I Do Not Know What Your Voice Sounds Like

I don,t think I have ever worn a sleeveless shirt in my life. I hope I never do. The only possible reason I can think to wear a sleeveless shirt would be if I only had one shirt with me and both of my sleeves got caught on some tree branches while I was running through the woods to escape human poachers and both of them tore off. Then and only then are sleeveless shirts acceptable. If you wear them on purpose, then you are no better than the human poachers.

I work full-time now. That,s nice. I can finally afford to live. Actually, I haven,t received a normal sized check yet so I can,t really afford it. I will be able to once I gt paid, though. That,ll be something sweet. It,ll be bittersweet. It will be sweet because I will get paid a living wage. It will be bitter because it will mark the end of my free food. I will have to bid farewell to my beloved food stamps. I care about them so much. My life is not going to be the same without them.

Sean McCann - Ten Impressions For Piano & Strings When I was a kid and didn,t have any money and never had to pay for anything or do anything, I thought food stamps were stupid. I thought that I would never want to use them because it would be embarrassing. I can,t believe how wrong and dumb and ugly I was. I am so proud of using food stamps. I wish they were actual stamps instead of a boring card. I want to be able to boastfully count out my free money to the cashier as I pay for my ridiculous amount of cereal and noodles.

I think food stamps should be mandatory for everybody. Even if you,re a millionaire, you should have to receive and spend at least twenty dollars a month in food stamps. It feels so good. People say food tastes better if you make it yourself and that is very true, but it tastes double better if you,ve made it yourself and bought it yourself using money that you didn,t work for. I have never tasted fruit as sweet and loaves of bread and soft and warm as those I have gained through the use of food stamps. I have never drank juice so refreshing and eaten pasta so satiating as that I have bought with money that comes from an invisible uncle named Samuel who also made me sign up for the Selective Service on my eighteenth birthday.

Publish

I have to buy a car soon and I am not excited about it. More specifically, I have to buy a gigantic van. I have to spend my entire life savings on a dumb van that people are just going to sweat and puke in and that makes me feel dumb. I feel even more dumb because I don,t know anything about vans so I don,t know how to tell if they are good or if they are even vans. I am going to get swindled to death.

I am getting a van so some of my friends and I will be able to travel back and forth across this beautiful nation and throw money into garbage cans and treat our bodies like outhouses and punching bags. That,s the American dream. That,s what I have decided to try to do with my fleeting life. That,s what I,m doing with my college degree. I am wasting money and hurting myself in the process.

Miles Davis - Quintet/Sextet I can,t be believe how old I am. What I mean is that I can,t believe that I am as old as I am and I am still making such terrible decisions. I generally make one or two gigantic, terrible life decisions each year. It,s been about a year since my last one so I figure it,s time to do it again. If everything goes as poorly as I think it will, this may be my last awful, life-altering decision I make. It may kill me. It may reduce me to something so small and worthless that I can,t even make decisions anymore. That,s what heaven is like.

Making Breakfast

My Death Cab For Cutie cover band is playing a show tonight. We don,t really do that anymore. We haven,t played our trash in front of people in months. I guess tonight won,t really count, though. I,m sure that nobody is going to be there. It,s a Sunday and it,s kind of cold and nobody cares about covers of Death Cab For Cutie songs so it makes sense that it,ll be an empty room.

That,s alright. That,s what we,re used to. That,s our comfort zone. I sort of feel bad for the other bands from out of town that are playing with us because nobody is going to be there, but that,s what they get for asking us to set up a show. Nobody cares so nobody comes. Use your brains, guys. Ask a real band to play with you, not us. There, now I don,t feel bad at all anymore.

Lapalux - Nostalchic I went clothes shopping the other day. That was pretty strange. Nothing strange happened, but it was just strange that I went out and bought clothes. I almost never do that. I genuinely can,t remember the last time I did that. Actually, that,s not totally true. At the beginning of every year, I usually buy a bag of socks and a bag of white shirts. They last one year so that,s why I do it annually. It,s a right of passage. It shows me that I,m not growing because I always buy the same size shirts every year.

A Mistake

I just got back from the land of moisture and lizards. What a place. It was hot and raining and covered in lizards and old people. I had a great time. I ate a fried tomato and watched a lot of movies and got a red hat that says „sauce racing„ on it. What more could I ask for?

It was so warm there. Now I,m back and it,s freezing. I could see my breath in my apartment all day yesterday. It was great. One of my hands is really cold and it won,t warm up. I turned my oven on and left the door open to try to make my home more comfortable, but it didn,t work.

Twerk - Now I,m Rendered Useless I wonder if heaven is really cold. It probably is. It,s the opposite of hell and hell is made out of hot lava so it has to be cold up there. Everybody wears sweaters and there are blankets everywhere. That,s my heaven - a place so cold that you are uncomfortable if you are not in bed.

When I was in Lizardville, I went to a restaurant and some ugly goon asked some other ugly goon if she would marry him. She agreed. What a couple of fools. I ate a bunch of soft pretzels that night so there were two highlights - the beginnings of a future divorce and a bunch of soft pretzels.