Too Full

I went to a big, gross music festival the other day. It was big and gross. There were four inches of finely powdered dirt all over the ground which was immediately kicked up into a swirling hurricane of allergies and brown snot. It was not a great place to be. The only reason I was there was because my work offered me free passes and I instinctively said I wanted them because I like free things that are worth a lot of money even if I don,t like the actual things.

The worst part, other than the subpar performances and having my lungs filled with filthy dirt was that one hundred percent of the festival goers were the exact type of people who made fun of me in high school. I was surrounded by brightly colored tank tops, backwards hats, bulging muscles, really bad facial hair, and an overwhelming stink that was a perfect mixture of caramel corn and old weed. It was like if a high schooler hot boxed one of those carts in the mall that sells flavored corns. It was awful.

Sam Amidon - Lily-O Both of the bands I watched the first night were not very good live. One of them was whatever and the other was bad. The bad one sounded fine, but the people in it were so ugly. One of them looked like a young Matt Dillon and the other looked like greasy Matt Jones. I didn,t know who Matt Jones was until I watched them play and was immediately reminded of some weird looking actor I had seen before. That,s Matt Jones, claim to fame - I thought of him when I saw a weird looking guy.

I went back for a little while the next day and it was so hot that I looked like I had peed my butt within ten minutes of getting there. My entire shirt was soaked with my disgusting body juices and my butt looked like I had sat in a deep, terrible puddle. That was the highlight. 

He Watches Me In The Morning

I hate animals. I hate them so much. But I hate it when people talk about them even more. Especially when they talk about how they deserve ,,rights,, and that they exist with a purpose other than to be a utility for people. They don,t. They are terrible. They are the worst things ever. All horses ever do is kick people in the head until they are in wheelchairs and then once they are in the wheelchair the horse would probably find the guy and bite his face so he has to get surgery.

The worst part about animals is hearing speeches during terrible punk shows about how the XhardcoreX community and the XpunkX community and VgothV (those are supposed to be fangs on the goth) community need to come together to preserve the rights of animals. They are always said by the same people that, when they were in high school biology class, wouldn,t cut open the fetal pig to look at the guts because the pig was too cute. When I was in that class, somebody took one of the pigs and pierced its ear. That was cute. A dead pig with a golden hoop.

Charles Dodge - Synthesized Voices
I guess the strangest part about all of my raw hatred toward animals and anything that isn,t me, is that I am too lazy to eat them for the most part. There is no way I want to take the time to (alliteration) learn how to cook something properly that, if not cooked thoroughly enough, will kill me or at least make me poop my pants more. Not worth it. People get weirded out when I tell them I am not going to make chicken cutlets for dinner or that I don,t want to eat steak because my dad made it every night when I was growing up because he is fat. They tell me I,m a vegetarian if I don,t eat chickens. I usually don,t care because one of the things I worry about the least in life is what others think about my diet.

I definitely try to eat weird meat though. I would eat the cutest puppy in the world in a heartbeat. You wouldn,t be able to keep me away from it if it were sitting in front of me, slow cooked in natural juices for eight to ten hours. I bet it,d be delicious. I would also eat sea lion or regular lion. I would also eat a person. I wake up every day wishing that it was legal to eat human steaks. I want to eat anorexic girls. Get it?