No Money

My Death Cab For Cutie cover band and I woke up really early the other day so we could drive to San Francisco and play some of out adult alternative songs on a college radio station that isn,t even a real radio station. There is no ,,station.,, They play music that is streamed twenty-four hours a day on a website that nobody visits. Most of the time, it,s just a computer playing songs at random.

Knowing that nobody would be listening, we thought that this would be the opportunity of a lifetime. We could play as poorly as we normally do and say whatever insane stuff we wanted and it wouldn,t matter because we couldn,t get in trouble because nobody could hear us other than the two nerds that were ,,hosting,, the two hour radio show.

Peter Brötzmann - Nipples We got there early and set up our trash and when it was time, we played our dumb songs to an icy, barren, digital emptiness. Then the fun part happened. They let us talk on the radio. I spent the rest of the ninety minutes screaming and vaguely insulting one of the hosts. That was pretty fun. I was being extremely obnoxious and nuts.

After that, we loaded our trash back into the trusty old vehicle and drove home and broke down over and over again in the middle of heavy traffic in a densely populated metropolitan area. That was extremely exhausting and instead of getting home in two hours like we thought we would, it took us seven. At one point, the car broke down so hard that we had to eat papusas. That was great. That was probably the highlight of the day. Well, that and when we finally got towed to a mechanic and all of our phones were out of batteries so I decided that we should go to the Apple store in the mall to charge them. That was the other highlight.

White Shirt

What a day. Am I right? I slept in, ate some bread, went grocery shopping, and got one hundred dollars cash back that was supposed to last me until my next pay check in two weeks. The best part of the day was that I got my cash back and now it doesn,t exist anymore. I have no idea what happened. I almost never lose things so I don,t think that is the case.

My favorite theory that I have come up with so far is that when I was putting the groceries in my car, a homeless man approached me and asked me for fifty cents so he could buy a taco. Being a lover of tacos myself, I gave him two quarters that were in my car. I leaned in to get them and that,s when he must have picked my pocket. He was very good. I didn,t feel a thing. As soon as I gave him the two quarters, he dashed across the street.

Henry Flynt - Glissando No. 1 I thought he was walking away especially fast for a homeless person with a weird eye, but I figured that maybe he just really wanted a taco. There was a Mexican restaurant across the street and he was headed in that direction. A few minutes later, I noticed that my money was gone and I formulated this insane theory in order to feel less guilty about losing such a large sum of money.

If that guy really did pick my pocket, I,m proud of him. I never hear of that happening anymore. That is a dead or dying art and if he is the last of his kind, I hope he makes a grand living from his profession. I would much rather have him steal my money than clumsily drop it in a parking lot and have some moron pick it up and be rewarded for doing nothing. At least the thief put some effort into gaining his reward. The sloppy hag who picks up a crumpled bill from the street deserves it less than anybody.

You Are Wrong

It,s autumn. You know what that means. It means that my hands are so dry and I sniff constantly. It also means that I get to finally dress like a human being again. No more sloppy t-shirts. No more bare skin. I,m wearing a sweater right now even though it,s way too hot for it. I,m wearing it on principle. I was driving earlier and had to turn on the air conditioner because I am a stubborn idiot. I look nice, though.

To celebrate this new season, the person in the apartment next to mine invited their weirdo relative who has a Monster Energy Drink tattoo to stay with them for a few days. They made sure to tell them to bring their ugly, screaming child with them as well. I don,t know if that giant baby has a energy drink logo tattooed on its body, but if I had to guess, I would certainly say that it did.

Raw Nerve - Every Problem Solved I don,t understand that baby. I walked passed the open door of their apartment a little while ago and I saw it. It was wearing a diaper and a collared shirt. It was gigantic. It could have been three or four years old. It was drinking from a bottle filled with what I can only assume was Monster Energy Drink and it was staring blankly at a television screen.

I hear it constantly when it is over there. It runs and screams, but it doesn,t ever scream words. It only knows sounds. I have never heard it make any sound that came close to resembling a word in any language. That,s the part that doesn,t make sense to me. It is large enough to know words, but it refuses. It just emits long, pulsating noise cubes that pierce the walls and terrify me. Now that I,m thinking about it, I,m not even sure that it,s a child. I suppose a shaved raccoon would possess all of the same qualities that I just described. The neighbors are harboring a shaved wild animal in their home.

I Need To Sweep

I wish my body was okay with me pooping only four times each week. I wish it worked like that. I would only ever poop at work. I feel stupid if I poop before or after work because if I would have just done it a little earlier or a little later, I would have been getting paid to do it. That,s all I want in this world. That,s all anybody wants - to get paid to do something that they are passionate about. Plus, when I get paid to poop, I feel like I,m finally putting my degree to good use.

I,m at work right now and I might go force a turd out of my body on principle. Maybe I won,t. A bunch of kids are supposed to be here soon. I don,t want them to show up while I,m ripping a gnarly mess in the bathroom. I don,t like being able to hear people when I,m pooping. I think that,s way worse than people hearing me. A poop closet should be a place of peace, solitude, and contemplation.

Agata - Spike One of my arms has been hurting for a few days. I played badminton and I think I broke every bone and pulled every muscle in my body. That,s what I get for never exercising once in my entire life. It was fun though. I was doing trick shots and pretending that the racquet was a guitar and sweating. I felt alive even though I lost. Nobody was keeping score, but in my heart I felt like I was losing. I always feel like that .

Calling A Lot

The other day I went on a trip to the beach to play a show with my Death Cab For Cutie cover band. I drove so much. We played in a very gross punker house. The room we played in looked like a crazy person,s bedroom. Their were soiled, broken mattresses lining the walls and the floor sloped dramatically to one side and felt like it was a wrestling ring because it was so bouncy. The mattresses were really gross and I am still in the process of trying to find out if I am up to date on all of my vaccinations after accidentally touching some of them. I feel like I have heartworm now.

Each room in the house had a very distinct odor. The kitchen smelled like drugs because there were so many people doing drugs in there. The living room smelled like a sweaty person doing drugs. The bathroom smelled like somebody grilling an old hot dog wrapped in tire rubber smeared with poop. The best room was the room that we played in. It smelled like a very wet cat had crawled in there on August fifth and decided to get sick and die. The smell was so intense. I could smell the sound of worms crawling through its decomposing body.

White Shit - Carry Me The people there were exactly the type of people that should live there. They were all very nice and very drunk and very fragrant. Sure, I immediately regretted high fiving some of them, but that,s the price you pay, you know? I think it was worth it. I do not think all of the dreadlock touching was worth it. That was done against my will. I,ve never wanted to touch a dreadlock, but I came into contact with quite a few that evening. I think one went in my mouth for a second.

Driving home was interesting. I have never slept so much while driving. I guess that made the trip seem shorter since I wasn,t awake for so much of it. That was nice. I made it home safe and went to bed at four in the morning. The next day, my car exploded and now it,s going to cost me a million dollars to fix it. This is the rock and roll lifestyle that I,ve been dreaming of since I was a stupid baby.