Calling A Lot

The other day I went on a trip to the beach to play a show with my Death Cab For Cutie cover band. I drove so much. We played in a very gross punker house. The room we played in looked like a crazy person,s bedroom. Their were soiled, broken mattresses lining the walls and the floor sloped dramatically to one side and felt like it was a wrestling ring because it was so bouncy. The mattresses were really gross and I am still in the process of trying to find out if I am up to date on all of my vaccinations after accidentally touching some of them. I feel like I have heartworm now.

Each room in the house had a very distinct odor. The kitchen smelled like drugs because there were so many people doing drugs in there. The living room smelled like a sweaty person doing drugs. The bathroom smelled like somebody grilling an old hot dog wrapped in tire rubber smeared with poop. The best room was the room that we played in. It smelled like a very wet cat had crawled in there on August fifth and decided to get sick and die. The smell was so intense. I could smell the sound of worms crawling through its decomposing body.

White Shit - Carry Me The people there were exactly the type of people that should live there. They were all very nice and very drunk and very fragrant. Sure, I immediately regretted high fiving some of them, but that,s the price you pay, you know? I think it was worth it. I do not think all of the dreadlock touching was worth it. That was done against my will. I,ve never wanted to touch a dreadlock, but I came into contact with quite a few that evening. I think one went in my mouth for a second.

Driving home was interesting. I have never slept so much while driving. I guess that made the trip seem shorter since I wasn,t awake for so much of it. That was nice. I made it home safe and went to bed at four in the morning. The next day, my car exploded and now it,s going to cost me a million dollars to fix it. This is the rock and roll lifestyle that I,ve been dreaming of since I was a stupid baby.

Ice Shaver

I hurt my back the other day. I was lifting fabric. That,s how weak I am. I was lifting a few sheets of fabric in a basket and now my back won,t work and I am probably going to die from it. It,s actually not that bad anymore, but my mouth is making up for it. I was eating dinner a few nights ago and bit my lip. That sounds dumb, but that,s true. There is no cool way to describe a lip bite. I bit it hard and now one side of my mouth is swollen and tender and surely infected with horrible germs.

It makes my entire lips weird. I wake up and they,re all sticky and gross. They,re usually gross, but they,re hardly ever sticky. I don,t know what to do about it. I have been holding hydrogen peroxide in my mouth for minutes at a time, but now my tongue is starting to burn when I do that. That probably means that my tongue is ruined and I won,t be able to taste anything for much longer.

Charles Ives - Ives Plays Ives I,ve heard that people kill themselves when they can,t taste things. I,m not going to kill myself. I,m going to use my new ailment as a superpower. I am going to eat trash and peppers and win gross food contests. That will be how I make my money. I,ll probably get a show on The Food Network where contestants come up with disgusting, inedible things for me to pile in my face. Each episode will come end with a close up on my horrible, sweaty face. I,ll be crying and shoving used coffee filters into my bleeding mouth.