Cutting Things

I just opened this up to write one of these stupid things and now I have to poop. Let,s see if I can make it through all of this without having to take a turd break. I bet I can. I,m pretty good about holding waste in my body. I wouldn,t say that I have any records or anything, but I sometimes like to challenge myself with things like that. Nope, I am going to go poop right now. You should take a break from reading this for a few minutes to simulate what it was just like for me to take a break for a few minutes from writing this. This is just turning into another poop log. I already have one of those. I do not need another.

The kitchen at my work is being remodeled so I don,t have a place to cook anything when I,m there. I also still don,t have very much money. It,s not a good combination. Today I went to the store to buy a loaf of bread with quarters so I would have something to eat. I eat bread and water. That,s not abnormal for me, but usually I eat it in other shapes like pasta or crackers or biscuits. I don,t normally eat bread in biscuit form. That was a lie.

John Coltrane - Coltrane,s Sound Last night at work I didn,t eat anything. I watched a barely-funny television show in place of nutrients. That,s what kept me going. I think I watched five episodes and laughed twice. That is a really bad ratio for a show that is billed as a comedy. That,s probably a standard ratio. That,s probably a current season of The Simpsons ratio. Yikes.

I am worried that somebody is going to complain about seeing me eat huge chunks of bread while I,m at work. There is no dedicated eating space at my job so I do it at the front desk for the whole world to see. I,m sure I look like a maniac. Nobody eats cantaloupe-sized pieces of French bread without the accompaniment of anything. I am also scared that somebody is going to complain about the super noisy music I,m playing right now. Bread and jazz are a bit too risky for this place. I need to get a job at a bread and jazz factory.

Allergic To Bread

I have been spending so much money lately in very dumb ways. My roommate moved out a week ago so my living expenses doubled. Now I have to pay for a tiny living room/kitchen, hall, bathroom, my room, and an empty room. I should probably put something in that empty room so I feel like I,m getting my money,s worth. I was thinking that I would put an ironing board in there. Maybe I,ll put a dirty, stained mattress in there and take off the glass cover off of the overhead light so it,s just bare bulbs and if I ever trick a girl into coming over, I,ll keep the room to my door closed and bring her into the diarrhea mattress room and immediately shut the light off. I guess I have to board up the window in there too so it,s extra spooky and romantic. That,s going to cost even more money.

Dan The Automator - Wanna Buy A Moneky? Instead of doing what a human would do in this situation, I went out and spent the most money I have ever spent on groceries and I bought a stupid phone so my phone bill will be twice as expensive. That makes sense. Now that I,m not forcing somebody to share the financial burden of my disgusting apartment, I increase my spending by a lot. That,s what America is all about. Maybe I,m doing it so people will think I,m cooler. They,ll look at me and whisper, ,,Look at that guy. He spends so much money and doesn,t make that much. I,d like to be his friend because I think that,s cool and risky. He,s like a more skeletal John Wayne,,

Maybe I,m having a midlife crisis. Old guys usually spend a lot of money on something stupid when they realize that they,re old. If that,s happening, I,m not going to live to be that old. I guess fifty is kind of old. Not upgrading my living space but instead paying more for it is my version of buying a fancy red car and having sex with an ugly, emaciated blond girl. I think I,m fine with that. I,ll do that other stuff during my end life crisis which will happen during everybody else,s midlife crisis. I want to never write ,,Crisis,, again.