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I have to buy a car soon and I am not excited about it. More specifically, I have to buy a gigantic van. I have to spend my entire life savings on a dumb van that people are just going to sweat and puke in and that makes me feel dumb. I feel even more dumb because I don,t know anything about vans so I don,t know how to tell if they are good or if they are even vans. I am going to get swindled to death.

I am getting a van so some of my friends and I will be able to travel back and forth across this beautiful nation and throw money into garbage cans and treat our bodies like outhouses and punching bags. That,s the American dream. That,s what I have decided to try to do with my fleeting life. That,s what I,m doing with my college degree. I am wasting money and hurting myself in the process.

Miles Davis - Quintet/Sextet I can,t be believe how old I am. What I mean is that I can,t believe that I am as old as I am and I am still making such terrible decisions. I generally make one or two gigantic, terrible life decisions each year. It,s been about a year since my last one so I figure it,s time to do it again. If everything goes as poorly as I think it will, this may be my last awful, life-altering decision I make. It may kill me. It may reduce me to something so small and worthless that I can,t even make decisions anymore. That,s what heaven is like.