The Sound Of Bubbles Popping

I did it. I finally got sick. I finally fell into the terrible pit of weakness, fatigue, annoyance, and noses. It,s not a good place to be, but I am thankful that it,s just a standard issue cold rather than the standard issue flu. My friend had the flu recently and I have been terrified of getting it. I am so frail and emaciated already that it would likely kill me. I,m not dead, though. I,m just an uncomfortable baby, rolling around in my own sweat, snot, and other fluids.

I always hate being sick more than anything in the world, but right now is especially bad. It,s not because I,m terribly sick or anything. I,m a normal amount of sick. My brain is yelling, my nose is squirting, my ears feel weird, my teeth are covered in spots, my butt hurts, and I only have enough energy to complain constantly. That,s all normal. The thing that makes it so bad is the timing.

The Shaggs - Philosophy Of The World I have to go on a huge, dumb trip soon and before that, I have to do a bunch of huge, dumb things. Doing those huge and dumb things while I am a disgusting slop infant is annoying and I hate being annoyed. That,s why I tell on my neighbors when they slam their cabinets too loudly or have children.

Why aren,t colds set up where you only get one per year? I would be so fine with this cold if I knew I could,t get another one for at least twelve months. That would be a dream. That,s what scientists should be working on. I,m sure we need colds to exist for some weird reason, but science should at least be considerate enough to make sure they only last exactly three days and only happen once per year. It,s downright rude that science is too lazy to make sure that I don,t get sick right after being sick right now.

Early Morning

Oh, my dear, sweet food stamps. How I loved you. How I cherished you. How I used you to buy food and sometimes juice with you. I will miss you so much. I will miss the way you let me eat when I was hungry. I will miss the way your let me buy crazy amounts of cereal without worrying about anything. I will miss the way that I could use you to buy sandwiches for lunch at that deli next to my house where they have all of those weird paintings on one wall that are supposed to represent the flavors of the sandwiches but they don,t really make sense because a few of the paintings are of buildings. I will never forget you.

As you can tell (I,m talking to myself because nobody looks at this except for me) I am bidding a fond farewell to my beloved food stamps. I have less than thirty dollars on my good old EBT card and that will be gone in under six days. Usually, there is an upside that comes with every downside, but not this time. There is nothing good about not getting free money for food anymore. It is an irrevocable travesty.

Dorian Concept - Joined Ends I learned a new word yesterday that sounds like a word a drunk person would say. It doesn,t seem real and even though it would be a pretty good word to use, I don,t think I will ever incorporate it into my vocabulary because it sounds so stupid that people would think that I,m even dumber than they already do for using it. It,s ,,perfidy.,, That is such an ugly looking and sounding word. I can,t believe some clown got away with putting that in the dictionary.

I wonder if it was done on a dare. One of those dictionary nerds dared another one to put in an obviously fake, ridiculous word and see if anybody noticed. Well, it,s been hundreds of years probably, but I,ve finally noticed and I am both angry and happy that such a great, dumb word exists. It,s the small victories, you know? Discovering this word is just what I needed to bring myself back from the edge of the terrifying chasm that is depression and constant crying because I don,t get free money anymore.

Soft Damage

I have spent way too much time at the DMV lately. I,ve been there twice in the past week and let me just say, it is exactly as terrible and gross as television shows make it seem. It,s the one thing that fiction doesn,t exaggerate. It,s awful and everybody knows it and TV shows pay homage to its unending depravity. It is always the temperature of gross soup and everything is sticky like somebody spilled gross soup on it and everybody there smells like gross soup. Also, it,s really crowded.

Luckily, I don,t think I,ll have to go back there for a long time. I paid my dues. I was worried that when I was there, they would notice that I have had the same picture on my driver,s license since I was fifteen and they would make me take a new picture. I want to keep that picture on there until I,m dead. I look so tan. They didn,t notice the picture, though. If they did notice, they definitely didn,t care. Maybe I still look exactly how I did when I was fifteen and they thought it was a recent picture. The world will never know.

Drake - If You,re Reading This It,s Too Late My hands and forearms are all cut up because I spent all day yesterday clumsily ripping out the old, dumb stereo in my new, gigantic van. It would have probably been pretty easy if I had known what I was doing, but that,s just not how things went down. I haphazardly jammed my appendages into dark holes and yanked and shoved things as hard as I could until the old stereo was out and the new one was in. It was a job that should have taken twenty minutes, but it took my weak, unskilled hands several hours.

I do feel a very slight, annoying sense of satisfaction at having done all of that by myself, though. The van still starts so I didn,t do that bad of a job. Sure, I cut every corner possible and I used parts in ways which they were not designed, but that,s not the point. The point is that it looks like some wild beast of burden tried to eat my arms and I can now listen to music that isn,t the radio while driving recklessly across this great nation.

Be Careful With Your Nose

Last night I went to a very adult birthday celebration. It was at a bar that sold fancy pig meats and expensive liquids. The water was extremely free so I had a glass of that. I wish they would have had milk and microwaves so I could have made myself a warm milk. That would have been a cutting edge beverage to drink in a large, noisy room filled with people who looked like they worked at Urban Outfitters.

It was so crowded there. Everybody was white except for the people who were working. Everybody was my age. People kept touching me. It was not really my type of environment. It would have probably been pretty alright if there were only eight or nine people there, but there were definitely over a hundred. One of those hundred people told me that I was adorable and that he would make out with me. I,m not saying that to brag or anything even though I totally am, but I,m saying it because it is the second time in my long, weird life that somebody has hit on me. It was a momentous occasion.

The Hics - Tangle That happened as soon as I got there so the evening peaked very early on. Luckily, I didn,t plan on staying there too long so I rode that wave of smug euphoria for thirty more minutes before leaving without bidding anybody farewell.

As I got up to leave, somebody in the party asked me if I was going to go dancing. I told them that I was not. They asked me why and I said I didn,t want to because I was sick. Then I remembered that lying is dumb and I am no sicker than I normally am so I corrected myself by saying, ,,I,m not really sick. I just don,t like fun.,, Then I left and went home and thought about the logistics of trying to smoke a piece of poop through a bong that had pee in it instead of water. That would be the ultimate high.