Liver Darling Liver

I work in this big mansion. It used to be somebody,s house and then it was a place for dead guys and then it was a restaurant and now it,s a place where people from other countries come to say wifey instead of wifi. You know, the internet. Also, a witch made a guy puke there once and another time a guy shot drugs in the bathroom next to a room full of sleeping girl scouts. I like that place.

A little while ago I found a Nintendo DS Lite there. It was pretty rad. It was hacked so you could play Tony Hock,s Skate 2 online and be mean to ten year olds. I already have a way better DS that is just a really small piano so I figured I would sell the found one and make a quick buck in order to pay for my mounting legal bills.

I found out about this new website called eggslist where you can list porn and used undies and Nintendo DS Lites to sell. So I posted a quick pic of the lovely found Tony Hock machine and soon emails were flooding in trying to low-ball my advertised price by like 30 boners. Real cute.

Growing - Vision Swim
The Epidemic - Now Museum-Now You Don,t
One person emailed me about traiding. Let,s call her animallover_babe2004 because that was her email address. I,m going to quote some of our correspondence now.

animallover_babe2004:
Are you open to any trades? Thanks

Being the curious little weasle that I am I wrote:
Possibly, what sort of trade would you like to make?

animallover_babe2004:
I have iPods, ps1, ps2, n64, dvd player, videonow portable dvd player, icush for gamer chair, sprint palm centro, a kodak easyshare camera...anything like that?

I wrote:
What,s up with those ipods?

animallover_babe2004:
I have 2 shuffles and a 3rd gen nano

At this point I knew there was no way I was going to trade Tony Hock,s tech deck mega ramp for any of her trash. So like anybody would, I typed her cute email address into Blackle.com to see if I could find out how fat she was. I was pleasantly surprised when I found that she was an avid user of Yehaw answers. I looked through all of her insightful answers and eventually saw the kinds of questions she was asking strangers on the internet.

My last response to her was a polite decline of her dumb ipods and a simple copy and paste of my favorite question she had asked the horny rape-o-philes that live on the internet. Here it is.

No thank you. I,m not interested in trading for that.

I just got my hood re-pierced on August 13th. It,s been 7 days and it is still really sore...I originally had my hood pierced in 2005, but got into a car accident shortly after and the jewelry was removed and the hole closed up. I had a much smaller gauge originally (curved barbell and now it is a large straight barbell). I was able to have sex and do all normal activities THE SAME DAY. NOT this time around...Up until 2 days ago it was too painful to even touch really (and swollen). The swelling is almost completely down, but if I touch it or flick it wrong (I tried using my vibrator today and that wasn,t such a great idea; 30 seconds made it hurt for over an hour after I was done)...it just hurts. It bled for about 3 days (I only recall a few hours of bleeding the first time around)...Is it only hurting more because of the bigger gauge? Will the pain go away soon, AND WHEN? I can,t not hit the piercing with my vibrator it,s so large. Should I go back in to get smaller jewelery put in (is that going to suck since I now have a larger hole)? Should I wait it out a little longer to see if it becomes less tender and if the pain subsides? Am I just impatient and is this normal with all larger gauges? The piercer recommended the piece and I know he has been doing piercings (and tattoos) for a very long while...It,s not infected, I am just frustrated and want it to feel ,,good,, but after a week, all I,m feeling is hurt! What do experienced women who have the same piercing recommend? Please list your advise please. I,m horny and this damn piercing is starting to tick me off, I can,t do anything now I got it done! THANKS

Long story long, we met up shortly after and she is still very swollen and red and infected and now pregnant.

Clean Sink

All of you Beasts of Burden know how bad I am at keeping jobs right? Right. Last summer I had a job for three days at this hotel where not so famous comedians hung out. It was way too boring and I,m a free spirit. The only good part was that one of the three days I got to work with a greaser, you know, the guys that look like the band Lit in that video for the only hit song they had. Did anybody else have that record? I did. They all had flaming dice tattoos and slicked back hair and cool belts and thick boots. That video they did with Pamela Anderson was rad though. She is the most important girl in history. The other good thing about that job is that we sold biker porn mags and I had to rip the covers off when we were throwing them away which meant I had to expose this picture of some girl getting a peepee wiggled into her fanny by a tough biker that was on the first page. I was working with some old lady that shift.

Frederic Chopin - Waltzes
I got this job a few weeks ago waving a lightsaber (I just had to look up if that was one word or not because I knew if I spelled it wrong the dorkier Beasts would kick my ass) around and getting yelled at by punkers. I worked weekend shifts from 7pm to 3am. It was wack. The guy I worked with always smelled like McDonalds and cigarettes and fat girlfriend and unplanned childbirth. He was a bummer. He would listen to this weird mp3 player and yell lyrics to Sublime songs and rave twist with his lightsabers.

So I quit after working four days. One day longer than my last job that I quit. The dudes were just too greasy and I,d rather be a pauper than an asshole, you know? On my last day my sweetheart came by and we set up a mini ramp and did skate tricks in front of my boss. He was slightly impressed with my Tony Hock 1080 Snowboarding flips. Then we had dinner and I got paid for it. I met a gay black guy at dinner. My sweetheart is jealous of how tall he is.

Love,

Fine Fine Fine, Very Good Very Good Very Good, Very Very Very Very Good