Good And Nice

About two square feet of the floor in my kitchen has been very slippery for the past week or so. It,s confusing and dangerous. I didn,t spill any lube in the kitchen. I don,t know why it,s so slick. I almost fall every time I,m in there. I tried scrubbing it away, but it,s still slippery. Maybe that is just part of the life cycle of a kitchen floor. I don,t know. I have never seen a documentary about kitchen floors and that is the only way I learn things.

A few minutes ago, I quit the job that I have had for over five years. I,ve never missed a day of work. I,ve never called in sick. I,m bragging. I like quitting jobs. It,s a rare experience. I tend to keep jobs for either very long or very short periods of time. Quitting is nice. People should quit things more often. I want to become addicted to heroin so I can quit.

My other job doesn,t pay me nearly enough money to live so this is going to be a fun, stupid transition. I was super poor for a year or so when I was in college. I,ll just go back to living like that. That means that I,ll have eat warm water for dinner and ride my stupid bike everywhere. I,m not looking forward to either of those things, but I am looking forward to not working as much for a while. That will be alright.

Death Grips - Niggas On The Moon I have wanted to quit for a long time, but I could never motivate myself to do it. I don,t make very much money, but I have really great health benefits and the job is often extremely easy. I have been paid to watch television a whole lot during these past five years. It is also very annoying. There is a gigantic kitchen that I can use to make meals, but I do not get any breaks so if I try to cook something and then somebody needs help, my dinner is ruined. I don,t like making beds and cleaning up after people. I don,t like plunging toilets and getting diarrhea water in my mouth and eyes.

The real catalyst for my quitting is the terrible Cimex lectularius. I have hated them for as long as I can remember. They are the essence of terror. They bring about both itching and infestation; two of my very least favorite things. Yesterday, there was an overwhelming outbreak at my work and it made me so uncomfortable that I decided with absolute certainty that I would tender my resignation. The best part about all of it was that I got to use the word "tendering."

Mordecai And Margaret

I just got back from a sweet little trip. In more important news, my right ear has been kind of deaf for the past day and I think it just started working again a few seconds ago. That,s great. Now I won,t have to email my stupid doctor and ask him how much new ears cost. I have never met my doctor, but I have been to his office a few times for things. I always see nurses. That,s how I like it. I hate my doctor because he scolded me when I asked him if he could give me a vasectomy. When I grow up, I,m going to give that guy a bad Yelp review.

The trip I went on was pretty good. The weather was nice, I didn,t get struck by lightening like I thought I would, I still don,t have lice, I still have my important body parts, and I made it home on schedule. I saw some cool stuff. I ate some tasty French fries and some very bad pancakes. I drank some very warm water. I got kicked out of a bus station by a woman wearing a Hawaiian shirt. I broke an inflatable pillow.

Dur-Dur Band - Volume 5 The best part was seeing cool mountains and lakes. The most uncomfortable part was when a weird deer looked at me. The worst part was spending six hours with two of the most terrible people I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. They were a couple. Their names were Jonah and The Pig Woman. Jonah had a head half-full of short dreadlocks and a beautiful anarchy symbol tattooed under one of his eyes. He yelled with a thick, stupid accent and lied about everything. The Pig Woman looked like a human grub. She worse a stained, ripped, puke green shirt and I can,t remember what her face looked like because I tried to look at it as little as possible.

They were indescribably awful, but I,ll try to do my best. Jonah didn,t have an inside voice. He only yelled and he yelled for hours. He yelled about how stupid he was. He yelled about how many times he had been to jail. He yelled about doing a back flip and landing on his face the other day. I believed that part. He drank bottle after bottle of piss-yellow beer and ate bites of dirty hot dog with room temperature relish mushed on them.

The Pig Woman was similar. She would yell a story as loud as she could and Jonah would try to outdo her stupidity with an even more uninteresting tale. They went back and forth like this for hours until their swollen bodies were so full of alcohol and hot dog chunks and cigarette papers that they could no longer maintain consciousness. If even a momentary lull occurred in the conversation, The Pig Woman would fill it with a loud, long acapella version of a song. She puked out full, exhausting interpretations of songs by Sublime, Everlast, and The Counting Crows. It was intolerable. I am very thankful that it is very unlikely that I will ever have to see them again.