Living By Yourself

I went to Los Angeles the other day. That was a long drive. I drove a thousand miles. I don,t live a thousand miled away from Los Angeles, though. I mean that I drove that much all together. When I got there I stayed in a rich person,s house for free. That was pretty nice. The pillows were really squishy and the blankets weighed a lot. I guess that,s what rich people like - soft, heavy stuff.

There were a lot of political signs and stickers in the neighborhood. There were also a lot of people who liked to ride surfboards while holding kites. There were also a lot of oceans. There was only one ocean, but that,s a lot more than I usually see. It was a pretty big ocean.

I could see a bunch of ships in it. They were all cruise ships, but some of them were the kind of cruise ships that are covered in shipping containers. Those are the working cruise ships. You have to not understand English very well to go on those. You also have to wear dirty clothes and have hairy muscles. They are very exclusive.

Porteur - LKBK I ate a lot of expensive food there. Some of it was very good and some of it was bad and all of it was expensive. I noticed a strangely high proportion of couples consisting of ,,pretty,, girls and weirdo, ugly, fat guys. I guess that,s what,s in now. Weirdo ugly guys are having a ball down south. They,re going crazy and hanging out with gap-toothed Urban Outfitters models who are only familiar with books that they were assigned in school.

There was a bunch of bad wind on the other side of the country yesterday. I mailed a postcard to a friend of mine who lives over there a few days ago and if the wind messed up its delivery, this will be the first natural disaster that has directly affected me. I hope the postcard is safe. I hope it,s dry and comfortable and pressed between two sexy letters right now.

Vegetable Medley

I live in California and right now everybody here is pretending that they like baseball. This means that anywhere there is a television, people are screaming and yelling and clapping and wearing hats at nights. It,s all very bizarre and make believe to me. Last night some of my neighbors were yelling mean, taunting things at the television. I bet they know that the people they see on the screen can,t hear them very well. I wonder why they still yell. Maybe they ignore their conscience when they do it. They sort of seem like the kind of people to do that based on their extremely long t-shirts and denim shorts that look like weird tubes. They dress like sixth graders in the nineties who all have older brothers who smoke cigarette butts that they find on the ground. 

The other night my Death Cab For Cutie cover band played a show in a big room to one person and that one person was friends with us so we played to zero strangers. I guess that,s not totally true. There was also a guy in the room who was packing stuff up and trying to leave. He must have heard some of the noises we were making. I don,t think he wanted to though, so I won,t count him.

Charlie Byrd - Mr. Guitar I drove over an hour to get to that stupid show. It was at a bar in a small town on a Sunday night - the perfect storm. I was talking to a friend of mine outside and a kid  interrupted us to say that his name was Rage. I was embarrassed when he introduced himself. I hope he was too. He said that he used to have a mohawk for a while because he was a punker, but then he cut it out because "I don,t need a label, I,m just me." You,re just you - a kid wearing pajama pants and a stained jacket who calls himself Rage.

Rage didn,t even watch us play. I think I heard him say that he was underage. Whoops. I hope Rage is going to have a happy and safe holiday season. I bet he is going to dress up as a drunk, slightly racist teenager for Halloween. I bet his mom has the jawline and bone structure of an alcoholic. I bet his siblings look like they have only eaten candy their entire lives. 

Straight Edge

I egged houses a couple of times on Halloween when I was a younger. That was fun, but I think it was a little lazy. It doesn,t take that much effort to drive around with your friends and roll down a window and toss a white chicken ball at a place where somebody lives. Everybody does that. There is no mystery or whimsy involved. It,s a proud tradition, but it,s not pushing any boundaries.

If I were younger, or more accurately, if I lived in a neighborhood where I could do stupid stuff without getting beaten up or chased, I would still egg stuff on Halloween, but I would vary it. I like that during one night each year ,,Egg,, is a verb. Language should be time sensitive like that more often. Things should only have certain definitions at specific times. School would be really hard.

Nico Muhly - Drones & Viola
Nico Muhly - Drones & Violin
Nico Muhly - Drones & Piano I would egg people. I wouldn,t throw eggs at people because that still sounds pretty normal. I would walk around with a small cooler full of eggs - some of them in the shell, some of them out of the shell, some of them scrambled, some of them poached, some of them fried, some of them prepared as an omelette. I would carry these eggs with me as I walked around the neighborhood and I would stop children and take their pillowcases or whatever they were using to hold their candy and I would carefully choose what kind of egg I was going to mash into their candy based on their costume. Then I would mash some eggs into their candy.

I think I might go to a rich neighborhood and try that this year. I am going to start cooking the eggs now so they will be ready and potent come Halloween. There should be more craft involved when picking on people. Today,s youth watches The Office and believes that it provides the height of pranking. That,s completely wrong. There is always a smile that accompanies those shenanigans. Pranks should be carried out with extreme malice and contempt. Eggs represent that.

A Bag Of Leaves

I have been writing stuff on this stupid thing for four years. That is very embarrassing. I am going to delete everything as soon as I finish writing this. I,m just kidding. I probably should though because I bet somebody is going to try and use this stuff against me in court someday. Maybe that will work in my advantage and the judge/doctor will think I am a maniac and they,ll let me hang out in a hospital rather than a mean jail.

I think most jails are probably mean except for ones in fancy countries where they let you walk around outside and go to a lake and plant vegetables. I,m pretty scared of getting in trouble and going to jail. It,s mostly because of my leaf-like bone structure. I guess all of the adults, plans worked. They made me afraid to do fun stuff because I could end up in jail. The system kind of works when it comes to weak, boring, well off kids.

Goldmund - Famous Places I think the worst thing about jail would be having to learn to draw pictures in the style that all prisoners do. I would have to draw long, low cars with Hispanic girls sitting on the trunk. I would have to draw those drama masks where one is smiling and one is crying and it says Baby Joker Is Dead in the middle. I would have to only draw clown faces.

Jail is kind of like an art school though. If you get accepted to jail, you learn the art of clown face drawing. I think it skips some stuff like perspective and shading and things like that, but you get to draw a lot of clown faces and pictures of Jesus. That,s not my favorite kind of art, but at least I would be learning a skill that I could put to good use if I ever got out. I guess jail isn,t so bad after all.