Sideways Computer

I wish I was still growing. Then I could compare my height at the beginning of every year and that would give me something to do on Wednesday. I don,t have any beginning of the year traditions. I don,t really have any traditions. I need more traditions. That will be my New Year,s resolution. That is completely untrue. New Year,s resolutions are for suckers who can,t get stuff done without a contractual agreement.

I just got back from a job interview. I went to a gigantic building and met with a few terrifically miserable people. The interview was supposed to take three hours, but I think I was there for about thirty-five minutes. There were three candidates - myself, a fat, pretty girl, and a tall nerd with a long tie. I was the coolest. The girl was the prettiest and fattest. The tall nerd was the least cool. He probably got the job.

The first part of the interview process was an online test. I started on that part first. I had to look at a screen and answer boring questions about codes. I wasn,t paying very much attention to the test because I decided a few days ago that I wasn,t going to take the job even if they offered it to me. I was much more interested in the beasts of burden that were surrounding me.

Jai Paul - Jai Paul There was a sweaty woman next to me who was on the phone with somebody and getting very annoyed. Her words were incredibly practiced. It,s like she wasn,t even speaking. Her mouth would open and a fax would come out. The person on the other end of the line was obviously being a jerk. If I were to work there, I would have her job. It was her first call of the day and she was dealing with a jerk. I already hated everything.

Then, a few minutes later, the lady to my left started complaining about her desk and how she wanted to move ,,like now.,, She was probably forty years old and she was so upset about a seat. I would have to work with her and seventy other ladies just like her if I got that job. I would not have been able to stand being surrounded by that many miserable people all the time.

At least at my job I get to sit alone almost all the time. I don,t make very much money, but I don,t work with people who complain about nothing all day because I work alone. I only have to deal with a terrible customer every so often. I don,t have to deal with terrible coworkers. I guess that,s what I learned today. I am never going to get a grownup job.

Sleeping In

My friend is staying at my house with me for a few days and now I,m scared to poop. That,s totally untrue. I,m still going to rip some gnarly ones, but I guess I,m kind of scared of him hearing. It,s not the act. It,s the sound created by the act. My place is so small and the bathroom is pointed right at the living room. There,s not way out of it unless I wait until he,s asleep and my weak, tender bowels will have nothing to do with that. They run on their own schedule. I am just the humble vessel which they control.

Speaking of bowels, I was going to meet up with my ex-roommate today and have a tasty, nutritious lunch, but when I called him to see what was up, he said that he was in a hospital bed because he started dumping blood out of his pooper and became so weak that he couldn,t stand. I talked to him a day and a half ago and he was totally fine so I don,t know what happened. I hope he feels better soon, though. Blood does not belong in the toilet. It belongs in your veins.

Calculator - This Will Come To Pass Tomorrow I have to go to Napa and play a weird, probably empty show with my Death Cab For Cutie cover band. I don,t know anything about it. I don,t know where it,s going to be or who we,re playing with or when exactly it is. That,s good. That way I get to hope that it,s in a winery. I want to play to a bunch of bewildered, rich, old, white people who pay eighty dollars for a bottle of wine. That,s all I,ve ever wanted. I would also like to get free crackers and cheese.