Wear Your Glasses

Is it weird to just have one sweaty part when you have two that should be sweaty? You know, like if only one leg is sweating but the other is fine. That seems weird to me. One of my armpits has been sweating while the other has remained dry. I don,t know which armpit I should worry about. It would be cool if they both didn,t sweat, but then I,d probably die from sweat poisoning or my body would just fill up with salt water like a balloon. Obviously I have no idea how the human body works. I just suggested that not sweating would turn your body into a latex balloon. That hasn,t happened in hundreds of years. We are way beyond that.

Old Softy - Wrestling I have health insurance and there is a number I can call to talk to a real live nurse about things whenever I want. Maybe I should call and talk to the nurse about my uneven sweating. I,m pretty sure that I put the same amount of deodorant under each arm flap. Maybe that would throw it off. I,m good about that though. I,ve got a rigid routine that I never deviate from. Maybe I should call the nurse and ask them about Obama.

My smell is very important to me. I have been trying for years to figure out how to remove my smell completely, but I have come to the conclusion that that is impossible. Instead, I just make sure that I smell the same all the time. I have been using the same brands of things that smell for a long time. That,s probably a good first step towards becoming a completely crazy person. I am terrified to do things that might make me smell even a little bit different. I won,t ride in new cars. I won,t be in the same room as girls. I won,t eat foods that contain any spices or seasonings. I won,t celebrate Christmas. I won,t go down water slides. I,m not sure that I,ve ever done anything.

The First Day Of Summear

I have been keeping pretty good track of my poop schedule for quite some time now. I,m not sure how long it,s been. It,s been months. I record almost every single time I poop. I do it digitally. I use my iPod to put that information online as it,s happening. You can track my progress here. I don,t think I have accomplished much by doing this. I have learned that I can follow a pretty tight schedule though. Sometimes I am far away from an internet connection and can,t record the times when something horrible falls out of my body for a few days at a time and I wonder what the weirdos that actively see my poop times think. Do they worry about me? Do they notice that I haven,t recorded a bowel movement in three days? Do they think I am dead or that I got that surgery that makes it so you don,t have to poop anymore?

Sean McCann - Mammoth Mountain I would like that surgery. I would like that surgery to exist. That would be helpful. I would rather there be a surgery that made it so you didn,t have to sneeze. That,s the worst. Sneezing never did anything good for anybody. They are annoying to experience and even more annoying to hear. I hate my body and the things that come out of it. If it were up to me, nobody would have any holes anywhere.

When are they finally going to make it so you can get any surgery that you want? I feel like we as a people should be there already. If I want to be immediately really muscly and cool, I should be able to pay nine hundred dollars and get a quick, painless procedure done that makes me that way. If I want to be a black guy, I should have the option. If I want to have dinosaur spikes, let me have them. I don,t want to say that Obama is to blame, but I don,t really see any other reason why these medical advances haven,t been made yet.

Hot Pepper

I don,t know if it,s like this everywhere, but in the town where I spent the first twenty years of my life there is a county fair every summer and it is filled with absolutely wonderful people. I remember going when I was much younger because rides that make you feel sick are fun and all of the cute girls from school would be wearing the shirts that the teachers said they couldn,t wear because it showed too much of their belly button piercings.

That was a long time ago though. Things have changed. I don,t care about rides anymore because I can drive and that is the coolest ride of all because if I want, I can crash or get really close to crashing because I am very tired and I keep taking micro naps while driving even though you,re not really supposed to do that. There isn,t a ride at any fair in the world that can make me feel as alive as almost smashing into a tree because I fell asleep while driving. Also, I don,t care about looking at girls in ugly clothes anymore because I have a computer and I can shut the door to my bedroom whenever I want.

Cornelius - Point It has been quite a few years since I,ve been there. I have no idea how long. Maybe it,s been ten years. I bet it,s close to ten years. I am old. I bet the fifteen year old me would think I was dumb because I am not even strong or cool or anything and I don,t skateboard anymore so he would think I was a corporate sellout. Little does he know that I am actually just very lazy. Take that, idiot. You,re going to grow up to be a balding, weak, insecure, mean, lazy nerd.

I think I might go to that fair this year. It,s been a kind of long time since somebody has called me a fag and really meant it. I want to see families of Juggalos drinking vodka out of water bottles while buying eleven dollar ICP stickers for their dirty Jeeps. I want to see sixteen year old girls puking because they ate way too many mushrooms. I want to see the scarred gut of a single mother protruding over her belt as she yanks the hand of a her neglected child away from what looks like a stack of rusted metal behind which a one-armed man is standing who is trying to sell oddly sized t-shirts with a yellow cat on them that says ,,Garpheild.,, I want to smell the stink of undercooked chicken and overpriced pizza. I want all of that. Call it nostalgia. Call it stupidity. I want to punish myself for what I have become.

Your New Toy

Today I saw tumbleweeds for the first time or at least the first time that I remember. They were blowing across the road. They were really good at it. None of them got hit. Tumbleweeds are smarter than rabbits. They are also cooler than rabbits because they don,t make messes and nobody has them as pets.

My feet smell bad. That is very unusual for me. My feet normally don,t smell like anything. I blame it on doing physical labor with them. That,ll teach me to do anything ever. So far there have only been negative consequences. My hands are bloody, my feet smell, my brain smells, I have sun poisoning, I have horse poisoning, my legs are weird, my arms feel like milk even though they are red, and I got sand in my eye.

Weezer - Weezer I don,t know what I was thinking by coming here. I guess I didn,t think about it enough. All I do is work on a farm doing tasks that are uninteresting and drive around. I drive around so I won,t go crazy. Yesterday I just sat in the room that I,m staying in for a lot of the day and watched television shows on my computer and felt like a disgusting, wasteful slug. I can do that at home but be more comfortable and bug people that I know. I don,t know anybody here. I probably haven,t said fifty words today. Whatever. Free Wi-Fi, right?

I think the worst part of it all is that there are so many pictures of horses in this room. There are at least four. I think this room was horse picture storage before I got here. Now it,s gross human storage. I,m supposed to be here a month. Real funny, guys. I don,t think so. This place is huge and pretty, but a month is a long time for my feet to smell this bad.