Soothing

A guy said that he was going to sue me yesterday. Is suing the same thing as a lawsuit? He said that he was going to lawsuit me. He was mad because I wouldn,t give him a refund for the dumb stuff he bought. It,s not my fault you bought dumb stuff, dude. Maybe you should stop being into stuff that sucks and then you won,t want to return it later. Also, learn to read.

He called my work and asked for a refund for the stupid stuff he bought and when I told him that he couldn,t have one, his voice got really low and he tried to act really serious and said something like, ,,I just think you should know, I have already successfully brought about a ten million dollar federal lawsuit before and I will not hesitate to do it again.,, I had to hold it together and not scream-laugh in his ugly ear because everything I do on the phone gets recorded, but I wanted to. He then told me about how I was going to get fired and that he was going to garner my wages. He had it all figured out. 

Earn - Hell On Earth

Obviously, he was out of his mind and probably really ugly and covered in crumbs. I didn,t hear any crumbs when I was on the phone with him, but you can sometimes tell how many crumbs a person has on their body by the weird stuff they say and how they say it. I,m guessing that he had a lot of crumbs on himself that he didn,t even know about. Those crumbs had been there for days. You never think to check the back of your neck for crumbs, but sometimes they,re there. That,s where his crumbs were. They were from a hot dog bun. 

Taking A Shower

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I celebrated by washing my smelly clothes and watching a movie I didn,t like. I also had diarrhea and took a nap. I did those two things separately. It was a pretty good holiday. I didn,t poop the bed.

I have had diarrhea pretty steadily for the past week or so. I,m not sick or anything. I have just had a crazy diet recently. I haven,t really been eating anything other than mandarins and bread. I have a gnarly cut in my mouth so eating anything hurts, but mandarins and bread are delicious enough for me to fight through the pain. My poop make it look like I have been eating nothing but lizard skins.

Mirror To Mirror - Here You Leave Today That ugly cop didn,t get in trouble for killing the kid. That was a bummer. Maybe he,ll get HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. That will be his punishment. That would only be a good punishment if he wasn,t allowed to take medicine. That is a very specific, weird punishment, but that,s what he gets for not having to go to prison.

I had to go to the store last night to get laundry detergent and apparently Black Friday now begins Thursday evening and every single person in the store had at least one gigantic television in their shopping cart. It was very bizarre. I felt like I was going to get in trouble for not buying one. I didn,t get in trouble though. They didn,t care about me at all.

New Shoes

It,s finally the best time of year. Mandarin season started the other day and it is cold enough for me to use my space heater. Those are the only two things I care about this world, but strangely, combining the two isn,t great. Hot mandarins taste like deer pee. A lot of things taste like deer pee.

I have been eating a ton of eggs lately and it,s making my farts smell like the inside of a coffin. I would hate to buried alive for that reason more than any other. I would be forced to lie uncomfortably in a very small, completely enclosed space while I fart myself to death. That is the ultimate torture. My farts are a weapon unparalleled.

1958-2009 - 1958-2009 LP But enough about me. I think my Death Cab For Cutie cover band will be a real band soon. We,re shortening the band name to just Death Cab For Cutie. I think it will help us with getting press. A date has been tentatively set for the release of the forty minutes of wet trash that we recorded earlier this year so that,s nice. I guess having a record out will be cool, but it won,t be that cool when the people who put it out get mad at us when nobody buys it. Whatever. That,s their fault for believing in us.

My left ear has been kind of clogged or something for a long time. I don,t know what to do about it. That,s not true. The thing to do is go to the doctor. What I meant to say is that I don,t know what I,m going to do about it. I definitely can,t afford going to a doctor. Maybe I,ll just sharpen a chopstick and set it in my ear and then fall over and land on it with the full weight of my body and hope for the best. That,s what the ancients used to do.

Not One Bit

Whoops. I try to write four of these dumb things each month, but I guess I only wrote three last month. I will go ahead and blame that on being busy, but it,s not really true. I,ve only been busy this week and this week has been in this month, not last month, so I have no excuse. I,m just lazy and forgetful and my life is so uneventful and uninteresting that it,s really, really hard to think of trash to write about on here four times each month.

I was supposed to write about Halloween after it happened, but that would have been this month anyway since Halloween only lasts for the very last second of October. During that last second of October, I went to a terrible bar filled with terrible people who looked terrible. They were covered in dirt and fake hair and there were so many of them. I went there with friends and they all got up at the same time to go do whatever people who go to bars like to do and I was left sitting by myself at a table in an incredibly crowded bar on Halloween. That,s when one of my coworkers came in and noticed me.

Color Dream - Darkslide On The Moon He approached me and asked me what I was looking at. I guess I was staring longingly at a dark corner where extra tables were stacked. I told him that I didn,t know what I was looking at. He looked kind of sad and concerned for a second and then he asked me if I was there by myself. I could tell by his tone that he was worried about me. He was worried about me in the way that anybody who saw somebody sitting by themselves at a table in a crowded bar on Halloween would be worried. He was worried about what terrible things I must have been plotting. He was worried about what I would do to myself once I got home.

I wasn,t wearing a costume. I was just sitting there - silent, without a drink, without any food, without any company. I was sitting and staring at a stack of extra tables in the corner of the bar. The tables were small and circular. One was standing normally and another was upside down on top of it. This meant that the bottom of the table on top was visible for all to see. It was covered in gum. There were so many pieces of chewed gum stuck to it. I have only ever seen more chewed gum in one place one other time. It was by the ocean.