Mordecai And Margaret

I just got back from a sweet little trip. In more important news, my right ear has been kind of deaf for the past day and I think it just started working again a few seconds ago. That,s great. Now I won,t have to email my stupid doctor and ask him how much new ears cost. I have never met my doctor, but I have been to his office a few times for things. I always see nurses. That,s how I like it. I hate my doctor because he scolded me when I asked him if he could give me a vasectomy. When I grow up, I,m going to give that guy a bad Yelp review.

The trip I went on was pretty good. The weather was nice, I didn,t get struck by lightening like I thought I would, I still don,t have lice, I still have my important body parts, and I made it home on schedule. I saw some cool stuff. I ate some tasty French fries and some very bad pancakes. I drank some very warm water. I got kicked out of a bus station by a woman wearing a Hawaiian shirt. I broke an inflatable pillow.

Dur-Dur Band - Volume 5 The best part was seeing cool mountains and lakes. The most uncomfortable part was when a weird deer looked at me. The worst part was spending six hours with two of the most terrible people I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. They were a couple. Their names were Jonah and The Pig Woman. Jonah had a head half-full of short dreadlocks and a beautiful anarchy symbol tattooed under one of his eyes. He yelled with a thick, stupid accent and lied about everything. The Pig Woman looked like a human grub. She worse a stained, ripped, puke green shirt and I can,t remember what her face looked like because I tried to look at it as little as possible.

They were indescribably awful, but I,ll try to do my best. Jonah didn,t have an inside voice. He only yelled and he yelled for hours. He yelled about how stupid he was. He yelled about how many times he had been to jail. He yelled about doing a back flip and landing on his face the other day. I believed that part. He drank bottle after bottle of piss-yellow beer and ate bites of dirty hot dog with room temperature relish mushed on them.

The Pig Woman was similar. She would yell a story as loud as she could and Jonah would try to outdo her stupidity with an even more uninteresting tale. They went back and forth like this for hours until their swollen bodies were so full of alcohol and hot dog chunks and cigarette papers that they could no longer maintain consciousness. If even a momentary lull occurred in the conversation, The Pig Woman would fill it with a loud, long acapella version of a song. She puked out full, exhausting interpretations of songs by Sublime, Everlast, and The Counting Crows. It was intolerable. I am very thankful that it is very unlikely that I will ever have to see them again.

Telling The Truth

Do you remember five seconds ago when I wrote about there being a bunch of fruit flies in my disgusting apartment? I do because it just happened. It,s happening again too. I hate bugs. They land on my expensive bread. I think it keeps happening because now that I don,t have a roommate to make a bunch of trash with me, the garbage can fills up a lot slower so those jerks have time to fly in and then call their friends and have them fly in too. Then they have a weird trash party in my trash without even asking my permission and they fly into my eyes and mouth, again without my permission.

There were so many fruit flies in my kitchen this morning. Luckily, I have the internet and they don,t so I was able to look up stuff that makes them die. Apparently if you fill small cups with gross liquids, they will touch it and die because they can,t swim because they are black. That is a pretty racist thing to say. No, it isn,t because I,m talking about bugs instead of people. Still though, I think it sounds kind of racist. Whatever, dude, you,re a wimp.

Tera Melos - Where,s The Worm? I don,t know if bugs can hear anything. I made a loud noise near some of them and they didn,t move so I don,t think they can. They also might just be lazy or stupid. It is also possible that they are deaf and lazy and stupid. That would explain a lot about bugs. Only something lazy and stupid and deaf would eat poop on purpose. I guess that,s not true. I,ve seen videos of girls that I am almost positive could hear and they had quite a bit of poop in their mouths. At least they were creative with it though. They were wiggling it around and some of them puked at one point. I think they were Brazilian. That,s the main difference between people and bugs - people have nationalities.