The First Day Of Summear

My Death Cab For Cutie cover band is recording an album right now and last night I had to record some singing and it almost made me throw up. It was crazy. It also gave me the worst, most piercing headache I have ever experienced. Now I feel like I got beaten up. I am way too old for music. I can,t even say words into a recording machine without hurting myself. My body was not made to last this long. I can,t believe I,m still alive.

Those car exorcists finally got the ghost out of my ugly vehicle. They sure charged me a pretty penny for it. I could have definitely bought a car in the same condition as mine for that money. I guess that,s what I get for being a dope. I made the guy at the car hospital promise me that if I paid him that crazy amount of money, nothing bad would ever happen to me or my car again, though. So I guess I,m invincible now.

The Soft Pink Truth - Why Do The Heathen Rage? I only have four more days of work at my dumb job. Thank heavens. I like being so close to the finish line that I can see it. It,s comforting. It,s so comforting that I am doing an even worse job than I normally do. It,s great. I,m not worried about being reprimanded and I,m certainly not worried about being fired. That would actually be a good thing. Then I could get unemployment.

Speaking of unemployment, I,m excited to try my hand at the food stamp game again. I am sure that I will definitely be poor enough to qualify for them after this week. I am not looking forward to having to go to the food stamp factory and sit in a big, smelly room with a bunch of ghouls, but if that,s what it takes to get a free eighty dollars every month to spend on popsicles and noodles, then I,ll do it.

Wearing A Hat

I really don,t like riding my bike. I,ve had to do it a lot for the past few days because my car has a ghost inside of it. I took it to a specialist who is currently trying to lure it out with promises of Ecto Cooler flavored Hi-C, but in the meantime, I can,t drive anywhere. I have to pedal around on my smelly, ugly bike. I actually don,t think it,s smelly or ugly, but I still don,t like riding it.

I used to ride it a lot when I was really poor and couldn,t afford to drive. I guess I,m going to be in that position again shortly because of my whole quitting-my-job-without-a-reasonable-source-of-income thing, but whatever. Discomfort brings about epiphany, right? I am an idiot.

Cherub - 100 Bottles I didn,t like riding it back then, but I like it even less now. I think in the five or so years since I last regularly rode that thing around, I have discovered that I enjoy comfort a whole lot. Riding a bike is uncomfortable. I have a plush leathery, springy seat on there, but that,s not enough. I still have to pedal. I still have to have leaves and bugs blown in my face. I still have to get sweaty. It takes to long. I am a gigantic baby.

I,m glad I still have a bicycle, though. This week would be even less fun without one. My only other options would be the bus which I really don,t like because it,s gross and costs money, walking which is pretty good, but takes too long, or skateboarding which would be the worst because even though I used to skateboard a lot when I was a kid, using it as a form of transportation is terrible. Every pebble is an enemy. Every crack is an angry foe. Every cool kid that sees me trying to skateboard would laugh at me.

Good And Nice

About two square feet of the floor in my kitchen has been very slippery for the past week or so. It,s confusing and dangerous. I didn,t spill any lube in the kitchen. I don,t know why it,s so slick. I almost fall every time I,m in there. I tried scrubbing it away, but it,s still slippery. Maybe that is just part of the life cycle of a kitchen floor. I don,t know. I have never seen a documentary about kitchen floors and that is the only way I learn things.

A few minutes ago, I quit the job that I have had for over five years. I,ve never missed a day of work. I,ve never called in sick. I,m bragging. I like quitting jobs. It,s a rare experience. I tend to keep jobs for either very long or very short periods of time. Quitting is nice. People should quit things more often. I want to become addicted to heroin so I can quit.

My other job doesn,t pay me nearly enough money to live so this is going to be a fun, stupid transition. I was super poor for a year or so when I was in college. I,ll just go back to living like that. That means that I,ll have eat warm water for dinner and ride my stupid bike everywhere. I,m not looking forward to either of those things, but I am looking forward to not working as much for a while. That will be alright.

Death Grips - Niggas On The Moon I have wanted to quit for a long time, but I could never motivate myself to do it. I don,t make very much money, but I have really great health benefits and the job is often extremely easy. I have been paid to watch television a whole lot during these past five years. It is also very annoying. There is a gigantic kitchen that I can use to make meals, but I do not get any breaks so if I try to cook something and then somebody needs help, my dinner is ruined. I don,t like making beds and cleaning up after people. I don,t like plunging toilets and getting diarrhea water in my mouth and eyes.

The real catalyst for my quitting is the terrible Cimex lectularius. I have hated them for as long as I can remember. They are the essence of terror. They bring about both itching and infestation; two of my very least favorite things. Yesterday, there was an overwhelming outbreak at my work and it made me so uncomfortable that I decided with absolute certainty that I would tender my resignation. The best part about all of it was that I got to use the word "tendering."

Short Rows

My schedule is so dumb right now. I now have two jobs - one old and stupid, one new and not nearly as stupid. This means that I have to work at seven in the morning, seven days a week. This also means that two days a week, I have to work at seven in the morning and then at three in the afternoon. Today is one of those days. It feels like two days because I take a nap in between my jobs and start over again. I wonder how long I will keep doing this before I bury myself alive or quit one of the jobs.

The new job is cool except for the fact that I have to pay for parking. It,s not super expensive, but it,s still annoying. It,s extra annoying because the parking attendants are always late so I have to wait around for them to show up so I can get a discount before I leave. There is nothing quite as sad as sitting in your car, alone, tired, ugly, under a freeway, waiting for somebody who you don,t care about. It,s a singularly sad event and I am not looking forward to experiencing it so regularly.

Pattern Is Movement - Pattern Is Movement I haven,t started a new job in over five years. I forgot how much stuff you have to learn when you start working somewhere. There are so many buttons and codes. I don,t know anybody,s name. I don,t know who my boss is. I can,t remember where the secret room full of beer is. I need to know where that is so I don,t accidentally go in there. I don,t want to have to wear a tank top and those sandals that have bottle openers on the bottom. That,s not what I signed up for.