Too Full

I went to a big, gross music festival the other day. It was big and gross. There were four inches of finely powdered dirt all over the ground which was immediately kicked up into a swirling hurricane of allergies and brown snot. It was not a great place to be. The only reason I was there was because my work offered me free passes and I instinctively said I wanted them because I like free things that are worth a lot of money even if I don,t like the actual things.

The worst part, other than the subpar performances and having my lungs filled with filthy dirt was that one hundred percent of the festival goers were the exact type of people who made fun of me in high school. I was surrounded by brightly colored tank tops, backwards hats, bulging muscles, really bad facial hair, and an overwhelming stink that was a perfect mixture of caramel corn and old weed. It was like if a high schooler hot boxed one of those carts in the mall that sells flavored corns. It was awful.

Sam Amidon - Lily-O Both of the bands I watched the first night were not very good live. One of them was whatever and the other was bad. The bad one sounded fine, but the people in it were so ugly. One of them looked like a young Matt Dillon and the other looked like greasy Matt Jones. I didn,t know who Matt Jones was until I watched them play and was immediately reminded of some weird looking actor I had seen before. That,s Matt Jones, claim to fame - I thought of him when I saw a weird looking guy.

I went back for a little while the next day and it was so hot that I looked like I had peed my butt within ten minutes of getting there. My entire shirt was soaked with my disgusting body juices and my butt looked like I had sat in a deep, terrible puddle. That was the highlight. 

Never Doing It

My Death Cab For Cutie cover band played a show the other night in a house. We,ve done that plenty of times, but this time was special because not only did it have a cat living there, but it had three cats living there. Also, somebody was boiling a pot of water the entire time so it was nice and extremely humid and warm in there. The place was pretty clean, but it was completely disgusting because it was so hot and so allergenic.

I played really badly because my hands were so sweaty that my fingers were slipping around and hitting wrong buttons. That has never happened before. Also, some terrible goon that looked like he puts drugs in girls, drinks unplugged the microphone for a long time and then yelled at me about it. Whatever, dude. You,re the guy wearing the headband, not me. It was a strange night.

Aphex Twin - Syro I,m at work right now. I,m working a lot for the next two weeks. I,m covering for somebody, but it,s weird. I,m covering for her, but she works for a completely different company than the one I work for. That means that I got two hours of training to do this job and I,m sitting in a weird room surrounded by nerds. Being surrounded by nerds is kind of nice. I don,t feel as conspicuous as I normally do. These are my people, except they talk about computers and football. They,re all dorks, though. That,s nice.

The amount of work I have to do here is out of control. It is almost nothing. I have been here for five hours and I have had to answer the phone once. I,ve written a handful of sloppy emails and spent the rest of the time rubbing my eye because it,s been twitching nonstop for five days. It,s driving me nuts. I hope it,s not symptomatic of a larger issue. Maybe I have pinkeye that is so intense that it starts with long-lasting tremors.

A Huge Gap

My Death Cab For Cutie cover band is going to drive around and play a few shows this weekend. We almost never do that because we,re not a real band. We,re going to pretend that we are for a little while, though. We,re going to cram our tender bodies into a van with four other people and get dirty and annoyed with each other and then play music in empty rooms for no money all while spending a ton of our own on gas and food and transportation. It is such a stupid, expensive hobby.

To prepare for this trip, I cut my own hair at one in the morning the other night. It was scary and exhausting, but at least my head looks like a normal head now. I think I messed up the back, but I can,t be totally sure because I can,t see it that well even when I,m using two mirrors. Whatever. The deed is done and I no longer have disgusting, long, curly hairs tickling the inside of my ear like some sort of wild ivy vine.

White Suns - Totem My apartment building is being worked on. Specifically, the apartment right next to mine is being worked on. It sounds like they are cutting cement blocks with chainsaws over there all day. Luckily, my walls are extremely thin so I have an aural front row seat. I found out last night that the plumbers have to go into my apartment and do something under my sink today and tomorrow and they don,t know when or for how long. That means that I can,t masturbate while standing in front of my front door like I normally do. I guess we all have to make sacrifices sometimes, though.

This is my last day of work before having ten days off. Some of those days will be spent in the van in other states while other days will be spent at an optometrist,s office because I am sure that my eyesight is getting bad and that I need glasses. Everything far away is blurry and it,s terrifying. Also, a muscle in my face has been twitching all day and if they can,t fix that, then I,m not going to pay them.

In My Face

Each morning when I wake up, I don,t know what day it is. If I wake up late, I am terrified that I am missing work. If I wake up early, I am angry that I got up early even though I don,t have to work. My brain is falling apart and I don,t know what to do about it. I tried using a new pillow to see if that would make my brain more comfortable while I sleep and therefore less stupid, but it,s only been one night so I can,t tell. The pillow is huge though. It,s so full. I like how hard it is, but there is too much of it. I,m going to have to look up some pillow mods.

I think the main reason I never know what day it is anymore is because I keep having to go into work on my scheduled days off. Last week I got called in twice. That was insane. One of the calls was at six forty-five in the morning which is fifteen minutes before the shift starts. It was raining and I smelled like farts and gasoline because I didn,t have time to shower.

Gavin Bryars - Hommages I really need a haircut. Maybe that has something to do with my lack of understanding when it comes to time, but I doubt it. I just know that I look like a stupid twelve year old and my head is twice the size that it should be with all of my disgusting, frizzy hair all over it. I,ve been thinking about cutting it myself. I haven,t paid to have it cut in ten or fifteen years and I don,t really want to start now. It would be too difficult to explain to some guy holding scissors that I want him to cut everything short while still covering up my receding hairline. I don't think he would know what I meant if I asked him to make me look like a gay German cop. Only I know what that means.

I,m sure I would be able to cut the top and front and maybe even most of the sides, but the back would be really difficult. It,s not because I wouldn,t be able to see. I would. I have two mirrors and I,m pretty good and turning and twisting. The difficult part is understanding that I would be looking at a reflection of a reflection and trying to remember if left means left and right means right when it,s being reflected that many times. That,s the challenge. The other challegne is trying to remember what day it is.

Ice Shaver

I hurt my back the other day. I was lifting fabric. That,s how weak I am. I was lifting a few sheets of fabric in a basket and now my back won,t work and I am probably going to die from it. It,s actually not that bad anymore, but my mouth is making up for it. I was eating dinner a few nights ago and bit my lip. That sounds dumb, but that,s true. There is no cool way to describe a lip bite. I bit it hard and now one side of my mouth is swollen and tender and surely infected with horrible germs.

It makes my entire lips weird. I wake up and they,re all sticky and gross. They,re usually gross, but they,re hardly ever sticky. I don,t know what to do about it. I have been holding hydrogen peroxide in my mouth for minutes at a time, but now my tongue is starting to burn when I do that. That probably means that my tongue is ruined and I won,t be able to taste anything for much longer.

Charles Ives - Ives Plays Ives I,ve heard that people kill themselves when they can,t taste things. I,m not going to kill myself. I,m going to use my new ailment as a superpower. I am going to eat trash and peppers and win gross food contests. That will be how I make my money. I,ll probably get a show on The Food Network where contestants come up with disgusting, inedible things for me to pile in my face. Each episode will come end with a close up on my horrible, sweaty face. I,ll be crying and shoving used coffee filters into my bleeding mouth.

Consideration

I went to a bizarre adult party the other day for a little while. It was not good. I have never been to a party like that. I have been to different adult parties where I feel like I am the youngest person there because everybody is way older than I am, but this one was different. The normal adult parties have old people listening to blues and talking about insurance and drinking expensive clear alcohol. This adult party was full of  ugly people in their thirties who were all smoking weed and playing dominoes. It was kind of like a high school party but worse and sadder because these were grown ups with more experience than seventeen year olds.

Everybody was yelling and cussing and saying things that they thought were funny but were not funny. They were playing Snoop Dogg,s reggae album that I didn,t know anybody in the world owned. They were drinking cheap beers. They were uninteresting. The only real difference was that instead of only having chips and salsa available (they did have chips and salsa) they friend fatty ground beef and put it into greasy tortilla shells with room temperature shredded cheese blends and tomato chunks. That was the upgrade. That was the thing that set them apart from people who had not yet graduated high school.

Efterklang - Tripper Another thing that was very reminiscent of high school parties was a near-constant bombardment of questions like - Are you okay? Do you want some chips? You know that there are chips over there, right? Do you want something to drink? Do you want a soda? Do you want some ground beef?

I understand and appreciate the hospitable gesture, but one question is enough. I know where the food and drinks are. I,m not as stupid as I seem. Actually, I seemed and probably was very stupid because I went to an adult party where mothers were smoking weed and neglecting their children. I hated it and I am terrified to know now for certain that there are people whose brains never grow up even though their disgusting bodies are decaying.

Old Folks

I think I,ve decided to move out of my disgusting apartment into a different disgusting apartment. Well, ideally it won,t be disgusting at first, but I will work as hard as I can to change that. I will bring in my filth and horror and fill this new home with awful memories. First I have to find a place to fit my needs. Then I can move in there and start ruining it.

I,ve been looking the past couple days and I found a good place, but I don,t think it exists anymore. I think some other idiot swooped it up before me. I,m not sure. I called about it today and used a funny accent and they said that it was rented, but I called later using my standard accent and they said that it was on hold for a couple of days. I don,t know what that means. All I know is that my hopes are up really high and if I don,t get it, I,m going to freak out and smash all of my belongings so I,ll be able to live in my car for free without needing to worry about where to keep my stuff. I hope I get it.

Laid Back - ...Keep Smiling I looked at a different place today and it was gross, but not the kind of gross that I want to be a part of. It was a pee gross. It smelled like pee. I didn,t even bother looking at everything. I just smelled the pee and heard the screaming dog and met a neighbor who had two dead teeth and I knew that it wasn,t for me. One dead tooth is the maximum allowable amount of dead teeth. More than that is just rude. You don,t need to flaunt, lady.

Telling The Truth

Do you remember five seconds ago when I wrote about there being a bunch of fruit flies in my disgusting apartment? I do because it just happened. It,s happening again too. I hate bugs. They land on my expensive bread. I think it keeps happening because now that I don,t have a roommate to make a bunch of trash with me, the garbage can fills up a lot slower so those jerks have time to fly in and then call their friends and have them fly in too. Then they have a weird trash party in my trash without even asking my permission and they fly into my eyes and mouth, again without my permission.

There were so many fruit flies in my kitchen this morning. Luckily, I have the internet and they don,t so I was able to look up stuff that makes them die. Apparently if you fill small cups with gross liquids, they will touch it and die because they can,t swim because they are black. That is a pretty racist thing to say. No, it isn,t because I,m talking about bugs instead of people. Still though, I think it sounds kind of racist. Whatever, dude, you,re a wimp.

Tera Melos - Where,s The Worm? I don,t know if bugs can hear anything. I made a loud noise near some of them and they didn,t move so I don,t think they can. They also might just be lazy or stupid. It is also possible that they are deaf and lazy and stupid. That would explain a lot about bugs. Only something lazy and stupid and deaf would eat poop on purpose. I guess that,s not true. I,ve seen videos of girls that I am almost positive could hear and they had quite a bit of poop in their mouths. At least they were creative with it though. They were wiggling it around and some of them puked at one point. I think they were Brazilian. That,s the main difference between people and bugs - people have nationalities.