Fixer

I,m having a sleepover party at my friend,s house because my landlord called me yesterday morning and told me that they were wrong about not having to work on the pipes in my apartment and that I had to get out of there right away and stay out of there for three days so a bunch of weird strangers can walk around in there and look at my stuff and give me a new toilet. It was pretty wild. I was specifically told that my apartment was the only apartment that didn,t need any serious work done. Then, with no notice or preparation, I had to take everything out of my bathroom and leave.

They wanted me to stay in a hotel of their choosing, but after reading a few reviews on the place that contained such red flags as ,,vomit,, ,,cockroaches,, ,,blood,, ,,putrid,, ,,aggressive homeless people,, and ,,incurable disease,, I decided it would be best to burden one of my sweet, hospitable friends and beg them to let me stay with them for a few days. Luckily, they obliged. 

Secret Mommy - Plays

I gathered my remaining clean underwear and tried to hide all of my most stealable stuff in my room and left. I,m most worried about my plants. Nobody is going to water my tender, young basil for a few days. I barely got any sleep last night because I was so worried about my sweet sprouts. I really hope they make it. I also really hope that the plumbers clean up after themselves. I trust that they will have to flush a test turd to see how the new tubes work. I took all of the toilet paper out of there so I don,t know what they,re going to do about that. I wish them luck. 

My friend,s house is crazy. It has central air and they blast it all the time. It,s amazing. I was almost cold last night with that thing blowing. It is a luxury that I will not soon forget. In an attempt to show my appreciation for their overwhelming kindness and hospitality and air conditioning, I took out some garbage and washed a dish or two and cleaned the stove. I feel like that was a good start, but there is still more to do. The next step in my thank you mission is to start slipping expensive vitamins into their food to make them stronger and healthier than ever before. After that, I will take a short trip into the future and bring back a list of winning lottery numbers. It is the least I can do. 

Pick Up

I can,t park in front of my apartment for the next ten days because there is a crew of rowdy gentleman who are tearing up the sidewalk with huge, terrifying machines. They seem nice. I overheard one of them say to another one, ,,You look stronger each new time I see you.,, I thought that was nice. They are very noisy, though. Well, they,re not that noisy, but their work is. They grind and blast and dig the earth. The earth is really tough right there. It,s made out of concrete.

It,s so loud that I have to keep my front door shut or I have to scream if I want to speak to anybody. I don,t like screaming that much. Speaking of screaming, my loud neighbors upstairs are getting in trouble, I think. I told on them for being insanely loud all the time and the person I tattled to said that they might be getting in real trouble. I guess that,s fine. They will be quiet, but they will be replaced by the sounds of short men piercing the earth,s crust with giant mechanized hammers. You win some, you lose some.

Downstaaiirs - Weeping / Creeping I,m at work right now and I shouldn,t be, but a bunch of weird things happened and now I,m here. At first I thought it was a good idea, but I don,t anymore because somebody keeps breathing really loudly and rhythmically and I tried to open a drawer and it was stuck and one of my fingernails got caught on it and almost ripped off. That is a huge exaggeration.

There is a guy here from Wales and he speaks English. English is definitely his first language, but his accent is so thick and insane that I can barely understand him. I am way too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself because he is speaking English and I,m supposed to be able to understand that. That is the the only language I know. This means that I just have to focus extremely hard on what he is saying and try to slow it down in my brain and give my best guess and respond with very vague answers. It has worked so far so I think I am going to adopt this method for interacting with everybody.