My Dad

I think the only purpose this thing serves is a record of when I am sick. I feel kind of sick right now. I,ll go through all of the stuff I have written at that beginning of next year and see how often I was ill and I,ll make a chart. That,ll be nice. Then I,ll post it somewhere; maybe at work. Then I,ll get a B+ on it. Then I,ll be satisfied.

I went camping the other day. It was nice and cold there. I locked my keys in my car and had to call somebody to break into it for me for the first time in my life. That was weird. It was especially weird because I was at a campground that was a small strip of land surrounded by ocean on both sides. I wish the guy would have come on a row boat. He came in a dumb tow truck. He was very uncreative. He was also very sweaty and fat.

Young Waves - We Grew Up EP When I was sleeping there, I heard skunks outside of the tent fighting over a bag of hamburger buns. That was nice. Also, a bird tried to open the tent at one point. I think the campground owners have trained them to do that and steal people,s wallets. It walked up to the tent and bit the zipper and tried to unzip it for a second. It was lazy though so it didn,t put too much effort into it. I wanted to catch a bird and eat it. What happens if you boil a whole bird?

Birthday

I,ve been spending a little bit of time around an old woman with one eye from Texas recently. She,s great. Not only does she have a cool glass eye and a sassy southern accent, she is also full of weird sayings and phrases that I have either never heard or have only heard in old, racist cartoons. She also knows how to cook and she has a real life glass eye.

One of her eyes is made out of glass. It,s not normal glass. You can,t see through it. That might be cool though. It,s glass that is made to look like a human eye. Do you remember in that movie Last Action Hero when the bad guy had a glass eye and he was always changing it according to his mood? I liked that movie when I was a kid. I wonder if she,s seen that.

1958-2009 - II She said some pretty good phrases the last time I was around her. She was talking about hopefully being able to go on a trip next Spring and she said, ,,God willing and if the creek don,t rise.,, I loved it. If the creek rises and drowns everybody, she definitely will not be going on that trip. She,s a practical woman. Later she was having some coffee and was talking about how strong it was and said, ,,This will put hair on your chest... Or take it off.,, I had never heard the second half of that before. I am going to start drinking strong coffee so I can stop looking like an overcooked hot dog that was dropped on the floor of a barbershop.

The best part about hearing her say all of this wacky old stuff is that her voice is really quiet and sort of sounds like she just woke up all the time. I want to be like her when I grow up. I want to be a tiny old woman with one eye and a southern accent who says weird, archaic phrases and knows how to make biscuits and was alive during World War Two. I think that is a realistic goal for myself, but I know I,ve got a lot of work ahead of me.

Not Busy

I wonder if people make trips to New York City to celebrate September eleventh. They probably do. People probably spend a lot of money to fly there so they can go to the place where those buildings were and act bummed and then eat at Red Lobster and fly home and tell everybody about it. I wonder how many photo albums there are on the internet that are named things like ,,My trip to NYC to mourn 9/11,, or ,,I hate those Iraqis they suck :(,, or ,,My trip to honor the heroes.,, I bet almost half of every online photo album has one of those three names.

The way I am celebrating the lives of all of those people that got smashed to death by planes and buildings is by working today and wondering if I am getting paid time and a half. Does the mail get delivered today? How much of a holiday is this? I don,t think you,re supposed to ask that stuff because it might make it seem like a fake holiday if somebody admits out loud that the mail still gets delivered. Then the terrorists really will have won.

Milk Party - Dos Leches I can barely remember what happened on September eleventh. I was fourteen. I remember watching television in the library at school. It was my first year of high school and I thought it was awesome that classes basically stopped and nobody did any work that day. I thought high school was going to be awesome. I was right. Nobody did any work and everybody graduated.

When I was in middle school people figured out that making bomb threats would shut the school down and nobody would have to do any work so that happened a lot for a while. I think people were calling them in from the pay phone that was at the school. That,s pretty gutsy. I think I only knew one kid with a cellular phone.

Another time part of the school got burnt because a kid dropped his bong in a field. I don,t know if he got in trouble for that. I think he kept going to school with me. There are no repercussions for doing drugs and accidentally burning a big field. That,s what I learned in school. Also, peer pressure isn,t real and kids have sex when they,re really young and it,s gross.

Mythic Farts

The other day I woke up early on one of my days off so I could drive to a place full of old people and then drive to a small orchard and pick pears. It was strange. The first place I drove to was gigantic and full of old birthday cakes and pillows. Everybody there was one hundred years older than me. Nobody knew what was going on and I saw a forklift moving without a driver. All of the old people couldn,t hear and were mean to each other. I liked that. It,s nice to see small, wiggly old people saying mean things to other small, wiggly old people. It takes you back to a time when things were simpler and more vicious.

After sitting in an office for an hour the old people drove me and some other people to a small, rotting orchard. The owners of the orchard didn,t know that anybody was coming so they were terrified and unprepared. They said that there was no fruit to pick. I proved them wrong. I picked several fruits. Most of them were actual fruits but a few of them had turned into melted crayons and when I would go to grab them my thumb would sink inside of them and I would want to throw up. Others had turned into bees. Those were the dangerous ones.

XXYYXX - XXYYXX One of the old people kept saying that certain things gave him flashbacks of the war. I think he said this to keep us on our toes. He wanted everybody to think that he was about to freak out and start snapping necks. It worked. I think everybody picked fruit faster because of it. Maybe he was being serious. I don,t know how many pear orchards there were in the war. Maybe there were a lot. Maybe that,s what the war was about after all.