You Are Wrong

It,s autumn. You know what that means. It means that my hands are so dry and I sniff constantly. It also means that I get to finally dress like a human being again. No more sloppy t-shirts. No more bare skin. I,m wearing a sweater right now even though it,s way too hot for it. I,m wearing it on principle. I was driving earlier and had to turn on the air conditioner because I am a stubborn idiot. I look nice, though.

To celebrate this new season, the person in the apartment next to mine invited their weirdo relative who has a Monster Energy Drink tattoo to stay with them for a few days. They made sure to tell them to bring their ugly, screaming child with them as well. I don,t know if that giant baby has a energy drink logo tattooed on its body, but if I had to guess, I would certainly say that it did.

Raw Nerve - Every Problem Solved I don,t understand that baby. I walked passed the open door of their apartment a little while ago and I saw it. It was wearing a diaper and a collared shirt. It was gigantic. It could have been three or four years old. It was drinking from a bottle filled with what I can only assume was Monster Energy Drink and it was staring blankly at a television screen.

I hear it constantly when it is over there. It runs and screams, but it doesn,t ever scream words. It only knows sounds. I have never heard it make any sound that came close to resembling a word in any language. That,s the part that doesn,t make sense to me. It is large enough to know words, but it refuses. It just emits long, pulsating noise cubes that pierce the walls and terrify me. Now that I,m thinking about it, I,m not even sure that it,s a child. I suppose a shaved raccoon would possess all of the same qualities that I just described. The neighbors are harboring a shaved wild animal in their home.

Switching Everything

I sent a fax for the first and probably last time in my life today. That was weird. It is weird using a new form of communication for the first time. I don,t really mean that it,s new, but it was new to me. It,s something that people in television shows from twenty-five years ago did. I am just guessing that. I don,t think I have seen a television show from twenty-five years ago. That might not be true. The Simpsons is really old.

The best part about sending a fax for the first time ever is that I called the place that I sent it to about thirty minutes after and they said the only thing they had received was all smudged and illegible. I,m glad that I ruined my only attempt at that. I emailed it to them afterward. They were nice and understanding about how stupid I am. I don,t know how text turned into smudges during the transmission, but I,m glad that it did because that is crazy. That also means that one hundred percent of the things that I have faxed have become blobs. I like that ratio - one for one.

Slow Head - Concealer I was faxing stuff to the people that rent out the apartment that I checked out last week. I had already given them all of the necessary documentation to prove that I am a human being and they never called me back so I called them and bugged them and they told me that I had been denied because I don,t make enough money. I laughed and laughed. The joke was on them. I do make enough money. I told them that and then the lady I was talking to told me that if I send them numbers from my bank, I can have the place. Who knows if that,s true? I don,t. I don,t know, but I tried it anyway.

The lady was nice. She had a funny name. I appreciated that because I have a kind of funny name. I wonder if she thought that about me. I hope I get to meet her. If I get the place, I am going to send her a basket of apples because they are gross, but that seems like something a lady who works at a place with phones would like.