Earth Crusher

The other day at work a woman peed all over the place. She peed on the porch, in her room in the trash can, and of course, on her dignity. First, she pissed a big wet splash right through her skin-tight yoga pants onto a bench outside. Biggest bummer: it,s the bench that I usually sit on. She did this right in front of some Australian kid that later gave me a tent and sleeping bag. I would have figured her to be more careful; I,m sure she got splatters all over her hundred dollar Ed Hardy sandals.

Washington Phillips - I Am Born To Preach The Gospel
Then she puked. Then she went to her room and pissed all over in the garbage can. I had to carry the wet bag to outside later and it was a very surprising amount of liquid that she had excreted. It was probably close to a pint all together. Luckily, the bag didn,t have any holes it it. Somehow though, she managed to get quite a bit of her golden release under the bag so it was just pooling up at the bottom of the small, plastic can. Interesting.

The most bizarre part of it all was when she was getting kicked out, she calmly started calling people and telling them that she was getting kicked out for pissing everywhere. Normal as could be.

I think all of her top teeth were fake.

Little Balls Of Fury

I think somebody tried to, or is in the process of trying to, poison me. Everybody knows that I love a good tomato. They are great. But, this information may have slipped into the wrong hands. A little while ago I found a bag of tomatoes hanging from my apartment doorknob. Strange. Most of them looked alright. A couple of them looked like somebody had used them as a pencil sharpener and it was obvious that they weren,t the dumb store-style tomates. They were all weird sized and ugly. Usually I would jump at the opportunity to snack from a mystical Horn of Plenty. This time however, I stopped myself from grabbing those red eggs and mashing them into my ugly face.

A long time ago a little nutcase gave me a giant tomato and then proceeded to be a little nutcase; getting nuttier with everyday, nutting throughout life much like the angry opossums that live in my yard. The nutter has now reached a new apex of nuttiness; scaring me to the point where I won,t eat free food. A horrible thing to admit. But, it,s better to be alive and hungry than killed by a wrinkled tomato that was filled with bleach and Gila Monster poison. So I took that bag and emptied it out for the angry opossum family to enjoy. The cycle of life, you know.

Tera Melos - Idioms Volume 1
After I didn,t eat those tomatoes I drove to Smokeland because my Death Cab For Cutie cover band was scheduled to play a nice, cozy metal show at some hippy cafe. As to be expected, nobody cared that we played. Smokeland is riddled with horrible, horrible creatures. Many of them were swarming around the cafe trying to sell us chains for two dollars and just generally harass us. The most grotesque of them all stumbled in while one of the metal bands was setting up and proceeded to mumble gibberish and demand that some poor girl take her picture several times. Of course when they started chugging out their songs the walking abortion got really close to the singer, like kissing close, and drooled nonsense at him, snatching at the microphone and stomping her one good leg all the while. I think they ended up ,,hooking up,, that night in the bathroom next to the guy that was doing rails of what we all though was coke but was probably Mexican corn flour mixed with lighter fluid. Our best show yet.

Oral Suction

I just did an inordinate amount of driving. I am an idiot and blasted through my life savings in twelve minutes when I bought a stupid car. Ultimate Bummer. Following the logic that I generally use which makes me the horrible, miserable person that I am, I figured I might as well spend the paycheck I haven,t even got yet on gas driving to the middle of nowhere and turning around and driving home. So that,s what I did.

I left way too late at night after working for eight hours and having the most suicide-inducing ,,band practice,, of my life. The trip was off to a great start. I drove until I was casually weaving on and off of the paved surface and slept in a dirt parking lot next to some toilets that were covered in blood and flies. Luv U Nevada! I spent the next day eating warm bagels and listening to the same four records over and over. I did get to enjoy the sublime luxury of yet another freetel though. That was nice.

That evening I walked around in a parking lot and looked at the terrifying hills and ubiquitous TacoTime Home-Style Mexican Food Restaurants. I enjoyed a lovely dinner of fried pickles and sloppy waitresses. One of the fifteen year old kids eating at the restaurant kept getting called fat and it gave him a very loud, obnoxious complex about his neck and face. He wasn,t fat but he was ugly.

Aphex Twin - Melodies From Mars
I had a very tight schedule to keep which meant I had to drive for at least fourteen hours each day. So the next morning I had to get up early, eat a free waffle at the freetel and drive a lot. I didn,t want to see the same stupid road so I went way out of my way so I could look at a different stupid road with weird, lonely rocks on the sides. Everything looked like it wanted to kill me or that it was fake or a mix of both. I felt right at home.

I drove forever and got a nice sunburn. Luv U Nevada! I bought some fireworks called New Small Bees which are exactly as great as you think they are (very), hated how white Utah is, and kept myself from falling asleep at the wheel by counting all of the wind turbines that I passed near my future home all while listening to the same four records.

Long Hair

Work is such a knife in the boner today. Yeah right. I have the easiest job. All I ever do is eat pasta and read dumb magazines and earn cool points on the internet all day. But today I couldn,t do any of that. There is some fat sow here that does annual inspections and she has just been sitting and staring at me all day - judging me, undressing me and penetrating me with her one working eye. It is both erotic and irritating. Much like masturbating with a handful of dead bees.

I spent three hours folding papers. I now have shiny stripes of compressed flesh on the parts of my fingers I was folding with. I think I,m going to die from it. I can see my reflection on my skin. At first I was having fun because I was pretending to be a little German five year old in 1940, working 14 hours a day in the town,s new munitions factory which had taken the place of the old church. Then it got boring really quickly and I almost fell asleep.

Shugo Tokumaru - Exit
I have no idea how to look busy for eight hours here. I spent a really long time boiling water in the kitchen so she wouldn,t be able to see me. Then I ate my dinner really slowly but it got cold so that backfired, just like everything else. Then she went to the grocery store and I went crazy - checking email, treating customers like the trash that they are, browsing scat porn, brushing crumbs onto the floor; all the great stuff that this great job usually affords me.

I,m going to have to do all of this stuff tomorrow too. I am out of stuff to fold so I have no idea what I,m going to do to try and look occupied. Maybe I,ll just keep calling the phone here so I can answer it and get into really long, fake conversations with myself. Or maybe I,ll poison Little Miss Inspector.

I Hate Cats So Much

In the last two days I have eaten an ungodly amount of cereal. I love cereal. I used to eat it a ton when I was a kid. It,s the easiest thing in the world to make and everybody knows that I am a disgustingly lazy person. Cereal and I went hand in hand. Back in my prime cereal days, I used to really like Corn Flakes. I would usually just eat them with milk. Sometimes though, I would put a diabetic amount of sugar in there. I would put so much that the top would be completely white and when I would shovel down to the bottom of the bowl I would scoop up a wet, gritty mound of gold to accompany the soggy flakes. It was great.

Now I hate sweet stuff. I don,t eat or drink anything fun anymore. Probably because of those goddamn cereals. Everything I eat and drink is boring. When I want to go really wild I will have a glass of orange juice and think about what chocolate looks like. God, even that is making me wince. I usually just boil some red pepper flakes and half of a turnip in my shoe for dinner. That,s about all of the flavor I can handle.

But this cereal I have been eating the passed two days has been insane. I rarely eat cereal anymore because it is way too expensive for a human being. So when I stumble upon a free, huge bag of Silly Circles brand family oat and fruit flavored cereal style breakfast food, I jump at the opportunity. I poured myself a giant bowl of it yesterday and threw in somebody,s expired vegan milk I found and had myself a party. I knew it was going to be bad but I just tried to muscle it down in honor of my younger self.

The Chap - Well Done Europe
Today I did the same thing but there were no more Silly Circles. Somebody had left half of a box of Frosted Mini Spooners and two unopened gallons of one percent milk. Milk is horrible. I rarely drink it so I don,t know what it is supposed to smell like. I always think it has gone bad. Even the one I just opened. The sell by date is like three weeks from now but I knew it was putrid. That always taints my experience. My distrust in milk all stems from me being a hypochondriac about things that hypochondriacs don,t care about. Milk.

The Spooners tasted like a sweet holocaust in my mouth where the Jews and gays were replaced by my flaccid taste buds and delicate sensibility. Complete annihilation. And I usually love cereal that is in that shape. The shredded wheat-sawdust at the bottom of the box, Oh My God. It,s the best. But this was just a pile of sugary ash. Burnt clowns piled in a bog of lemon-curd and ginger. I ate every bite of it.

Smiling

I just went and hung out in a dumb beach town for two days. It was full of homeless people with deteriorating faces and bad attitudes. I ate nothing but giant burritos and my body is now an uncomfortable diarrhea machine at this point. I love it. I only got called a faggot once which was surprising and I didn't even get beaten up or anything.

My friend got us this rad freetel (that,s the new phrase for free hotel). Of course I stayed up way too late and watched some show about a mean fish and Food Network. That was pretty great. Somebody peed their pants next to the pool like it wasn,t no thang. It wasn,t. We went to the beach and walked around looking at horrible people. They were all sufficiently horrible.

I didn,t want to spend a ton of money on food so my friend and I bought a Tombstone and went to some kid,s house to cook it. They had a surprisingly clean oven for the amount of rabbit poop on the ground. Everybody was barefoot and smoking weed the whole time and didn,t get any of the hilarious jokes I kept telling. Their loss.

J Spaceman - Silent Sound
The next day we didn,t know what to do and we didn,t have a place to be since we had to leave the freetel. We were treated to a free breakfast of hard boiled eggs, tomato juice, and cold oatmeal to start our day. After our feast we drove around aimlessly and ended up hanging out at my favorite Safeway. Then we went back to rabbit poop house and sat in the sun. Later we slept next to a pool while a woman made out of a garbage bag half filled with jellyfish pointed her dumper at us.

That night my dumb band played a show at that house. A bunch of collegers came. You could tell they were collegers by the lighters smashed in between boobs, the overwhelming stink of Axe Body Mist that filled the tiny room, and the way that the girls there tried to sop up spilled beer with their bare feet. It was sufficiently horrible. We played a bunch of Minor Threat songs and I told more hilarious jokes before, during, and after we played but people still didn,t get them. Some girl passed out and smashed her face on a keyboard though. That was pretty good. She maintained that she was just really tired and fell asleep for a second. She sure convulsed a lot for just sleeping but maybe that,s how people do it down there.