Preparation

I,ve been spending far too much time dealing with medical stuff lately. First that doctor wouldn,t remove my balls, then my sweet little roommate had to go to the hospital because some girl broke his heart. Then today I had to go to a low income clinic with a friend of mine because they haven,t been feeling too great and they are poor. That was the worst of all of them.

The clinic was next to a condemned cafe that had a sign on the door that said that they would be closed for the summer because somebody had ,,turned their ankle,,. There were still dirty dishes in a sink inside. The clinic waiting room was filled with everything you would expect from a business like that. An elderly black man, two little girls pushing and punching each other and shouting, outdated signs and brochures about when you should get your children/pets vaccinated, bewildered staff, bare brick walls, and filthy chairs. It was incredibly gloomy.

Ernst Reijseger - Requiem For A Dying Planet
Right after I showed up, another woman came in, probably to have the lifeless fetus yanked from her tangled guts. She was excellent. She sat mostly in silence listening to her phone play the MP3s that were on it when she bought it from the convenience store by her ex-boyfriend,s apartment. She only had one earphone which she let drag on the ground behind her until she sat down. She was probably in her mid-thirties but had clearly been through plenty of fun relationships and looked as if she were near fifty. In her lap she held a piss gray bag with a great urban camouflage pattern of pink, white, and black handguns.

Those two little girls just kept slapping each other, completely unattended until some eighteen year old, fuzz mustached, hoop dreamer came out and started telling them that they were dumb and pushing them around himself. It was a great little family unit. I hope they were his kids. I hope the mother was the girl working at reception with the ,,gold,, necklace that said ,,Chola,, or something and had a butterfly on it. The butterfly represents her free spirit. She also loves to laugh and hang out with her friends.

The staff were great and surely well-trained for working in medicine. They would call somebody,s name and walk away for minutes at a time before stumbling back and asking the tired person at the window, ,,What?,, My favorite little piece I heard out of them was when my friend had to pay. They needed exact change ,,cuz we havn,t had no money come in yet,,. It,s nice to see those community college degrees paying off. I immediately washed my hands and killed myself when I got home.

New Couch

I,ve got some good news and I,ve got some bad news. The good news is that I got to check off a major accomplishment on my lifetime to-do list because a middle aged black woman roughly scrubbed my balls with some soap or something. That counts as getting to second base so I have basically had sex with a hot black girl. She wasn,t hot but she was black and nice.

The bad news is that the doctor refused to give me a vasectomy because I got mouthy with him and he didn,t like that. Also, I think my age and lack of a family may have had something to do with it. When he saw me lying there with my two disgusting milk eggs hanging out he immediately asked me how old I was and if I had kids. Then he asked me why I wanted this done and I told him that I never, ever want to have kids ever no matter what. Then he started asking me to explain that to him and I said no and he got mad and then told on me to his boss and threatened me with not doing the surgery. I just told him that if he didn,t do it I,d find a cooler doctor to do it and that made him made to. Then he said he wasn,t going to do it so I went into the bathroom and scrubbed the weird brown sauce off of my ass and legs and got out of there.

Ballard - Songs To Remind You That I Will Always Love You, Forever
Whatevs though, I already found some other doctor who is probably way cooler that agreed to do it and doesn,t care about my age or the fact that I,m a bad ass. I bet this new doctor drinks while he surgeries and only schedules appointments for 4:20. The only downside is that I can still make some very real, expensive mistakes until the middle of September so I,ve got to keep my peenie in check. Another bummer is that I shaved for nothing. That,s the worst part of all of this.

A Fun Trip

I have a neat little headache right now because something smells overwhelmingly of a wrinkly woman,s perfume. I can,t locate the source of the aroma but it,s so strong that I think it,s coming from me. I,ve spent much of the last hour sniffing things around me to try and find the epicenter to no avail. Luckily, I have been getting paid to do it. It is not a great job but it is necessary.

To accompany this noxious odor, the room I am sitting in is filled with shrill, screeching, middle-aged Australian women. One of them sounds like a normal Australian woman but louder and much more needy. The other sounds like a cartoon version of a human-sized stick bug that wears what she would call a ,,Safari hat,, and loves picking berries. She is always worried that somebody forgot that they left the kettle on and is always late to get someplace. She,s very proud of her figure for how old she is and how many eggs she has laid. Her veins are prominent and even they produce a horrible pitch. I hate her and she makes me sick.

The Blind Slye Twins - It,s Me Again Lord
Somehow the stick bug,s husband is almost inaudibly quiet when he mumbles and has an accent that no other person has ever had. It,s like he took every word that does not translate from English into another language and built his vocabulary out of that so it is impossible for him to be understood by me. He walks behind the stick bug and carries her bags of food as she screams about the kettle. He,s a ,,builder,, back home and is awful.

If the stick bug is the one that stinks I will ask her to leave. I don,t want to get too near her because she is so piercingly loud and cackling but it would be nice to identify the sulfur spring that is leaking these poisonous gasses into the world. I am starting to feel sick to my stomach. If I throw up I,m doing it right here - in plain view of them. And I will face them. And I will keep my eyes open. And I will look at them.

Better Than I Thought

I,m getting my pee-pee cut off in about a week. That,ll be cool. I don,t use it much anyway. I,ve already written about this stuff but it,s getting closer to the end of the period in my life when I,ll be able to accidentally have a horrible mistake of a kid and I,m getting excited. I have saved up a special little bit of money for the procedure and I have secured myself a ride.

All I have left to do is buy something to wear that will keep my horrible balls pressed against me after the surgery. I,m not sure where to buy one. You can,t use a normal cup for it I guess because it,s supposed to really keep them smashed against you. The only time I ever wore a cup was when I played baseball as a kid because they said you had to. I remember it being incredibly uncomfortable and that, coupled with the fact that I am the least athletic person I have ever met, made me stop playing baseball and participating in anything that involved activity or movement for the rest of my life. I should probably be fat.

Henry Thomas - Complete Recorded Works
I,m still not scared of getting a needle inserted into my scrotum. I don,t like my scrotum anyway so it,s about time I paid somebody to punish it. The only thing I am sort of worried about is that it will take longer than I want to heal. It,s only supposed to take about 5 days to completely heal but I,m worried that I,ll have a really forceful sneeze and my body will tear apart. I have some fun plans lined up about two weeks after I get circumcised and I don,t want my bleeding balls to interfere with them. I guess I,m also scared about having to shave the day before. I,ve never done that before and there is a great likelihood that I will either cut myself or be so unwilling to spend the proper amount of time and effort that I will show up without having shaved and they,ll kick me out and have me arrested.

I,m hoping that they,ll give me some weird drugs to take home with me. I would really like to sell drugs for once in my life. I wonder how weak of a drug somebody would be willing to buy. Would somebody buy street ibuprofen? If they give me that I,ll still try and sell it. I,ll sell it to my roommate if he ever has a headache. I don,t plan on taking any pain medicine after I leave the hospital. I want to know what it,s like to get a vasectomy and really feel it, you know? I,m done babying my balls. I,ve been doing that for over twenty years and enough is enough. They have done nothing to show me that they appreciate the endless effort I put into their well being. I hate my balls.