At The Same Time

I have to go to a big, filthy music festival this weekend. My Death Cab For Cutie cover band is playing. I wouldn,t be going otherwise. There is no way I,d pay one hundred dollars to be surrounded by loud people in t-shirts who I don,t like or respect. I wouldn,t even do that if it only cost ten dollars.

Luckily, it costs negative dollars. That means that we tricked those big wigs into giving us money to suffer in the dirt and heat for a day. What a bunch of generous fools. I can,t understand why they let us do this. There is no way we are going to make them any money. They,re losing a ton of money because of us.

DJ Richard - Grind Maybe they know that. Maybe that,s why they,re making us play at the absolute worst possible time. We play on a Sunday morning. Everybody is going to be in church while we play. It,ll be pretty bizarre to play on a weird stage during the day to nobody. We usually play in a small room at night to nobody. At least one of the three variables will be the same. That,ll make it a little more comfortable.

I,m most excited about getting free food there. I assume that there is going to be free food for bands. I imagine it as a sort of trough system. All the bands line up and feed from the trough or ,,long bucket,, as they call it. I can,t wait to sneeze on everything.

Forget It

I feel excited. When you move out of a place, the landlord only has twenty-one days to give you back the part of your security deposit that they don,t end up using to clean all of the dirt you left. If they don,t give it to you within that time, they have to give you the whole deposit back. If my math is correct, my dumb landlord only has one more day to get mine to me.

That will be so cool if I get all of it back. I,ll use that extra money to buy a ton of Mountain Splash flavored Capri Suns. That is the only good flavor and it,s only a good flavor if it,s frozen. When you freeze them, they stop tasting like hummingbird food and start tasting like slightly sweet ice. That,s the best. It,s the ultimate popsicle.

William Basinski - The Disintegration Loops It takes a really long time to freeze them, but it,s totally worth it. At my old place, I used to be able to freeze them and then smash them into manageable pieces on the floor. The floor at my new place is way too loud for that so I have to hit them with a hammer which adds an extra element of stupidity and insanity to the whole process. It makes them taste a tiny bit better, but it makes me feel like a maniac. What if somebody saw me hitting a juice bag?

I have been eating so many frozen Capri Suns lately. It,s been super hot and it,s supposed to be one hundred fifty degrees this weekend. I need that deposit money so I can stock up before I die. I don,t have room in my freezer right now, though. I put my shoes in there because I heard that doing that makes them smell better. My shoes didn,t smell bad, but I thought that if the smell couldn,t be improved because it was already good, maybe it would make them look better or last longer or something. I am going to eat frozen juice pieces out of my shoes.

Staying Up Pretty Late

I,m going to drive a thousand miles in a few days. That,ll be weird. I,m going to drive to a very small town and sit there for a month and then drive back. I think I,m doing it to punish myself. I won,t say exactly where I,m going, but I,ll give you a hint - The people there are famously homophobic. I,ll give you another hint - there is nothing there. Do you give up? I don,t care.

I plan on rolling around in the dirt and singing country songs to myself all day while I,m there. I also plan on getting mean looks from the local townsfolk because of my sweaters and weak wrists. Maybe it would be a better idea to adopt the look of the natives. I could wear a cowboy hat and hold a beer and gain a lot of weight. That would be my only defense. If I can blend in, maybe I won,t get chained to a fence to death.

The Roots - Do You Want More?!!!??! I don,t really know what to bring. I plan on bringing a small chair that my friend gave me recently because, like I always say, why stand when you can sit and why sit when you can lie down? I don,t know if they have chairs there. I,ll be a king among men if they don,t.

Horse repellant is also on my list, but I don,t know if that,s a real thing. I was looking at Google Street View of an area near where I will be and there were horses in the road and that is terrifying. It might be easier to buy some horse poison because I,m almost certain that that is a real thing. Horses are like cockroaches throughout most of the world. I don,t know why people treat them like animals here. All horses want to do is smash people,s heads with their metal feet.

Who knows if there will be internet access there? I am betting on the town being little more than old, cartoon, wooden outhouses and antelope skeletons. I,m going to be excited if they have running water that isn,t full of tadpoles. I,m going to be even more excited if there is a real scarecrow there. I,m going to be the most excited if everything is black and white because they are living so far in the past.

Sewing Lessons

The other night I went to a very cold punker show. I didn,t really watch or listen to any of the bands. I don,t like that kind of music or any music. I mostly stood outside in the dirt and felt how cold it was. In that respect, it was a pretty successful show.

I didn,t have to spend any money, which was nice. I did, however, end up smelling like a toad because I sat on an outdoor couch for a little while. I was stained with toad-stink. Luckily, I get to wash all of my clothes for free at my work. Unluckily, I got a very nice haircut the other night and put all of my hairy clothes in the washing machine with the rest of my clothes and now everything is hairy. The shirt I,m wearing right now feels like there are twenty tiny needs gently bothering my back. My jacket doesn,t smell anymore though. I would say it,s a fair trade.

Jensen Sportag - Pure Wet EP
Before the show started, a few people were standing outside in the dirt with me. A strange dog ran from the shadows and grabbed the shoe off of a weird girl,s foot. We all laughed at her misfortune as the dog would bring it near her and then run away. Nobody did anything to help except for a fat kid who was probably trying to impress her. She had stretched ears and a dumb hat on and he seemed like the kind of guy to like that sort of thing. She eventually got her disgusting dog mouth covered shoe back. It was sort of like that children,s story about the shoe. I really can,t remember what it,s called. Was Cinderella the one with the shoe and the guy has to find the foot that fits it? The internet says yes.

This shirt didn,t look like it had that many hairs on it when I put it on. I figured I could just shake it out a few times and be free of them. I was wrong. It took a few hours for them to kick in. That,s the real trick. If I would have felt them right away I could have put on a less hairy shirt. All of my shirts are hairy but to different degrees. The one I am wearing right now is ,,sort of,, hairy.