will slow cook them for several hours. My home will be filled with the stink of victory. My bowels, overwhelmed by this perfect storm of rancid, inedible slop, will rebel with gasses so horrendous, so lasting, so magnificent, that this new chair will not stand a chance. There will be but one victor in this fight, and the victor will be me.