Assuaged

It,s a rare day that I write this trash from a state other than the long one that I call home, but today is one of those days. I,m in a very dry airport right now. I don,t know if it,s dry because it,s in an extremely martian looking desert or because everything that has to do with flying is always super dry. That,s how they like it. Moisture clouds the minds of the pilots. It makes them weak.

I just sat next to one of the most pungent people I have ever been forced to sit next to. It was unreal. I cannot believe that somebody with working senses and a brain would ever douse themselves in so much noxious fume water. What a bad idea. On top of smelling like the inside of a cologne bottle that a fourteen year old bought, he was also drooling hearty mouthfuls of thick, brown slime into an emptied ketchup bottle. He was chewing tobacco leaves and noisily spitting the excess goop into a bottle so he could drink it later.

The Japanese House - Clean Apparently, this airport doesn,t have free Wi-Fi. It,s either that or I,m an idiot and can,t figure out how to make the internet happen. Either way, I,m blasting through my phone,s data to do this. I,m finally putting it to good use. I use so little of it ever month that I feel like I,m just throwing almost the entirety of the money that I use to pay my phone bill in the trash. Not this time, though. This time I,m using the money to pay for data that I,m using right now to write some truly important literature.

I have to wait another hour or so before I get to sit on another plane for a few hours. I think I may try to scour this sad place and look for the cheapest food possible while I wait. I,d love to spend three dollars or less because that is the amount of money that I have with me. I spent my other seven dollars earlier this morning at a different airport. I bought a small bag of grease. I had grease for breakfast.

The First Day Of Wintear

I,m working from home right now and it,s dumb because I don,t like working when I,m at home, but it,s cool because I only have to work for two more hours and then I don,t need to work again for about two weeks. I,m sure I,ll make the most of my time by spending money that I don,t have and napping several times each day to make time go by faster so I can go to bed.

I also plan on looking at several large lizards. I,m going to a part of the country where lizards roam freely and without consequence for a few days. When I,m there I will likely do much of the same thing, except I,ll be near lizards. I will also probably sweat much more than I will at home. That,s what happens when I travel. I sweat.

Worker Bee- Worker Bee I went to a strange party the other night. It was strange because everybody there knew each other except for me. I only knew one person. Everybody was screaming and eating cookies and I didn,t do either of those things. I was super tired and hadn,t eaten that day so I was in a really great mood and I,m sure everybody could tell. I know exactly why people don,t invite me to parties and I absolutely do not blame them. I am the worst.

Christmas is happening in a couple of days. That,ll probably be cool. I usually spend Christmas alone in the dark in my apartment watching a sad movie in silence and if things go the way they will, I,m pretty sure that will be happening again this year. I,m ready for it. I,m ready to bum myself out by watching something terrible happen to somebody in a movie. That,s what Christmas is all about. That,s why Christ was born.

The Delicate Man

I finally got sick. It feels like it,s been so long. I,ve spent the entire year almost being sick and this past week I finally mustered up the courage to really commit and be sick. It wasn,t that fun. I am the weakest, ugliest baby when I get even a little bit congested. Luckily, it gave me a pseudo-legitimate reason to skip work for the first time ever. That was cool. I now understand why people do that sometimes.

I think I,m done being sick now. It lasted for one week. I think that,s fair. I think that,s plenty long to let some weird virus or bacteria or parasite or whatever live inside of my slimy body. I don,t know what I did to kill it. Maybe they just have week-long lifespans. Maybe it was the constant barrage of beautiful orange spheres that I,ve been shoveling into my body. Either way, I am the victor and to the victor go the spoils. I,m not sure what the spoils are in this case. I guess me continuing to live is the spoil.

White Rainbow - New Clouds I got myself a pretty cool Christmas tree the other day. It seemed like it was too early to get a Christmas tree. There are still two weeks until the big day. It looks nice in my apartment, but I was right. The low quality bush that I bought is already turning brown and dropping needles like a blind seamstress. It,s dropping needles and a compass maker with delirium tremens. It,s dropping needles like a cheap Christmas tree that is in my living room.

My Death Cab For Cutie cover band finished making our record a little while ago and we sent it to the record label for their approval and they haven,t said a word. It,s been over a week. I think they,re probably just trying to come up with the nicest way to tell us that they want nothing to do with it, but I don,t think it should take that long. All they need to say is, ,,Sorry, but we want nothing to do with it.,, That,s the nicest way to say it.

Back

I finally got into a car accident the other day. It wasn,t that fun. It wasn,t that fun because I,ll probably have to buy a new car even sooner than I thought because of it and I,ll probably have to pay more for insurance every six months. Also, the inside of my car is now filling up with what smells like poisonous gas every time I drive anywhere. Maybe I,ll just drive my car into a river and get a moped. That seems like the sensible thing to do.

I think the car accident was my punishment for being so gluttonous during Thanksgiving. The punishment fit the crime. I will continue to be a hog and I will continue to smash into cars that don,t belong to me. That is the circle of life and I have no intention of deviating.

Floating Points - Elaenia To celebrate my misfortune, I have been spending an incredible amount of money the past few days. Christmas will be here in just a few short weeks and it,s my job to trick everybody I know into talking to me for another year so I have to buy them things and things cost so much money. I figure that I might as well spend it now before I have to empty my bank account when my insurance goes up.

To celebrate even more, I think I,m going to buy a real, old fashioned Christmas style tree and watch it die in my living room over the next month. That sounds fun. Hopefully it,ll be carrying a bunch of spider nests and the thousands of eggs will hatch just in time to ruin the world,s most famous birthday.

Returning To The Same Place

I,m pretty certain that my Death Cab For Cutie cover band will finally be finished with this dumb record this week. We gave ourselves two weeks to do it and it,s only taken four so far. Not bad. We have had a few days off, but not many. I can,t wait to have the label tell us that they don,t like it and they,re not going to put it out or pay for it. That,ll be a fun holiday surprise.

Speaking of holidays, I,m baking a pie right this very minute. Tomorrow is the big day. It,s the day where people eat the worst of all circular foods - pies. I don,t like or eat pies because I,m not a heathen, but I will be spending the day with those who do so I figured I,d do the right thing and make them a gross, brown circle to consume. Also, I think I might be good at making these brown circles and I like it when I can impress families. I don,t know for sure, though. I have never tasted one of my own creations. Like I said, I am not a heathen.

Arthur Russell - Another Thought Speaking of holidays again, it,s mandarin season. The most holy season of the year. I have eaten quite a normal amount of mandarins for this time of year. That means that I,m pretty close to finishing my first ten pound bag that I got a few days ago. This year,s haul is exceptional. I am very impressed. I hope to get at least seventy more pounds in and out of my body before the season ends. It,s a lofty, but completely realistic goal as long as I stay focused.

I have been eating nothing but mandarins and Indian food for the past few days. The mandarins are self explanatory, but the Indian slop is new for me. My dear friend recently procured a nice little book full of recipes involving way too many ingredients and words that I will never pronounce correctly. While sneakily looking through it when his back was turned, I found one that looked almost manageable for somebody of my limited ability and intelligence so I took a blurry picture of the recipe and tried to make it for myself. Miraculously, it came out looking and tasting edible so obviously, I tried it again the next and to my surprise, it worked out again. My turds hate me and I hate them.

Unfettered

My Death Cab For Cutie cover band has been recording every day for the past eight days. It,s wild. We have never done anything even close to resembling work and now we,ve been kind of working for a few hours each day for the past week. What an incredible change. What an unprecedented amount of effort on our part.

I had to pretend to know how to sing for the past two days. Luckily, there is a little thing called computers that can take my ugly warbling and magically turn it into smooth crooning. I tried my best and failed terribly. It was exactly what I expected to happen so I,m not too upset about it. The end result should sound like a bunch of robots anyway so it will be fine.

Young Thug - Slime Season 2 What,s not fine is my body. I ruined it yesterday. I am way too old to be shouting and yelping like a nubile weirdo. I,m a weak, ailing weirdo. I need to tone it down. My throat feels like wet cement and I think I pulled every muscle in my eyes and back. I didn,t know that I had muscles in my eyes and I get I still don,t know for sure, but it definitely feels like I pulled an eye yesterday. It,s not great.

What is great is that we,re almost done making this mess. I mean, I guess we are done making this mess. Now it,s up to the magic of computers and underpaid friends who know how to use those computers to make it as listenable as possible. We poorly did our part and now the world has to clean up after us.

Very Good Luck

My days have been so confusing recently. I get up early and go to work and nothing happens there because it,s so slow. The other day I didn,t get a phone call for six hours. It was wild. I thought I was the only person alive. I didn,t move at all.

After work, I go home and eat something and go to bed at around four. Then I wake up an hour or two later and because my Death Cab For Cutie cover band is making a new album right now, I go record for a few hours and end up going to bed way later than I normally do. It feels like every day is actually two days. My work week has already been four days and it,s only Tuesday.

Oneohtrix Point Never - Garden Of Delete I don,t know what,s going on. For some reason, recording is making me extremely tired. We started on Halloween and we finished at around seven and I fell asleep at eight. That,s insanely early even for me. The same thing happened the next night. I think my body hates recording. I know it hates loud sounds. Maybe it,s punishing me by shutting down earlier and earlier each day. The punishment fits the crime.

Luckily, I haven,t gotten sick like I thought I was going to. I feel like I,m dancing on the cusp, though. I love that cusp. That,s where I spend almost all of my time. I don,t feel sick, but my farts smell like I,m sick. I,m worried that I,m going to get in trouble for damaging company property because I keep farting in my chair at work and it smells so bad that it,s starting to discolor the material.

Swishing

I am so scared of getting sick right. My Death Cab For Cutie cover band has to record a new album in a few days and if I get sick, I will ruin everything. If I get sick, I won,t be able to hear because I'll be terribly congested. I,ll be super uncomfortable so I,ll just want to get everything done as quickly as possible so it,ll I won,t care about how bad everything is. I,ll be irritable and fussy so I,ll make everybody,s job harder. If I get sick, I,m just going to quit playing music. It,s the only appropriate response.

For how worried I am about getting sick, I sure don,t do much to prevent it. I eat a vitamin each day. That,s eat. I eat a vitamin and pretend that it counteracts my terrible bread and cheese diet. I really have been eating only bread and cheese lately. I,ve eaten pizza the past four days which is both gross and cool. Some of the pizza was exceptionally great and some was embarrassingly bad. I loved every bite.

Pregnant Women - Glistening The best part was when I bought a trash pizza and then dipped the entire thing in delicious, molten cheese sauce. That was an unheard of level of decadence that I never thought possible. It was incredible. Unfortunately, because my blood has now been replaced with melted cheese, I am probably going to get sick and ruin everything not only for myself, but for several other people.

What are people supposed to do when they don,t want to get sick other than eat healthy and get enough rest? I generally get enough rest. I go to bed as early as most seventy year olds. I eat those vitamins I mentioned earlier. I had a piece of broccoli last week. What else does my body want from me? I,m only one person. I can,t be expected to take care of an entire living person who is also me.

Breakfast For Lunch

My Death Cab For Cutie cover band is recording another dumb record in a couple of weeks and we played a dumb show the other night. We usually try to learn the songs we,re going to play before a show, but not this time. We hadn,t practiced them at all because we,re too busy trying to learn how to play the songs we have to record so it was a fun show.

It was nice to go from getting paid to play for zero people on a huge stage to getting paid nothing to play for a handful of people on a tiny stage. It just goes to show that music is stupid and not worth the effort or money it takes to do it. It is an incredible waste and I am an irrevocable fool for participating in any of it.

Steve Hauschildt - Where All Is Fled It was a surprisingly fun show to play, though. Our friends were hanging out and we didn,t care about how bad we sounded and we wiggled jubilantly. I think that,s what made it so fun - the wiggling. I mean, we generally wiggle while playing, but this time the wiggling was just right. Not to hot, not too cold.

Our last album took us six months to make. We are only giving ourselves two weeks to do this one so it will probably turn out way better (unlikely) or way, way worse (probably). It doesn,t really matter that much to me, though. We,re not paying for it. Now that we,re rock stars, we,ve got somebody else footing the bill. They are going to be so mad when we send them a bunch of trash.

Balsamic Reduction

I can,t believe how much Indian food I have been eating recently. It,s unreal. I guess it,s probably not that unreal to most people, especially Indian people, but it,s unreal for me. I used to really dislike Indian food and now all I ever do is wish that it was cheaper so I could eat it more often.

I ate it twice last week. Actually, I ate it three times. Once for dinner. Then I had leftovers the next day for lunch (still counts as another meal). Then I had it for lunch a few days later. That last one was intense. I ate so much colorful slop. What a treat. I love punishing my body. I love the feel of spices exiting my meaty vessel.

Oneohtrix Point Never - Drawn And Quartered I thought about trying to learn how to make some myself because I figured that would be cheaper than going to a restaurant because that,s how food always works, but I looked up a recipe for something I wanted to make and it had thirty ingredients and I only had five of them so I decided that I am much too lazy for that kind of undertaking right now.

There is no way I,m going to go to a specialty grocery store and buy a bunch of stuff and get frustrated while cooking and have it end up terrible. That,s not what I want right now. What I want is for Indian food to be cheaper so I could eat it more often. If I keep wanting that, it might happen someday. That,s my attitude.

It Is Getting Old

The moon was weird that other night. That was kind of cool. It looked like it was sick or dying. Is the moon dying? I wonder how long it,s going to take before the moon gets sick of being constantly one upped by basically every other planet and star. Whenever that happens, things are going to get bad. Either the moon is going to smash into the earth or it,s going to go find some other planet to swirl around. Either way, there will be some serious consequences.

If it decides to smash into us, then we will all die. That one is pretty easy. That,s probably the simplest way for the moon to retaliate. It would most certainly by a Pyrrhic victory for the moon. There is no way it is making it out of there alive either.

William Basinski - The Deluge If the moon just decides to go to another less popular planet, then the ocean would explode or dry up or something. I,m not exactly sure what the moon does to water, but I think it,s something important. Does the moon create water? Is that was rain is, moon juice? I don,t know. I may have graduated college with honors, but I sure don,t know anything useful.

Cotton

That festival that my Death Cab For Cutie cover band played the other day was out of control. We played on such a huge, loud stage to so few people. Also, we did a pretty bad job. That was cool. At least nobody saw us. That,s not true. Six people watched us from the mud and several workers were required to be within earshot of us. I felt bad for them all.

Apparently, the festival wasn,t allowing anybody inside until we were almost finished playing. I understand where they were coming from. They wanted to protect the festival goers and spare them from our subpar performance. I think that,s commendable. They did the right thing.

Pole - Wald This meant we made noise for thirty minutes while looking at three of our friends who had somehow managed to sneak in and a large muddy field. They had sprayed some kind of semi-toxic liquid all over the ground right before we played. It was dark red and viscous. It may have been used motor oil. The fumes were severe and everybody in attendance complained of searing headaches and temporary blindness. I guess they did it to raise awareness or something.

After we played, I got to eat a bunch of weird hamburgers for free. I also got a haircut. There was a tent full of maniacs cutting people,s hair. I was sweating and encrusted with salt, but some nerd still managed to chop my hairs off. It was not a great experience. I think I,ll continue to mess up my own hair, thank you very much.

At The Same Time

I have to go to a big, filthy music festival this weekend. My Death Cab For Cutie cover band is playing. I wouldn,t be going otherwise. There is no way I,d pay one hundred dollars to be surrounded by loud people in t-shirts who I don,t like or respect. I wouldn,t even do that if it only cost ten dollars.

Luckily, it costs negative dollars. That means that we tricked those big wigs into giving us money to suffer in the dirt and heat for a day. What a bunch of generous fools. I can,t understand why they let us do this. There is no way we are going to make them any money. They,re losing a ton of money because of us.

DJ Richard - Grind Maybe they know that. Maybe that,s why they,re making us play at the absolute worst possible time. We play on a Sunday morning. Everybody is going to be in church while we play. It,ll be pretty bizarre to play on a weird stage during the day to nobody. We usually play in a small room at night to nobody. At least one of the three variables will be the same. That,ll make it a little more comfortable.

I,m most excited about getting free food there. I assume that there is going to be free food for bands. I imagine it as a sort of trough system. All the bands line up and feed from the trough or ,,long bucket,, as they call it. I can,t wait to sneeze on everything.

Extra Hair

This is a bizarre week. I just had to pay a bunch of weird bills all at once so I am completely out of money. That,s not that weird. That happens kind of regularly. What,s weird is that I didn,t work on Monday so I am constantly confused about what day, time, and month it is.

I have a carton of rotten eggs in my refrigerator and I almost ate all twelve of them last night because I didn,t know what month it was. I almost died. This is just one of the many, many times where my lack of knowledge has almost killed me. To be fair though, I think that is the only real cause of death. If you knew everything, you,d probably never die. If you knew everything, you,d probably want to die more than anybody else. That,s the trade off.

Giraffage - No Reason I haven,t been able to sleep recently. What a lie. I have been able to sleep, but not very well. It,s too hot and when it,s too hot, my brain juices boil and I can,t sleep because the juice fumes stink. I try to point a fan at my face to blow the stench away from me, and that kind of works, but I wake up shortly after falling asleep because the fan dries out the inside of my nose so much that my boogers turn into razor sharp crystals and cut my nostrils and blood gets everywhere. I,ve been sleeping in the bathtub because cleanup is easier that way.

First Days

I,m on hold right now. I had to call my dumb internet company because my bill doubled this month and I am too poor and stubborn to pay it. Hopefully, I can be a greasy baby and they,ll lower my bill to what it once was. This is actually the third time I,ve been on hold. I called last week and they said that there weren,t any cool deals that would make my bill super cheap so I should call back this week and try again. That,s what I,m doing right now.

I called a few minutes ago and went through the robot menu and then it hung up so I called back. I think it just hung up again a second ago. I don,t know. I can,t tell. I,m still on the line, but it,s silent. Maybe they,re waiting for me to make the first move. I just yelled, ,,Hey dummy,,, but I didn,t get a response which means that I basically just called myself a dummy and now the internet is laughing all the way to the bank.

I,m going to hang up and try once more. It,s very annoying, but at least it,s giving me something to write about. I wouldn,t have known what to do without all of this calling and holding and talking to robots. I wonder if the guy who recorded all of this automated menu stuff got paid a lot. I wonder if he,s dead. I wonder if he ever had to call about his bill being too high and had to listen to his own voice and talk to himself.

Let,s see if it hangs up again. It made the hang up noise, but this time the recording is still rambling incoherently. I think that,s a good sign. I guess we,ll see. It said that it was super busy right now so I may have to wait a while. Maybe I,ll just keep writing about what,s happening. That,s going to be rough if anybody every picks up on their end, though. I have a tough time talking and typing simultaneously. Also, I,m listening to music and I,m on speakerphone. This is going to be their worst call of the day.

Toro Y Moi - Samantha I should know better since I basically have the same job. I answer idiots, phone calls and tell them how to do things so simple that it is an incredible embarrassment to us both. I don,t know better, though. I am who I hate the most in this world.

Even though I,m just sitting here and waiting for some goon to make my internet bill lower, I feel like I,m doing a lot. I,m doing a lot of things that are very passive all at the same time. My clothes are being washed by a machine, I,m proofing some dough so I can eat a loaf of bread for dinner, I,m writing, I,m getting my internet bill taken care of, I,m listening to music, and I,m about to take a sip of water. Ahh, that was refreshing. I hope to the good Lord that nobody bothers reading this. This is likely the worst thing I have ever written.

I,m still on hold. The worst part is that I,m listening to music and there is hold music so both songs are ruined. I wish I could make a living making hold music. That reminds me, I wanted to make myself a new ringtone today. Maybe I can do that while I,m on hold and writing. Let,s find out.

I was making a little ditty to use as a ringtone after being on hold for twenty minutes and a goon picked up and yelled at me for a minute and then went to transfer the call and it hung up. They win this round.

Seeing Important Things

I got extremely sick for a few hours yesterday. It was really bizarre. I have never experienced anything like it before. I woke up feeling fine and ate a weird breakfast and four or five hours later I developed a splendid headache and a sparkling swirl of nauseousness. It was truly exquisite.

I took a nap way too late in the day because I figured that sleeping was the cure. It wasn,t though. I felt even worse when I woke up so I went back to sleep. When I woke up again, I was confused because it was dark and it felt like my eyes were boiling.

MCFERRDOG - Lawd Forgive Me I made a nice dinner and threw it away because the sight of it made me want to die. I put a block of ice on my head even though I didn,t have a fever because that,s what I normally do when I,m sick. It didn,t help at all. I was inches away from death so I decided to slime my way into bed so I could die with a pillow under my head.

I blacked out and regained consciousness in the wee hours of the morning. I stood up expecting to fall to my knees from the searing brain pain, but I didn,t. I felt completely fine. Had I just dreamed it all? Was my short-lived illness real? Was I real? Am I dead right now?

A Constant Stream

Until extremely recently, I had never ordered food and had it delivered to my home. It doesn,t make sense to me. I,m not going to pay for food and then pay for somebody to bring it to me when I have a car. Even if they don,t charge you to bring it to you, I,m not going to wait forty-five minutes for some goon to shake it up and drive it to me. I can do that myself way faster.

All of that changed this past week, though. Somebody told me that some deli was going to be giving away unlimited free sandwiches all weekend as long as you had them delivered to you which was also free. It sounded insane and it was. I have eaten so many free sandwiches in the past four days. It has been incredible. I just ordered one and put it in the refrigerator because I,m not even hungry and as soon as I did that I thought, ,,I,m going to have to eat again at some point tomorrow. I had better order another sandwich,,, so that is exactly what I did. I,ve got another on the way right now. I am in love with free food. 

Mac DeMarco - Some Other Ones Yesterday I worked at a big music festival. It was gross. The people were gross. The blonde dreadlocks were gross. The sun was gross. The dust that is still deep in my lungs was gross. It was all gross, but sometimes being gross pays the bills and I,ve got several bills that like being paid. 

I think my eyes got sunburned. They kind of itch and hurt today. Also, I think I got sun poisoning. I don,t know if that,s actually a thing, but I was in the sun so much yesterday that I now feel like I,m sick. I think it,s the sun,s fault. I guess it could be my fault for only eating sandwiches, but sandwiches are good for you. I don,t think the sandwiches would do me wrong like that. 

Singing To Yourself

I just drove to an antique fair and drove back home. There were so many old people. I don,t know what I expected. It,s an antique fair. The only demographic is the elderly. I guess I just had no idea how many old people there were. There were hundreds and hundreds of them. They were bent in half and slowly stumbling across every intersection and they were quivering on every sidewalk. It was too much for me to take so I left. I,ll go back later at one or two once they,re all asleep.

I think it,d be nice to meet my future spouse at an antique fair. Nobody would believe us when we,d tell them how we met. ,,Well, I was laughing at the price tag on a mirror because who in the world would pay over twelve dollars for a piece glass that shows a picture of an ugly ghoul whenever you look at it? After I caught my breath from running away because I had dropped and smashed the mirror, a beautiful lady asked me if I was alright. I looked up and saw her face and she was under fifty and the rest is history.,,

AFX - Orphaned Deejay Selek 2006-08 Another good place to meet a future spouse would be through Yelp. That would probably be the most embarrassing. You,d have to tell people that you saw her review of a restaurant you were thinking of going to with your current significant other and it was so scathing that not only did you not go to the restaurant, but you did not see your lover ever again. You spent the next eighteen months scouring Yelp for other reviews written by the angry beauty. You found one positive review of a coffee shop that,s eighty miles from where you live. You wake up three hours earlier than usual every day and drive there to have breakfast and maybe see here. After two years, the effort pays off. She comes into the coffee shop and she marries you on the spot.

For A Little While

I slept on my couch last night because it was grossly hot and the air conditioner is in my living room. This means that my bedroom was a sweltering stink oven and I tried lying down in there only to find myself in a puddle of my own fluids just minutes later. There was no way I was going to sleep in a puddle. My puddle sleeping days are long over. I,m a grownup. I don,t have to stand for that so I didn,t. I dragged my skeletal form from my sopping bed onto my filthy couch and basked in the quiet cool.

I don,t have a big home so the living room got pretty cold very quickly. I woke up in the middle of the night shivering. I loved it. That,s something I,d like to experience every night. I,m sure it,s not good for me. Going from broiling hot to bone-shakingly cold in a matter of an hour can,t be healthy, but I don,t care. It didn,t kill me and I swear I could almost see my breath this morning.

Portable Sunsets - Bless I cut my hair the other night and did a pretty bad job. The haircut is sort of alright, but I cut my hair with a four inch razor and I was rushing through the process because cutting your own hair is stupid and I gave myself a nice little slice on the thumb. That was the bad job. I feel like I haven,t cut myself in years. More specifically, I feel like I haven,t needed to use a bandage in years. I did this time, though.

My ugly thumb would,t stop bleeding so I slopped some weird goop on it and taped it up. Luckily, I don,t have any human bandages in my home so I had to use brightly colored children.s bandages that had pictures of dinosaurs on them and said things like ,,Silly,, and ,,Rock.,, I think the one with the dinosaurs made me stronger and the one that said ,,Rock,, made me cooler.

Two Small Problems

One of my fingers started twitching yesterday and it,s very annoying. Then, I woke up this morning and that finger was still twitching and the thumb on my other hand was as well. I don,t exactly what that means, but I think it means that I,m going to die. All things lead to death. There is no stopping it. Also, I have been sniffing all morning. These symptoms are strange and scattered all over my withered body. I am certainly going to die some day.

You,d think I,d be used to not having any money by now since I am always poor, but I,m not. I,m still shocked that as soon as I get my paychecks, I use them to buy flour and rice and beans and potatoes and pay my bills and then I only have eight dollars to last me for two weeks until I do it all over again. I guess that means that I am not only stupid, but also dumb. I never learn and that is another reason I am certainly going to die some day.

White Reaper - White Reaper Does It Again I bought a second pair of glasses so I will now be able to wear them while I am at home and maybe not go blind so quickly. Currently, my only pair of glasses is at work because I would definitely be blind by now if I didn,t wear them while staring at the overwhelmingly huge, bright, and intense screen that sits just inches in front of my sweating face. That,s what I spent my extra eight dollars on last week - glasses. If they don,t work, I am certainly going to die some day.

Getting To Know

I shaved for the first time in ten years today. I don,t mean to say I had a big Civil War beard or anything. I would trim my gross hair to the point where it was extremely short very regularly, but I haven,t touched a razor blade to my delicate skin since before it was legal for me to eat cigarettes. That was a long stretch and I immediately remembered why I didn,t shave the moment I started this morning. It was not fun at all.

For reasons that I do not completely understand, I have been considering doing things that I haven,t done in a really long time lately. First, I was considering using text messaging. I haven,t done that yet. That,s a scary one. I,ve also been considering getting a human sized bed. I also haven,t done that yet because I,m not a millionaire. I did succumb to the allure of having no hair on my face, though.

LA Priest - Inji I even went out and spent an incredible amount of money for somebody as poor as I am on one of those old silver razors that you have to put a single razor blade in because I heard that those are nicer and cheaper in the long run than whatever yellow razors that people buy at gas stations. The joke was on me, though. I dragged that overwhelmingly thin and sharp blade across my tender cheek almost twelve hours ago and my face still feels like I just scrubbed it with grip tape.

It may very well be that I had no idea what I was doing because I absolutely didn,t, but I don,t care. I was hoping that shaving would be easy now that I,m a real adult. It,s not easy. It,s stupid and painful and now my face smells like a locker room because for some reason, the people who make shaving cream think it,s a good idea to add some concentrated fragrance that stinks like an eighth grader. I regret everything I have ever done.

Filling Up

It,s been so slow at work recently. I love it and I hate it but I mostly love it. Yesterday, the phones stopped working for about six hours. That was really nice. It was really nice because that meant that nobody could call me and yell at me and people have been doing that more than normal recently. I,m thankful for faulty technology.

I don,t use text messages because I,m a maniac, but recently I,ve been playing with the idea of starting to use them. I am very stubborn and I have spent so many years being in recalcitrant opposition to texting. I don,t know what would happen if I started to do it. Everybody who knows me knows that I don,t send or receive texts.

Nicolas Jaar - Space Is Only Noise Realistically, nothing would happen if I started to use text messages. People still wouldn,t try to contact me and I would still avoid contacting others. I would have the ability, but I would not have the interest. Sure, I could send you a text message, but I wouldn,t because I don,t want to talk to you. Sure, you could send me one, but why would you? You have nothing to say to me. You don,t talk to me now, why would that change suddenly?

Unrealistically, my whole life would fall apart. My phone would be flooded with hundreds of bizarre, misspelled, cryptic phrases from numbers I didn,t recognize. People I have been actively avoiding for the past ten years would send me pictures of their ugly, bloated children. I would never stop looking at my telephone. I would quickly become addicted to the constant stream of useless words. I would die within six months.

Waiting To Do Something

I have eaten nothing but beans for the past two weeks. I was hoping that my body would have been able to adjust by now, but it certainly has not. I spend all day at work holding in farts and after I get home, I spend the rest of the day slinging gnarly turds into the bowl like my colon was one of those water balloon launchers. It,s extremely violent and there is a lot of splash back.

I don,t know why I thought that my body would be able to handle a change like this. I have spent my entire adult life eating nothing but bread and potatoes and out of nowhere I threw a ton of beans into the mix. What was I expecting to happen? My innards are in the middle of a riot and I am the dictator that they are trying to overthrow. I don,t blame them at all.

Rich Gang - Tha Tour Part 1 I,m stupid and don,t learn so I tried to make another severe change involving my body yesterday. I have used the same deodorant for fifty years because pretty people regularly tell me that I smell good. I think some of it comes from being so pretty that other people,s brains aren,t able to process it all visually so their brain moves some of that information to the sniff center of their think machine so it seems like I smell better than I actually do because I,m so good looking. Still, I have been weary of changing anything about the way I smell.

Like the dope that I am, I bought a cube made out of salt and started rubbing it on my armpits. So far, the results aren,t great. I haven,t broken out in any terrifying rashes just yet, but I don,t think I smell as good as I did a few days ago. My body is so mad at me. I am being so mean to it. I would,t be surprised if it killed me soon.

Stomach Ache

I went to a weird thing the other night. People kept saying it was a techno party. I don,t know what that means, and it does,t really seem like an appropriate term for the event, but whatever. I guess there was techno blaring, but it certainly was not a party. Parties are supposed to be fun and visible. This was bizarre and it was almost impossible to see.

It was at a Mexican restaurant that I had never been to before. All of the lights were off except for industrial strength lasers that were aimed directly at eye level. Also, the entire building was filled with a thick, noxious smoke. I don,t know if that is normal for that particular restaurant, maybe that,s part of their deal - you eat tamales while shrouded in mysterious gas, but it made seeing anything other than the dangerous lasers extremely difficult.

New Edition - New Edition Occasionally, I would see a bewildered, sweating form emerge from the churning sea of smoke and struggle for breath before quickly disappearing back into the abyss. It was terrifying. I have no idea how many people were in there with me. I have no idea how many of them died.

I didn,t stay at the techno party very long. It was all a bit too loud and disorienting for me. I groped around for a little while and found a broken piano that I tried to play to steady my nerves, but that proved to be ineffective. In the distance, I saw the faint outline of an open door and I rushed to it. Outside, the air was wet and clean. I am still coughing up worryingly colored phlegm.

Making Things Up

I used to think that I liked flying, but that was during a very long period of my life when I didn,t fly. I probably went ten years without being on a plane and for some reason I got it into my ugly brain that being on a plane was cool. I mean, I bet it,s pretty cool if you,re the only person on there. I still want to fly on a private jet and pretend that I,m not poor someday, but flying on a normal plane surrounded by hideous, yelling dopes is not enjoyable at all.

I was just on a plane the other day. Actually, I was on two planes. The first was sort of small and the man sitting directly in front of me had a head that was sweating like a cold glass of milk that was left out on a kitchen table in August. It was gross. Salty beads ran down the sides of his glistening, bald skull like a greasy waterfall. Luckily, the flight was absurdly short. I think I was in the air for less than thirty minutes. It may have only been five minutes. I don,t know. Time does weird things when you,re mesmerized by somebody else,s head sweat.

Oceaán - The Grip EP The next flight was better, but it was very full and took much longer and there were people all around me coughing and chewing and probably farting. Some farts are quiet and airplanes are loud so it,s pretty easy to sneak out a fart without anybody hearing it. Trust me. That,s what I spent most of my time doing.

The highlight of my day spent in the air was when I was getting on the second plane. I was waiting in line and I had just crossed the threshold into the iron beast when a flight attendant looked me up and down and handed me a banana. Shocked and bewildered, I took the curled fruit from his shiny palm and thanked him quietly. I didn,t know what to do. I didn,t know if this was some sort of aviator,s code for something lascivious. Lord knows I didn,t eat the thing. I have never eaten a banana and I wasn,t about to break my lifelong tradition just because I was a few miles about the screaming earth. I guess I,m just going to have to plant it and see what happens.