It Happens Nightly

I went to the food stamp office yesterday. That wasn,t fun at all. I hadn,t been there in years. Luckily, this time was better than the last time I went there and didn,t get any free money, but it was still horrible. I guess I just don,t like being in any enclosed space where screaming children are the accepted norm. Nobody bothered to quiet their ugly kids because there was nobody setting a good example. The world needs more good examples.

I didn,t have to go to the food stamp office, I chose to. I have nobody to blame but myself. That,s what I get for being impatient and hungry. My stupid card still hadn,t come in the mail and I wasn,t about to buy food knowing that I could get it for free if I were to have that card, so I just went there and got it myself. I saw it as a form of atonement for all of the crazy free food I was about to get.

Being in that place is quite the experience. I never realized how many people have Oakland Raiders tattoos and how many of those people can,t stop shaking no matter how hard they may try. It was a giant, smelly, loud bummer. I also never realized how many poor people have iPhones. Maybe there is a social service program that provides homeless people with iPhones. I can totally get behind that. I love that idea.

Passion Pit - Manners After I got my card, I immediately drove to the store. I bought myself a bottle of water (something I almost never do because water should always be free) to make sure that my card worked. I felt such an intense surge of joy and refreshment as I drank my free, ice-cold beverage in the hot sun outside of the overcrowded supermarket.

As soon as I finished it, I went back in and filled a shopping cart to the absolute brim with the fanciest, most extraordinary items I could think of. I think I got five boxes of cereal. I got some fancy juice. I even got cookies so that I will have a sweet snack for any of my guests that happen to like that kind of trash. It was wonderful. I got so much stuff.

As I was laying my items on the filthy conveyor belt, I got sort of worried that I wouldn,t be able to pay for it all with food stamps. I had never bought food with such reckless abandon before. I was wrong. I paid for it easily and I even have a ton left over for the rest of the month. I,m glad I,m finally getting to spend some of the taxes that I have been paying for the past ten years of my life. I am going to drink juice until I throw up.