The Rich Girls I Know

I always think it is so weird to open presents in front of people. Even if it,s not the people that got them for you, it still sucks. If it is the person that got you the gift you have to make sure that you react like it,s rad and that you were planning on buying it any way and that you need it for the next time you do anything.

I got my dad some detective novel written in the 1930s and when he opened it he said, ,,How did you know?,,. That is too much of a reaction. Everybody knew that he had never wanted that book and probably can,t even read (he wears glasses so people think he can, just like Santa).

Pete Drake - Steel Away
It,s even harder if you have to open gifts in front of people that didn,t get them for you. You have to find that perfect middle ground of surprise, admiration, and care so you don,t look like the jerk that you are and they won,t taddle on you to the people that got them for you (tis the season). You have to act like you really needed the electric guitar key chain or Gore-Tex scarf that your uncle got you because he doesn,t remember that you dress like a human being.

I,m usually pretty into all the gifts I get though. I guess that makes me greedy. Whatever. If people are going to go through the effort of pretending they thought of me when they were buying the giant half-zip sweatshirt with weird collar and camouflage boxer briefs (also too big, I,m built like Anne Frank. Too soon?) from Kmart then the least I can do is be into it while I return it to get store credit and buy what I really wanted - the new Drake album. He came into my heart in a wheelchair but has left the confines of his shiny two-wheeled ambulatory monster to dance/rap and carve weird lines in the side of his hair. And that is what the season is all about.

Thanks Skin Flute

Pecan Pie, Not Chocolate Ganosh

I just finished writing my last paper for my last class for my last college. I just spent thousands of dollars learning stuff about movies that makes me sound like the pretentious know-it-all that I am when I talk about them. Stuff like calling movies ,,Films,, or using the word ,,Cinematography,, instead of picture taker guy. Real jerk words. I majored in watching movies all the time when there were people out there trying to become doctors. I,m realizing all of this stuff as I write it and I now know why people spat on me when I told them what classes I was taking.

White Shit - Sculpted Beef
I guess the moral of it all is that the very last movie I ever watched in a college level film studies program was Josie and the Pussy Cats. I had to go to the Food Bank and drink hard milk because I spent all of my money watching Jo Jo and the Pussy Foots. Thanks a lot everybody.

I,ll be sure to keep you all updated on the great stuff that comes with getting such a highly sought after degree. Stuff like - getting the piece of paper in the mail, giving it to my dad, not making money, being tired, wondering why I didn,t study computers or something. It,ll make for great blogging. Almost as good as this one was. Sorry.

Shopping For Gifts For Friends

I,m at work right now. I just talked to this idiot guy for like 40 minutes. I was just sitting there, minding my own bee,s wax when old tight-fitting-brown-shirt-mom-jeans-gel-hair jerk walked by and started demanding to know stuff about me. Of course I made up some stuff to try to impress him. I told him about how my dad was a professional boxer and how I used to box too until I found religion. Then he started grilling me about what school I was going to and what the school was known for. What does that mean? I just told him that some guy there got beat to death with a bat a few weeks ago and the guy that did it got shot by a cop while I was in class. Actually, thinking about it now, I think he just wanted to know if my school specialized in any field. You know, like a corn field or Fieldy from Korn. After that he started telling me why I should travel.

Sonic Youth - The Destroyed Room
He just kept saying New Zealand over and over. I told him I had heard of New Zealand but he told me I hadn,t. Then he told me I was traveling wrong and that I should wait until I am older with kids to see the states. I told him I couldn,t have kids because I am a fag and penis + penis may = fun but it never = kids. He was bad at math. So I showed him my penis.

I thought that little maneuver would send him running and leave me alone to listen to weirdo French guys play the piano but I was wrong. He left for a few minutes and then came back to ask for something. He noticed some movies we had here and seemed quite interested. All he said was, ,,Do you have any of the American Pie series?,, I apologized profusely and said we didn,t. He walked away and muttered, ,,I knew it was a long shot.,,

Oh yeah, and I think he thinks that Mythbusters is a movie.