Silence

Today is the last day of this year. That doesn,t mean much, but it does mean a few things. It means that I will be writing the date incorrectly for the next two months and it means that mandarin season is almost over. I guess I hate the start of each new year for the second reason. I wish mandarin season was longer. Two months is a pretty dumb amount of time for the world,s most perfect food to be ripe for the plucking. Six months is much more reasonable.

Now don,t get me wrong, I enjoy a good can of mandarins as much as the next guy, but they don,t compare. They are a completely different thing. They are also absurdly expensive. You don,t get to peel them and I usually only treat myself to one of those tiny cans with the racist portrayal of a Japanese woman on the label about three times a year. They are a dessert item, not a substitute-for-every-meal-and-beverage item like actual mandarins are.

Pete Drake - The Amazing And Incredible Pete Drake Maybe it,s a good thing that they are not readily available all year long. I would probably get pretty sick. My fingernails would fall out. My teeth would turn even yellower than they already are. I would go blind in one eye. My tongue would be covered in citric acid burns. My urine would become worryingly buoyant. My blood would move too quickly. My bones would develop strange curves. My kidneys would burst. Things would get ugly.

My New Year,s resolution is to never write anything again for the rest of my life because this is stupid and I can,t believe I have continued to write for so long. I am an idiot and you are too if you,re reading this. I apologize for making you dumber. Now I am sad.

I have been feeling like I haven,t been wiping very well after I poop lately. I,m usually mistaken. I,m a pretty good wiper, but I have been overly worried about it recently. None of this is related to what I was saying a minute ago, but I felt that it was important.

The First Day Of Wintear

My Death Cab For Cutie cover band played another weird show the other night. We got paid. That was the weirdest part. I,m still sort of half-expecting the manager of the place to call me and tell me to give his money back. Lord knows that we didn,t earn it. I don,t know if I have ever really earned money. I,m white, so probably not.

The first band that played were a bunch of older funny guys and girls with hats and sunglasses inside at night. They sounded like a group of fourteen year olds who had asked for an instrument for Christmas and got a used on and immediately started playing shows with the other five fourteen year olds because they also had instruments. They never wrote songs or practiced, they just showed up and ,,jammed,, their hearts out. ,,That,s what music is about,,, they,d say as they played four different, nonexistent songs at the same time.

Toro Y Moi - Anything In Return They looked like the mothers and fathers of those fourteen year olds. They were so proud of their children,s aspirations. They lived vicariously through them. They tried to make up for their own personal failures with the failures of their children. They ended up losing even more. The parents turned to alcohol and ignoring their spouses, but it was the fourteen year olds who really suffered. They had to grow into their parents, shoes. I guess that,s what the band was. I didn,t like them very much.

Good Cut

Every year I rediscover how bad I am at wrapping things in colored paper. I guess I am really bad. I don,t understand how people can wrap a cube and have it still look like a cube. All of my cubes look like partially deflated sports balls. I should have bought a bunch of partially deflated sports balls for people.

My Death Cab For Cutie cover band played a show in a freezing cold bicycle garage the other night. The floor was so wet. Most of the people there were wearing all black. I don,t think I looked serious enough to be allowed to be there. I almost backed my car into a bike that was chained to a pole. I saw Justin Bieber stockings at a gas station that were on sale for thirteen dollars.

Jay Reatard - Blood Visions I think I wiggled a bit too much that night. My entire body doesn,t work anymore. I don,t know what,s happening. My thighs hurt somehow. I don,t know if that is related to wiggling, though. I think that might be from crossing my legs super hard when I,m at work. I,m crossing them right now. I uncrossed them. I bet this is what riding a horse feels like.

I wonder if anybody has ever gone to the hospital because they wiggled too much or too vigorously. Maybe I,ll be the first. I,m not really going to go to the hospital. I made soup. That,s nature,s hospital. I think cans of soup should say that on the label. It would probably help the diminishing soup industry. Soup used to be the only food.

And Other Stuff

It,s time to buy presents for people. It was time to buy presents for people a little while ago, but I generally wait until after it makes sense to buy stuff and then I do it. It,s time to buy those presents now that they are probably more expensive than they were a few weeks ago.

I like giving people gifts for Christmas, but I don,t like the work that comes with it. I don,t want to have to think about something good to get you. I want you to tell me what it is and then for me to say, ,,No, that,s too expensive. Try again.,, Then you will say, ,,Fine, get me this book instead.,, That,s all I want and most people won,t do that. They should. They end up getting stupid gifts from me if they don,t tell me. I will buy them things that I want or like irregardless of their personal tastes just to spite them for being unhelpful. That,s what the holidays are all about.

Sean McCann - Sean McCann The only good part about buying things for people for Christmas is that I get to leave feedback for the people that sold me the things on Ebay. That has been one of my favorite activities for a long time because as long as you click the button that says ,,Positive,, you can write whatever comments you want and nobody cares. This is where I write my poetry.

Here are some examples.

If Donald Duck was real, I would drown him and go to prison. I don,t care.
He had a small dog with him in the lonely shop.
The baby is born.
fero nthekke tni htjesssorr rlerotnnfew theidjtjd tjj itdelllrs vmoothatjls it
I,m feelin, weird.