Cotton

That festival that my Death Cab For Cutie cover band played the other day was out of control. We played on such a huge, loud stage to so few people. Also, we did a pretty bad job. That was cool. At least nobody saw us. That,s not true. Six people watched us from the mud and several workers were required to be within earshot of us. I felt bad for them all.

Apparently, the festival wasn,t allowing anybody inside until we were almost finished playing. I understand where they were coming from. They wanted to protect the festival goers and spare them from our subpar performance. I think that,s commendable. They did the right thing.

Pole - Wald This meant we made noise for thirty minutes while looking at three of our friends who had somehow managed to sneak in and a large muddy field. They had sprayed some kind of semi-toxic liquid all over the ground right before we played. It was dark red and viscous. It may have been used motor oil. The fumes were severe and everybody in attendance complained of searing headaches and temporary blindness. I guess they did it to raise awareness or something.

After we played, I got to eat a bunch of weird hamburgers for free. I also got a haircut. There was a tent full of maniacs cutting people,s hair. I was sweating and encrusted with salt, but some nerd still managed to chop my hairs off. It was not a great experience. I think I,ll continue to mess up my own hair, thank you very much.

Preparation

I am surrounded by maniacs right now. There is a convention at my work for people who like to pay to drink special water. They all seem like they are incredibly lonely and this is one of the few times each year when they are around other people who are insane enough to talk to them for more than a few seconds. They,re loving it. They all smell like they only eat dirt and figs.

One of the guys has teeth that look like they are just one tooth. There are no separations between them. They have melded together to form a lumpy, grey band. It is horrible to look at. It seems like his teeth would crumble if he tried to brush them. They are made out of old, wet clay. I,m sure that it,s a side effect from only drinking the special water that they all hold so dear.

Lindsay Lowend - Wind Fish "It removes every toxin in your body, even your teeth." That,s the tagline on every bottle. Teeth are God,s greatest mistake. You don,t need them. Dissolve them with this expensive water. Clean your organs and get rid of the white waste monopolizing your mouth. The mouth should be a celebration of the lips and tongue. Teeth have been showboating for too long. Put them in their place - the trash. Pay for this water and drink it.