Never Doing It

My Death Cab For Cutie cover band played a show the other night in a house. We,ve done that plenty of times, but this time was special because not only did it have a cat living there, but it had three cats living there. Also, somebody was boiling a pot of water the entire time so it was nice and extremely humid and warm in there. The place was pretty clean, but it was completely disgusting because it was so hot and so allergenic.

I played really badly because my hands were so sweaty that my fingers were slipping around and hitting wrong buttons. That has never happened before. Also, some terrible goon that looked like he puts drugs in girls, drinks unplugged the microphone for a long time and then yelled at me about it. Whatever, dude. You,re the guy wearing the headband, not me. It was a strange night.

Aphex Twin - Syro I,m at work right now. I,m working a lot for the next two weeks. I,m covering for somebody, but it,s weird. I,m covering for her, but she works for a completely different company than the one I work for. That means that I got two hours of training to do this job and I,m sitting in a weird room surrounded by nerds. Being surrounded by nerds is kind of nice. I don,t feel as conspicuous as I normally do. These are my people, except they talk about computers and football. They,re all dorks, though. That,s nice.

The amount of work I have to do here is out of control. It is almost nothing. I have been here for five hours and I have had to answer the phone once. I,ve written a handful of sloppy emails and spent the rest of the time rubbing my eye because it,s been twitching nonstop for five days. It,s driving me nuts. I hope it,s not symptomatic of a larger issue. Maybe I have pinkeye that is so intense that it starts with long-lasting tremors.

Sweating With No Underwear On

My job is so cool. Today was wild. It was very normal for most of the morning until everything started smelling terrible all of the sudden. All was quiet for a bit and nobody was saying anything to each other and an overwhelming wave of sour, penetrating stink rolled it. We sat in its murky depths for maybe thirty seconds until one of the dudes I work with quietly asked, ,,Did one of you guys fart?,,

It was great because we were all thinking it. We all wanted to know who to congratulate for their otherworldly aroma. We wanted to find the culprit and give them the accolades that they deserved. Strangely though, the source of the stench was not any of our innards. What,s strange about that is that our office is pretty separate from everybody else. How could such a foul turd gust have made its way into our little home?

Somebody suggested that maybe it was the trash. I thought that somebody had snuck a baby into work and that it exploded with diarrhea. It was about that time that other people in the building started walking by us covering their faces. It was infecting everybody. We were all dead in a matter of minutes.

Holly Herndon - Chrous I still don,t know exactly what caused such a seismic shift in odor, but everybody in the building got hit with it. It lingered for about twenty minutes and then it was gone. All of the windows were opened and scented candles were distributed to those in need.

The most agreed upon rumor was that it just a standard dump that somebody had taken in one of the bathrooms. It was flushed and everything, but its long-lasting memory crawled out from the porcelain grave and grabbed everybody by the throats. I hope that,s what happened. I hope a single person, a tiny woman perhaps, emptied her bowels and expelled something so potently horrible that it upset an entire company. And people say that there are no real superheroes.

Suggesting

This week was the first time I have had to work by myself at all. It,s been nice. I,m alone for the first two hours. I am completely alone. Nobody else is in the building. It,s wild. I can,t believe they trust me. I,m glad they do, though. It gives me a chance to fart and listen to whatever weird music I want. I just have to be sure not to fart within twenty minutes of when the other dudes arrive in case it,s an especially permeating, lingering stink.

Now that my Death Cab For Cutie cover band is done with our dumb album, we have to figure out what to do with it. My first choice is to trash it and never let anybody hear it, but the other guys aren,t into that because they „spent tons of money on it„ and „worked really hard.„ Whatever, dudes. That,s not my problem. You should have done what I did and not put any effort into it.

Shintaro Sakamoto - Let,s Dance Raw It,s pretty weird trying to convince people or companies or whatever to pay a ton of money to have the annoying music you made put on a small or large disc. It,s even weirder to try to convince people to do that and have them not immediately tell you to shut up and get out of their face. I can,t believe there are people in this great big, beautiful, smelly world who are wacky enough to even consider doing that. Fools. Don,t they realize that they,re all just Death Cab For Cutie covers?

Nothing has happened with it yet. There is no guarantee that anything will ever happen with this obnoxious recording of ours so maybe my dream will come true and we,ll get to drag these files to the garbage can, or „Poop Bowl„ as it,s labeled on my desktop, and they,ll disappear forever. More bands should do that. Write and record songs and make sure that nobody ever hears the messes they,ve made.

Goo

I have been treating myself so poorly lately. I ran out of food stamps a few weeks ago and they just refilled this morning so I didn,t have any real food in my home for a little while. I didn,t even have the proper condiments to make the things that I did have (rice) taste good (soy sauce). It was a rough few days. I was living on cold water and long naps.

I just got back from the grocery store and I went wild. I spent one hundred dollars. It was great. The best part is that I still feel like I don,t have any food. My refrigerator is somehow still very empty. I guess that means that I only buy dry food, but it,s still a bummer to have spent over half of my monthly food allotment and open the fridge to find a piece of broccoli and some tortillas.

Aphex Twin - Come To Daddy Instead of eating, I have been watching a cooking show that I used to watch when I was a kid. It,s about this ridiculous, ugly British guy who loves sliding down banisters and having really wet lips. He,s gross and really loud and he,s always throwing stuff around so I should definitely hate him. I don,t though. I,m not sure what it is about him that makes me not want to die, but he has that indefinable quality. He is a shining example.

I think my Death Cab For Cutie cover band finally finished our dumb record yesterday. We haven,t really been working on it for the past month or so. It,s just been our friend who recorded it sending me mixes and me telling him, ,, No dude, this isn,t good enough. You need to make it sound like we know how to play our instruments and write songs. Try again. Try harder.,, He came through in the end, though. I,m guessing that he just rewrote and rerecorded the entire thing, but as long as we get the credit for it, I,m happy.