In My Face

Each morning when I wake up, I don,t know what day it is. If I wake up late, I am terrified that I am missing work. If I wake up early, I am angry that I got up early even though I don,t have to work. My brain is falling apart and I don,t know what to do about it. I tried using a new pillow to see if that would make my brain more comfortable while I sleep and therefore less stupid, but it,s only been one night so I can,t tell. The pillow is huge though. It,s so full. I like how hard it is, but there is too much of it. I,m going to have to look up some pillow mods.

I think the main reason I never know what day it is anymore is because I keep having to go into work on my scheduled days off. Last week I got called in twice. That was insane. One of the calls was at six forty-five in the morning which is fifteen minutes before the shift starts. It was raining and I smelled like farts and gasoline because I didn,t have time to shower.

Gavin Bryars - Hommages I really need a haircut. Maybe that has something to do with my lack of understanding when it comes to time, but I doubt it. I just know that I look like a stupid twelve year old and my head is twice the size that it should be with all of my disgusting, frizzy hair all over it. I,ve been thinking about cutting it myself. I haven,t paid to have it cut in ten or fifteen years and I don,t really want to start now. It would be too difficult to explain to some guy holding scissors that I want him to cut everything short while still covering up my receding hairline. I don't think he would know what I meant if I asked him to make me look like a gay German cop. Only I know what that means.

I,m sure I would be able to cut the top and front and maybe even most of the sides, but the back would be really difficult. It,s not because I wouldn,t be able to see. I would. I have two mirrors and I,m pretty good and turning and twisting. The difficult part is understanding that I would be looking at a reflection of a reflection and trying to remember if left means left and right means right when it,s being reflected that many times. That,s the challenge. The other challegne is trying to remember what day it is.

Stop Saying That

Today is my tenth day of being at work in a row. That,s a lot of days even though I don,t work very hard. I have had to spend at least eight hours here each of those days. I,m going nuts. It,s making me like people that come here even less than I already did. I was supposed to work tomorrow as well but I think my boss could sense the violent rage silently building inside of me and he decided it would be a better idea to let me not work one day than to deal with me catching a bird and boiling it in front of a bunch of people or something.

These last ten days have been extra weird. A bunch of robberies have happened. I think I may have dreamt some of them, but I,m pretty sure at least a few were real. Some guy came and stole some people,s stuff one night and then came back a few days later and stole a ton of money. Maybe it was me. I don,t think it was, but the days are blending together and my eyes have been bad recently. I can,t trust my senses right now. I hope the police aren,t reading this. I wonder how many times I,ve written that sentence on here.

Thelonious Monk - Thelonious Alone In San Francsico There were a bunch of fruit flies in my apartment the other day because I hadn,t been home enough to notice that my trash was gross. I killed them all. I bet I swallowed some. I hope I did. I should have kept a small, cool light in my mouth while I was sleeping so they would be attracted to me and I could have breathed them in. I want them to die in a lung.

I,m having a lot of trouble writing this right now. I keep spelling everything even more wrong than usual. I,m really losing my mind. I can,t see anything far away. Everything smells like sour milk. I cut open a tomato today and it was full of vines and it scared me. I,m tired all the time. My throat feels weird. I keep going deaf in one ear for short periods of time. I won,t be surprised if I wake up dead soon.