Stomach Ache

I went to a weird thing the other night. People kept saying it was a techno party. I don,t know what that means, and it does,t really seem like an appropriate term for the event, but whatever. I guess there was techno blaring, but it certainly was not a party. Parties are supposed to be fun and visible. This was bizarre and it was almost impossible to see.

It was at a Mexican restaurant that I had never been to before. All of the lights were off except for industrial strength lasers that were aimed directly at eye level. Also, the entire building was filled with a thick, noxious smoke. I don,t know if that is normal for that particular restaurant, maybe that,s part of their deal - you eat tamales while shrouded in mysterious gas, but it made seeing anything other than the dangerous lasers extremely difficult.

New Edition - New Edition Occasionally, I would see a bewildered, sweating form emerge from the churning sea of smoke and struggle for breath before quickly disappearing back into the abyss. It was terrifying. I have no idea how many people were in there with me. I have no idea how many of them died.

I didn,t stay at the techno party very long. It was all a bit too loud and disorienting for me. I groped around for a little while and found a broken piano that I tried to play to steady my nerves, but that proved to be ineffective. In the distance, I saw the faint outline of an open door and I rushed to it. Outside, the air was wet and clean. I am still coughing up worryingly colored phlegm.

Making Things Up

I used to think that I liked flying, but that was during a very long period of my life when I didn,t fly. I probably went ten years without being on a plane and for some reason I got it into my ugly brain that being on a plane was cool. I mean, I bet it,s pretty cool if you,re the only person on there. I still want to fly on a private jet and pretend that I,m not poor someday, but flying on a normal plane surrounded by hideous, yelling dopes is not enjoyable at all.

I was just on a plane the other day. Actually, I was on two planes. The first was sort of small and the man sitting directly in front of me had a head that was sweating like a cold glass of milk that was left out on a kitchen table in August. It was gross. Salty beads ran down the sides of his glistening, bald skull like a greasy waterfall. Luckily, the flight was absurdly short. I think I was in the air for less than thirty minutes. It may have only been five minutes. I don,t know. Time does weird things when you,re mesmerized by somebody else,s head sweat.

Oceaán - The Grip EP The next flight was better, but it was very full and took much longer and there were people all around me coughing and chewing and probably farting. Some farts are quiet and airplanes are loud so it,s pretty easy to sneak out a fart without anybody hearing it. Trust me. That,s what I spent most of my time doing.

The highlight of my day spent in the air was when I was getting on the second plane. I was waiting in line and I had just crossed the threshold into the iron beast when a flight attendant looked me up and down and handed me a banana. Shocked and bewildered, I took the curled fruit from his shiny palm and thanked him quietly. I didn,t know what to do. I didn,t know if this was some sort of aviator,s code for something lascivious. Lord knows I didn,t eat the thing. I have never eaten a banana and I wasn,t about to break my lifelong tradition just because I was a few miles about the screaming earth. I guess I,m just going to have to plant it and see what happens.

Sleeping In

My friend is staying at my house with me for a few days and now I,m scared to poop. That,s totally untrue. I,m still going to rip some gnarly ones, but I guess I,m kind of scared of him hearing. It,s not the act. It,s the sound created by the act. My place is so small and the bathroom is pointed right at the living room. There,s not way out of it unless I wait until he,s asleep and my weak, tender bowels will have nothing to do with that. They run on their own schedule. I am just the humble vessel which they control.

Speaking of bowels, I was going to meet up with my ex-roommate today and have a tasty, nutritious lunch, but when I called him to see what was up, he said that he was in a hospital bed because he started dumping blood out of his pooper and became so weak that he couldn,t stand. I talked to him a day and a half ago and he was totally fine so I don,t know what happened. I hope he feels better soon, though. Blood does not belong in the toilet. It belongs in your veins.

Calculator - This Will Come To Pass Tomorrow I have to go to Napa and play a weird, probably empty show with my Death Cab For Cutie cover band. I don,t know anything about it. I don,t know where it,s going to be or who we,re playing with or when exactly it is. That,s good. That way I get to hope that it,s in a winery. I want to play to a bunch of bewildered, rich, old, white people who pay eighty dollars for a bottle of wine. That,s all I,ve ever wanted. I would also like to get free crackers and cheese.

The Sun Is In My Face

The other night my Death Cab For Cutie cover band played a dumb show in a really dumb office building. I call it an office building because the ceiling was made out of those big, soft, porous tiles and there were fluorescent lights and one wall was made up entirely of stacked boxes of files. It was sort of a weed office because the fat slob working there wearing the Cookie Monster shirt was smoking weed inside as were several other people. The place was a bummer. There was a swastika drawn on a couch. It was sort of like the show The Office because that show sucks now.

The people there were quite an interesting mix. Luckily, most of them left when we played because we just blasted a wall of noise for twenty five minutes. There were several very young nerds with greasy hair, several horrendous peace punks with bug-filled dreadlocks and ripped pants, several bewildered parents of the young greasies, and many more. All of them bummed me out and embarrassed me with equal vigor. I applaud them for that. It made me never want to grow up and never want to get younger.

Zach Hill - Lil Scuzzy
The only good part about the night was that I didn,t have to carry anything heavy because I kept acting like my nards would explode if I did. That and one of my friends brought two cute girls with him that I got to glance at every so often. Also, I had a tasty dinner afterward but that doesn,t count because I was far away from the office building at that point. So I guess the highlight was me not carrying stuff. That,s a pretty bad highlight.

I tricked one of my famous friends into playing with us and he smelled like an acidic clam afterwards.