Waiting To Do Something

I have eaten nothing but beans for the past two weeks. I was hoping that my body would have been able to adjust by now, but it certainly has not. I spend all day at work holding in farts and after I get home, I spend the rest of the day slinging gnarly turds into the bowl like my colon was one of those water balloon launchers. It,s extremely violent and there is a lot of splash back.

I don,t know why I thought that my body would be able to handle a change like this. I have spent my entire adult life eating nothing but bread and potatoes and out of nowhere I threw a ton of beans into the mix. What was I expecting to happen? My innards are in the middle of a riot and I am the dictator that they are trying to overthrow. I don,t blame them at all.

Rich Gang - Tha Tour Part 1 I,m stupid and don,t learn so I tried to make another severe change involving my body yesterday. I have used the same deodorant for fifty years because pretty people regularly tell me that I smell good. I think some of it comes from being so pretty that other people,s brains aren,t able to process it all visually so their brain moves some of that information to the sniff center of their think machine so it seems like I smell better than I actually do because I,m so good looking. Still, I have been weary of changing anything about the way I smell.

Like the dope that I am, I bought a cube made out of salt and started rubbing it on my armpits. So far, the results aren,t great. I haven,t broken out in any terrifying rashes just yet, but I don,t think I smell as good as I did a few days ago. My body is so mad at me. I am being so mean to it. I would,t be surprised if it killed me soon.

Sweating With No Underwear On

My job is so cool. Today was wild. It was very normal for most of the morning until everything started smelling terrible all of the sudden. All was quiet for a bit and nobody was saying anything to each other and an overwhelming wave of sour, penetrating stink rolled it. We sat in its murky depths for maybe thirty seconds until one of the dudes I work with quietly asked, ,,Did one of you guys fart?,,

It was great because we were all thinking it. We all wanted to know who to congratulate for their otherworldly aroma. We wanted to find the culprit and give them the accolades that they deserved. Strangely though, the source of the stench was not any of our innards. What,s strange about that is that our office is pretty separate from everybody else. How could such a foul turd gust have made its way into our little home?

Somebody suggested that maybe it was the trash. I thought that somebody had snuck a baby into work and that it exploded with diarrhea. It was about that time that other people in the building started walking by us covering their faces. It was infecting everybody. We were all dead in a matter of minutes.

Holly Herndon - Chrous I still don,t know exactly what caused such a seismic shift in odor, but everybody in the building got hit with it. It lingered for about twenty minutes and then it was gone. All of the windows were opened and scented candles were distributed to those in need.

The most agreed upon rumor was that it just a standard dump that somebody had taken in one of the bathrooms. It was flushed and everything, but its long-lasting memory crawled out from the porcelain grave and grabbed everybody by the throats. I hope that,s what happened. I hope a single person, a tiny woman perhaps, emptied her bowels and expelled something so potently horrible that it upset an entire company. And people say that there are no real superheroes.

Still Thinking

I can,t believe how full I am. I am out of food right now and I,m out of food  stamps until tonight at midnight, but last night I took my last remaining morsels and baked a big pile of macaroni and cheese. It was good, but I didn,t have regular milk so I had to use soy milk which made it kind of sweet. That was weird, but I evened it out by putting a ton of that salt from Red Robin on there. I ate the leftovers for lunch today and I still feel like my innards are going to rupture.

I,m leaving for a little trip tomorrow. My Death Cab For Cutie cover band and I are going to drive around in the overwhelming heat and spend a bunch of money and play annoying music in empty rooms for a few days. We,re just trying to atone for our sins, you know? This will be a good punishment for our wrongdoings and then we,ll get to be horrible people for a few more months before doing it again to wipe our slates clean.

Hank Wood & The Hammerheads - Stay Home I have gotten into a really great napping schedule lately and I think this trip is going to totally throw it off. That will be my biggest punishment. I have worked so hard to get my napping into a comfortable groove. It takes a lot of effort to ruin your body,s natural sleeping patterns and mold your own. Now all of that will be lost. If that,s not the purest form of self-flagellation, I don,t know what is.

Continuous Reminders

I got so sick the other day. I took a bunch of days off of work to go have fun with my friends and I immediately got very sick. I should have seen it coming. The intense mixture of eating only trash, barely sleeping, expending way too much energy, and breathing only farts for several days straight could hardly have brought about a positive outcome.

I think the thing that really turned me into a sick, whiny baby was spending an evening inside of a rotting, dirty punk filled house. Those are some of my least favorite places to be. The walls were wet. The people all exhaled sticky mouthfuls of smoke in my pretty face. Everybody only yelled. They only yelled about things that didn,t matter. There were wet animals everywhere. It was a very bad situation. Not only did it wreak havoc on my innards, it also made me wildly uncomfortable in my brain.

Harold Budd - Avalon Sutra The crown jewel of the evening is when a toilet overflowed and began dumping filthy slime water through the floor into the basement. This generally wouldn,t concern me since it wasn,t my house and I don,t spend much time in basements, but this particular evening, I was supposed to spend a significant amount of time in that wet tomb. I did my best to stay out of the drip zone, but of course, with a complete lack of light and inconsiderate patrons, I received a healthy, lemon-sized drop of diarrhea juice right on my head and neck and ear.

I guess I,m lucky that I,m not in the hospital or morgue yet, but I am still a giant wimp so this simple cold has made me feel and act like I am about to die. What I really learned from this experience is that I am simultaneously too old and too young to deal with gross punkers.