No Money

My Death Cab For Cutie cover band and I woke up really early the other day so we could drive to San Francisco and play some of out adult alternative songs on a college radio station that isn,t even a real radio station. There is no ,,station.,, They play music that is streamed twenty-four hours a day on a website that nobody visits. Most of the time, it,s just a computer playing songs at random.

Knowing that nobody would be listening, we thought that this would be the opportunity of a lifetime. We could play as poorly as we normally do and say whatever insane stuff we wanted and it wouldn,t matter because we couldn,t get in trouble because nobody could hear us other than the two nerds that were ,,hosting,, the two hour radio show.

Peter Brötzmann - Nipples We got there early and set up our trash and when it was time, we played our dumb songs to an icy, barren, digital emptiness. Then the fun part happened. They let us talk on the radio. I spent the rest of the ninety minutes screaming and vaguely insulting one of the hosts. That was pretty fun. I was being extremely obnoxious and nuts.

After that, we loaded our trash back into the trusty old vehicle and drove home and broke down over and over again in the middle of heavy traffic in a densely populated metropolitan area. That was extremely exhausting and instead of getting home in two hours like we thought we would, it took us seven. At one point, the car broke down so hard that we had to eat papusas. That was great. That was probably the highlight of the day. Well, that and when we finally got towed to a mechanic and all of our phones were out of batteries so I decided that we should go to the Apple store in the mall to charge them. That was the other highlight.

I Promised

I used to work at a liquor store with my friends. It was great. I could eat all the candy I wanted and smash beer bottles in the back to release my teenage rage. We got away with everything there because the cameras didn,t work and there were no records of sales or accounts or anything. There will never be a job that great again.

It was very cool working with all of my friends too. Everyday was an eight hour dance party. We made up a code to tell each other if we thought a girl was pretty while they were in the store without them noticing. We wanted to be jerks to their faces without them realizing how insulting we were. It worked really well. There were two main categories - Shake and Slice.

Cex - Bataille Royale
Shake was short for Shake a hat. Somebody thought that in the olden days you would shake your hat at a lady you were interested in. I don't think that ever happened. If somebody was a shake then not only would you be willing to have sex with her, but you would not be embarrassed if anybody knew about it. You might even be proud of it. There were variations on the Shake too. You could shake a top hat which meant that you thought she could be dating material and had some class to her. You could also shake a a box of hats which meant you were really, really into her.

Slice wasn,t short for anything, it was just a word we picked. A slice was somebody that you guessed was sort of okay and you might have sex with them on a Tuesday night if you had nothing better to do and nobody ever found out. Those were usually sort of shameful to admit. That was the fun of the Slice though. When some girl would come in with no pockets on the back of her ripped, faded, flair jeans, pulling her 2 year old son by the hand, buying 4 cans of Sparks energy alcohol for her work day and couldn,t figure out how to give exact change, it was always nice to ask the person you were working with if they were a slice and hope that you weren,t the only one with such debased standards and ethics.

It was always kind of a bummer when somebody was a slice in your head and nobody else agreed. Then you knew you were the worst of them all. You were the only one that would ever even think about looking at that middle aged bleach-blond woman with two cigarettes in her mouth and a crescent of white, veiny meat hanging out above her belt. You were a disgusting human being and now everybody knew it.