The Rich Girls I Know

I always think it is so weird to open presents in front of people. Even if it,s not the people that got them for you, it still sucks. If it is the person that got you the gift you have to make sure that you react like it,s rad and that you were planning on buying it any way and that you need it for the next time you do anything.

I got my dad some detective novel written in the 1930s and when he opened it he said, ,,How did you know?,,. That is too much of a reaction. Everybody knew that he had never wanted that book and probably can,t even read (he wears glasses so people think he can, just like Santa).

Pete Drake - Steel Away
It,s even harder if you have to open gifts in front of people that didn,t get them for you. You have to find that perfect middle ground of surprise, admiration, and care so you don,t look like the jerk that you are and they won,t taddle on you to the people that got them for you (tis the season). You have to act like you really needed the electric guitar key chain or Gore-Tex scarf that your uncle got you because he doesn,t remember that you dress like a human being.

I,m usually pretty into all the gifts I get though. I guess that makes me greedy. Whatever. If people are going to go through the effort of pretending they thought of me when they were buying the giant half-zip sweatshirt with weird collar and camouflage boxer briefs (also too big, I,m built like Anne Frank. Too soon?) from Kmart then the least I can do is be into it while I return it to get store credit and buy what I really wanted - the new Drake album. He came into my heart in a wheelchair but has left the confines of his shiny two-wheeled ambulatory monster to dance/rap and carve weird lines in the side of his hair. And that is what the season is all about.

Thanks Skin Flute

Pecan Pie, Not Chocolate Ganosh

I just finished writing my last paper for my last class for my last college. I just spent thousands of dollars learning stuff about movies that makes me sound like the pretentious know-it-all that I am when I talk about them. Stuff like calling movies ,,Films,, or using the word ,,Cinematography,, instead of picture taker guy. Real jerk words. I majored in watching movies all the time when there were people out there trying to become doctors. I,m realizing all of this stuff as I write it and I now know why people spat on me when I told them what classes I was taking.

White Shit - Sculpted Beef
I guess the moral of it all is that the very last movie I ever watched in a college level film studies program was Josie and the Pussy Cats. I had to go to the Food Bank and drink hard milk because I spent all of my money watching Jo Jo and the Pussy Foots. Thanks a lot everybody.

I,ll be sure to keep you all updated on the great stuff that comes with getting such a highly sought after degree. Stuff like - getting the piece of paper in the mail, giving it to my dad, not making money, being tired, wondering why I didn,t study computers or something. It,ll make for great blogging. Almost as good as this one was. Sorry.

Shopping For Gifts For Friends

I,m at work right now. I just talked to this idiot guy for like 40 minutes. I was just sitting there, minding my own bee,s wax when old tight-fitting-brown-shirt-mom-jeans-gel-hair jerk walked by and started demanding to know stuff about me. Of course I made up some stuff to try to impress him. I told him about how my dad was a professional boxer and how I used to box too until I found religion. Then he started grilling me about what school I was going to and what the school was known for. What does that mean? I just told him that some guy there got beat to death with a bat a few weeks ago and the guy that did it got shot by a cop while I was in class. Actually, thinking about it now, I think he just wanted to know if my school specialized in any field. You know, like a corn field or Fieldy from Korn. After that he started telling me why I should travel.

Sonic Youth - The Destroyed Room
He just kept saying New Zealand over and over. I told him I had heard of New Zealand but he told me I hadn,t. Then he told me I was traveling wrong and that I should wait until I am older with kids to see the states. I told him I couldn,t have kids because I am a fag and penis + penis may = fun but it never = kids. He was bad at math. So I showed him my penis.

I thought that little maneuver would send him running and leave me alone to listen to weirdo French guys play the piano but I was wrong. He left for a few minutes and then came back to ask for something. He noticed some movies we had here and seemed quite interested. All he said was, ,,Do you have any of the American Pie series?,, I apologized profusely and said we didn,t. He walked away and muttered, ,,I knew it was a long shot.,,

Oh yeah, and I think he thinks that Mythbusters is a movie.

Pregnant

I have been so into Japanese stuff lately. When I work nights I have to just sit in a chair next to a computer for eight hours. Sometimes I read stuff but most of the time I am listening to music and looking at blawgs that are free of content and full of anime and pokemon references that I don,t understand. Oh, and sometimes I dump out a two paragraph long lie that I call homework and turn in to a rad teacher that is somehow letting me get a degree that I,ll never use.

But all this Japanese stuff is so rad. I look at all these Japanese pictures all day that I don,t get. Then I listen to Japanese music. Then I want a Japanese camera. And I even have a Japanese friend now.

Guitar Wolf - Planet Of The Wolves
It was all fun and cute cartoons with small smile-mouths for a while but now I,m getting worried. I called up my family doctor and told him what I,ve been up to and you know what he said? That old internment camp alumni said that I have yellow fever. Whoobs!

So now I,ve just been monitoring my intake of sneaky sausage plates and rice krispies. The good doctor said I should be healthy as a worn-torn country covered in American CDs with better technology than anybody else in no time. Also, as part of my treatment I had to go to a fancy Chinese restaurant last night and only leave a forty-nine cent tip. Who put peepee in who,s coke now?

I just talked to Jerry Hsu and he said he,s switching to Japanese. Take that!

Liver Darling Liver

I work in this big mansion. It used to be somebody,s house and then it was a place for dead guys and then it was a restaurant and now it,s a place where people from other countries come to say wifey instead of wifi. You know, the internet. Also, a witch made a guy puke there once and another time a guy shot drugs in the bathroom next to a room full of sleeping girl scouts. I like that place.

A little while ago I found a Nintendo DS Lite there. It was pretty rad. It was hacked so you could play Tony Hock,s Skate 2 online and be mean to ten year olds. I already have a way better DS that is just a really small piano so I figured I would sell the found one and make a quick buck in order to pay for my mounting legal bills.

I found out about this new website called eggslist where you can list porn and used undies and Nintendo DS Lites to sell. So I posted a quick pic of the lovely found Tony Hock machine and soon emails were flooding in trying to low-ball my advertised price by like 30 boners. Real cute.

Growing - Vision Swim
The Epidemic - Now Museum-Now You Don,t
One person emailed me about traiding. Let,s call her animallover_babe2004 because that was her email address. I,m going to quote some of our correspondence now.

animallover_babe2004:
Are you open to any trades? Thanks

Being the curious little weasle that I am I wrote:
Possibly, what sort of trade would you like to make?

animallover_babe2004:
I have iPods, ps1, ps2, n64, dvd player, videonow portable dvd player, icush for gamer chair, sprint palm centro, a kodak easyshare camera...anything like that?

I wrote:
What,s up with those ipods?

animallover_babe2004:
I have 2 shuffles and a 3rd gen nano

At this point I knew there was no way I was going to trade Tony Hock,s tech deck mega ramp for any of her trash. So like anybody would, I typed her cute email address into Blackle.com to see if I could find out how fat she was. I was pleasantly surprised when I found that she was an avid user of Yehaw answers. I looked through all of her insightful answers and eventually saw the kinds of questions she was asking strangers on the internet.

My last response to her was a polite decline of her dumb ipods and a simple copy and paste of my favorite question she had asked the horny rape-o-philes that live on the internet. Here it is.

No thank you. I,m not interested in trading for that.

I just got my hood re-pierced on August 13th. It,s been 7 days and it is still really sore...I originally had my hood pierced in 2005, but got into a car accident shortly after and the jewelry was removed and the hole closed up. I had a much smaller gauge originally (curved barbell and now it is a large straight barbell). I was able to have sex and do all normal activities THE SAME DAY. NOT this time around...Up until 2 days ago it was too painful to even touch really (and swollen). The swelling is almost completely down, but if I touch it or flick it wrong (I tried using my vibrator today and that wasn,t such a great idea; 30 seconds made it hurt for over an hour after I was done)...it just hurts. It bled for about 3 days (I only recall a few hours of bleeding the first time around)...Is it only hurting more because of the bigger gauge? Will the pain go away soon, AND WHEN? I can,t not hit the piercing with my vibrator it,s so large. Should I go back in to get smaller jewelery put in (is that going to suck since I now have a larger hole)? Should I wait it out a little longer to see if it becomes less tender and if the pain subsides? Am I just impatient and is this normal with all larger gauges? The piercer recommended the piece and I know he has been doing piercings (and tattoos) for a very long while...It,s not infected, I am just frustrated and want it to feel ,,good,, but after a week, all I,m feeling is hurt! What do experienced women who have the same piercing recommend? Please list your advise please. I,m horny and this damn piercing is starting to tick me off, I can,t do anything now I got it done! THANKS

Long story long, we met up shortly after and she is still very swollen and red and infected and now pregnant.

Fish Swimming

So the other day I made oatmeal for the first time in like 12 years. Actually, probably like 15 years. Maybe more. I have had it in my mind that oatmeal is gross for a long time. Probably because it looks like it came out of a sick baby that has a wasting disease or something. It looks gross and smells like warm dicks.

As we all know, I often visit my beloved Food Bank so I can continue living. I just love the people that congregate there. A little known fact is that places such as the great Bank are built on three basic pillars:
1. A complete misunderstanding of language and it,s uses by the proud patrons of said social service organizations
2. Oatmeal
3. Really hard bread with fun blue spots on it

It is the second of these three pillars which renewed my interest in the hot breakfast treat.

Steve Reich - Different Trains
I still have between 8 and 15 bags of instant oatmeal in my apartment. Luckily a visiting friend has agreed to eat them all in turn for me getting my balls tattooed like kiwis. I did try and make some of the yellow slop though, you know, just for self-flagellation. It was exactly as I had expected. I figure it tastes very similar to the stuff that comes out of a woman after the baby comes out. So it was a good experience.

My day at the zoo

Today I was in a store trying to buy my bits and pieces for a lunchtime feast. Well.....a poor mans munchtime feast. I go to check out with my soup and bread like any normal patron of the store. This Slug behind the counter paid to help me was far off from the tasks of her job. I did the typical greetings you would expect from someone in a hurry on their lunchbreak and received nothing in return. Ok, fair enough...I hate my job too. Then as I am instructed to pay by this worm, I slide my debt card and wait for a response...."Oh yeah, I need to get this People subscription, I buy it every week anyways so I may as well get it sent to my wormhole." Transaction pending......."SIR, you need to slide your card" I slide the damn thing and I need a response. "Let me see that catalog. "Oh yeah...Celebrity magazine, I could use that one too." Lady, you need to hit that little button to make the transaction finish. 2 minutes later..."Is my card going through or what?" I exclaimed. No response. I wait another few seconds until she hands me my receipt without a word coming from her slimy mouth. Bags in hand, I shake my manic little head and walk off. I get half way back to the office before realizing the fine products I just purchased contained a certain slime, poisonous to my kind. I flip a bitch and head back to make a return.

In closing, I had to wait in line again, get re directed by this little snail to customer service, wait again, then explain why I was there. At this point, my lunch is over, I am late back to work, hungry and generally disappointed.

When you live in a world of slugs.......Always carry a little extra salt with you.

Dangerous Kids

You know what I,m sick of? The stupid gimmick where I always put a ton of links in all of the stuff I write. They,re just stupid non sequiturs. Pictures of prolapsed sheep and stuff. It takes me way too long to find all of those pictures that I think are hilarious but are clearly just a cry for help. That,s probably the main reason why I don,t Bline as much as I should. That and all the klan meetings eat up a bunch of my time. So no more dumb links. Maybe every once in a while but this has been stupid. Oh yeah, and that whole Beast of Burden thing is not nearly worth squeezing into every post anymore. Waste.

So Bline Zogazine is over a year old. That,s old enough to be consenting in what might otherwise be considered ,,rape,, or ,,pornography,,. I,m glad nobody reads this still. I just write down the most important moments in my life and act like there is an audience because that,s what I learned to do by watching Tumblr. Awwww, did I just dis your blogging format of choice? Whoobs. Sorry this has content and you have to read and it,s not just pictures of weird anime stuff or that rage face or cats doing things.

Here,s a dumb record with a dumb picture for you.

Bernard Herrmann - Psycho: Original Film Score

Love,
Grandmother Goose and the Frozen Apes

Baby Angel Wings

About 100 months ago, a friend and I got in big tough-guy trouble for playing with markers at night. We were celebrating our friendship by writing affirmations on the bald spots on homeless people,s heads. Extra points if you got a homeless lady,s baldy waldy spot. It was a great way to spend Spring Break 2002. I guess the bottom line is that homeless people are a lot craftier than they might look, what with their D.T. and their open-air living facilities and their breath that smells like pennies and penises. So they all banded (bound?) together and brought up a class action lawsuit against us. They said it was libel because we were writing nice things and we were hurting their reputation for being blabbering non-humans.

They won the lawsuit and as punishment we had to go to these classes where we talked about our feelings and how sorry we were for what we did. Another component of the punishment was that I had to go hang out where the people we had hurt like to hang out. So off to the food bank I went.

Dock Boggs - Country Blues (The Complete Early Recordings)
Being the only person wearing people clothes, I stood out immediately. Most of the characters there were wearing old graduation robes and crushed velvet hats. I know, I know, none of them graduated anything, they obviously were just joking with the robes.

The best part of the whole experience was that I discovered a ton of great Hobo graffiti straight out of a train yard from the 1930s. It was all very exciting for me as I have just been aching for any excuse to turn this blogazine into a graff zine. I want that cred that all those other great publications have. I have made up my mind, I,m changing the name from Bline Zogazine (gay) into Graff Zine (straight). Finally.

Regards,
Tom Sawyer and Ashley Sawyer


Oh yeah, Beast of Burden.

Minimalist House

Last week my friend Dick-String and I went on this weird trip. Sunday night we decided to go to Nevada so we could spend exactly one dollar on slot time and get a delicious free beverage from the grumpy/horny woman that was shouting and carrying a tray around. Mission Accomplished. We also got a free, authentic Reno cheese steak while watching that bad Brendon Small show, not the ultra-great one. The Beast of Burden that served us our vittles had skin like one of those ladies from the middle east that got caught watching TV or reading a Nintendo magazine by their owner so he threw acid in their face. Pretty, pretty bad.

Candy Claws - Two Airships/Exploder
Two old women sat in the table next to us while we ate. It was 4 AM or something stupid like that. They had just got up to start their day. In Reno. They were dressed in these ill-fitting, salmon colored power suits that had dirt all over the knees and ankles. It was very strange. The boss of the two old ladies kept staring at us and saying she felt sorry for us. We replied in unison saying that we felt sorry for her because she is going to die way before us and she has to know that there was a black man running her country rather than Karl Rove and that her skin looks like a bunch of dead lizards mashed together. We both ended up feeling sorry for each other.

Our great night ended with us watching a terrible man choke on a cup of chicken ramen. It was indescribably disgusting. He had bits of noodle stuck to his ever-protruding, wet lips and a look of complete bewilderment on his ugly, machete face. Chicken ramen was always the worst flavor too. He could have so easily just gone for beef or something and fixed the whole problem. Idiot.

Love,
Book Mobile Alabama

Tons of Tattoos

Last night I went to this punker show. It wasn,t for bands or anything, it was a fashion show for Beasts of Burden to show off their tattoos and short shorts. It really showed how individualistic everybody was. You know, setting themselves apart from others by how they choose to dress. Really making a statement. And then taking that individual spirit and style and gathering in a room full of people that look just like them. I can really identify with that. Needless to say it was a great show.

Bygones - By-
At the very end, some dude from Auburn ran in with a dead animal tied to his waist and a perfect little goatee and demanded that everybody cut the crusts off of their sandwiches (we were eating sanwiches). Then he put on that Metallica record ,,And Crustice For All,,. All the individuals were weirded out at first but they calmed down eventually. As we were leaving, Mr. Perfect Goatee accosted my dear friend because he wasn,t wearing one of those dirty butt-flap patches. You know, the ones that individuals use to wipe their sticky poopers when they are stuck out on the rails some place. They got in a quick fight about it and it was resolved when we all started talking about how good that band Crass was. We left and he walked off towards the nearest squat in hopes of finding a hearty vegan meal and a place where he could continue not showering.

Cordially,
Lt. Denise Ferguson

My Hair Is Tangled Up In Yours

Last week my fake band played a pizza show. It,s a television show about different kinds of pizza. That night we were called Nate and the La Tones. We played a bunch of Slayer and Cannibal Corpse and Cannabis songs. It was really fun watching all the people leave when we started. It was a weird show because Dick-String had to play with his other band in Chico so we had my dear famous friend fill in. Complete on-stage abortion.

Heavy Heavy Low Low - Turtle Nipple and the Toxic Shock
Before that horse abortion, I had to spend all my money on these rad pottery classes. Pottery and poetry classes I mean. I got in trouble a few months ago for trying to write poetry on other Beasts of Burden,s pottery. I had to go to court and they said that in order to show that I am serious about pottery, I have to go to these special classes. If I don,t go I,ll lose my pottery license and then I can,t smoke pot anymore. The classes are really expensive so that,s a kick to the boner but whatever, I,ll learn some rad technique.

So now I,m really poor and scruffy. I watched this nutty conspiracy theory movie tonight that taught me that Obama is really a lizard-king that is only pretending to be a human in order to make people his slaves. It,s like payback for that other slavery that happened. I learned that he was born in the Bermuda Triangle and raised by aliens near Area 51. Like the video game. That game is awesome. Whenever I went to arcades I would always play that game and shoot the female army-cops on purpose. I thought it was way more fun killing the people that you were supposed to save rather than the green and red aliens. That is what Obama believes too.

Love,
Have A Turnip Have A Grapefruit

Starting My Career

I,ve been going to a lot of BBQs (Bong-Be-Ques) lately. Or ,,as of late,, as some might say. It,s been like three in the past week or something. Myabe more than that. It gets tough to remember when so many bongs are around. All sorts of bongs; Beer Bongs, Weed Bongs, Body Bongs,Thong Bongs, Bong John Silver. A lot of great bongs.

When I was in sixth grade the whole class had to go to this camp at the end of the year. It was called Sixth Grade Camp. It sucked for the most part. I got way sick like the second or third day there and threw up all over myself at night. It got all over the bed and the floor and stuff and the older kid that was our counselor had to clean it up because I was just a little kid and I felt depleted. I just went and took a shower with my clothes on. The only cool part about camp was that the same puke cleaning albino that saved the day also taught my friends and I how to make a bong out of a milk carton. We all thought he was so cool. Oh, the other cool part was that we put jelly in some kids shoes and we stayed up all night listening to KoRn and eating candy.

Black Moth Super Rainbow - Drippers
This BBQ I went to like a week ago was rad. It was at this really cool house in the bad part of town where all the black people go to scare the white people. There was this one band that played that were from Smokeland. You know, Smokeland, California. They played a bunch of Lynard Skynard covers but they played them really really fast. Did you ever notice that Lynard Skynard has the word nard in it twice? Some dude got his face smashed open when they played but I,ll get back to that later.

This other BBQ I went to was full of pretentious dorky kids so I fit in pretty well. A bunch of fake bands played pretend music including my band. The girl that put the BBQ together wore way too much makeup and had her weird pigeon-tits hanging out all over the place. What a mess. There was this kid there that was playing sega most of the time and was asking the guitar player in my band, Six-String (We also call him Dick-String because he has a big peepee) what we sounded like and what kind of music he was into. Well, Six-String mostly likes traditional Mexican music on acount of him having boarder-jumping-juice running through his veins. Sega Kid was not happy with this so he challenged him to a game of Sonic 3. But every Beast of Burden knows that Sonic 3 is impossible to beat so they just ended up making out in the honor of Michael Jackson and Tails that two-tailed gay fox that followed Sonic around. They both died on the same day.

The last BBQ I went to was at the same place as the first one and was made up of a bunch of punker dudes and me. It was cool. The blood from that guy who smashed his head at the Lynard Skynard show was smeared all over the house. We later found out that dude ended up dying from blood loss. What a laugh we all had. We talked about smoking Salvia and we held my friend down and blew bong hits up his ass. It was so hot.

Love,
David Leibe Hart,s Phone Number (213)381-0791

Dog Pile

You know how there is always that one girl in highschool (is highschool one word?) that is totally not your cup but you are still attracted to her? Like, they are basely attractive or at least weirdly attractive?

Actually, there are a few variations of this sort of girl or whatever thing you,re into. You might be a gay for all I know. I,ll just say girl and pretend that all you Beasts of Burden are lezirds.

There are those girls that look kind of bad, like rape victim bad. And they drink in the sloppy kind of way. Not like the fun girl at the party that sings weezer songs but the pig that brings her own bottle of whatever and drinks way before and way after everybody and when she pukes it,s not even fun because she does it right after she finishes having anal on the couch where you have to sleep that night. But you still wish it was you filling her colon with meat rather than that older guy at the party that only like two girls know.

Then there are the girls that are pretty. Everybody thinks they,re pretty but they,re super dumb or wack or something. So it,s embarrassing but you still think about her when you jerk off.

Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
Then there are the girls that are missing a limb or are mentally disabled. And it,s not like you want to exploit them. You just want to explore them. They are like the holy grail. The rotten forbidden fruit.

Then there are the girls that are way too young. And you only really find them attractive because everybody else does and you just want to be the first one to ruin her highschool life by telling everybody you convinced her to put it in her butt by saying you didn,t have a condom. Works every time.

There are a bunch of other types that I,m not going to go into. They include the ugly punk girl, the nazi girl, the fat girl, the cutter, the girl with the really annoying voice, the girl with the really ugly vagina, the girl who dropped out, the ultra-religious girl, the girl who said she went to juvi for smashing her dad in the face with a glass sugar bowl, the girl who always smells like her older brother,s weed, the girl with that hair that is wavy and always looks wet and has super thin eyebrows and wears jeans with no back pockets, and maybe even the juggalette. Who knows.

The bottom line is that at least one of these types, at one time or another, will end up with semi-naked, naked, and/or hardcore pornographic pictures/video on the internet. Most of us will never be lucky enough to stumble across these wonderous gems. Every once in a while however, you get lucky.

Love,

Senior Master Fraction Fiction

One of the First Days of Summear

Dude! It has been so long since that last delicious, nutritious article. My bad. Like anybody even reads this stuff.

You know how every Beast of Burden acts like they,re in a band or that they were at some time? I,m doing that now. I tell people that I meet that I,m in this really experimental (which just means lazy becauce everybody that uses that word to describe music just means that they never learned how to play an instrument so they just smash on one) band and we only use vegan instruments and stuff. The attention it is getting me is great. I have even started going to shows around here and saying that my band is playing. The bewildered goon standing behind the coffee counter with his sticky, Asian dreds always just tells me it,s not cool if my band plays. His breath smells like weed and sesame seeds so we play anyways.

When people get bummed and leave we make little speeches in between songs about how we just got done doing a split with some unheard of band that is way under the radar and cool. Then if the people still leave they get razzed by their friends for not knowing what the cool new trash is.

My band sort of sounds like John Mayer. But the good John May May, not that weak stuff where he sings about how gay George Bush is.

John Mayer - Room For Squares
Last night two of my band mates and I had a show. We went to our friends house just after he finished smoking weed and we danced all over him until he got mad and pushed us out of his room. He was being all mean and stuff. Boring. Then we took our show to the train tracks and 4-String (we also call him 4-Skin because he still has that flap of dick meat attached to him) the bass player, poopooed in some homeless guys bedding and wiped his gummy little plop opening with his underwear. He usually doesn,t wear any so it was his lucky day. It was one of our better shows.

Love,
Minor Threat Misfits Jaguars Black Flag

Clean Sink

All of you Beasts of Burden know how bad I am at keeping jobs right? Right. Last summer I had a job for three days at this hotel where not so famous comedians hung out. It was way too boring and I,m a free spirit. The only good part was that one of the three days I got to work with a greaser, you know, the guys that look like the band Lit in that video for the only hit song they had. Did anybody else have that record? I did. They all had flaming dice tattoos and slicked back hair and cool belts and thick boots. That video they did with Pamela Anderson was rad though. She is the most important girl in history. The other good thing about that job is that we sold biker porn mags and I had to rip the covers off when we were throwing them away which meant I had to expose this picture of some girl getting a peepee wiggled into her fanny by a tough biker that was on the first page. I was working with some old lady that shift.

Frederic Chopin - Waltzes
I got this job a few weeks ago waving a lightsaber (I just had to look up if that was one word or not because I knew if I spelled it wrong the dorkier Beasts would kick my ass) around and getting yelled at by punkers. I worked weekend shifts from 7pm to 3am. It was wack. The guy I worked with always smelled like McDonalds and cigarettes and fat girlfriend and unplanned childbirth. He was a bummer. He would listen to this weird mp3 player and yell lyrics to Sublime songs and rave twist with his lightsabers.

So I quit after working four days. One day longer than my last job that I quit. The dudes were just too greasy and I,d rather be a pauper than an asshole, you know? On my last day my sweetheart came by and we set up a mini ramp and did skate tricks in front of my boss. He was slightly impressed with my Tony Hock 1080 Snowboarding flips. Then we had dinner and I got paid for it. I met a gay black guy at dinner. My sweetheart is jealous of how tall he is.

Love,

Fine Fine Fine, Very Good Very Good Very Good, Very Very Very Very Good

15 Months

I have been busy. Sorry I,m such a dick about it. I,ve been making a lot of weird art lately by milking my prostate anally until I cum without having an orgasm. Then I take the stuff that blasts out of me and smear it on a cat,s tail and roll the cat around on a canvas. I,m trying to get rich old ladies to buy it so I can finnaly afford to shave. I look really bad right now. I figure that if I can shave then I can get a real job and quit making PETA mad with my artsy art.

Last night I went and saw some Beasts of Burden that I hadn,t seen in almost a year. I,ll give you a quick run down of what had changed about them and then I,ll tell you what they said had changed about me. One of them converted religions. He is now a Sikh. He also smoges a lodd of Hooga Booga Ding Dong now, which is cool. I finally have somebody to trade flavors with. Another one of them got kind of fat but so did his sister. Two more years and it,ll be clobbering time. His mom kept hitting on me in front of his dad which was uncomfortable in a hot way. The last kid was still pretty much the same except that he is more of a pussy now.

Metronomy - Pip Paine: Pay Back The 5000 You Owe Me
They said that I was way more of a pussy too. And that I bragged about stuff a lot. I,ve always done that though. They all made fun of me when I went to the bathroom and they thought I couldn,t hear them. I could.

By the end of the night we had all made a blood oath, like the one in that Twilight movie, that we would all spend a bunch of money on guns that look illegal and try and kill Barack Osama Sadam Hussein Bin Ladin Obama. I think we,ve got a good chance. Good Luck Guys!

Love,

Rodney Dangerfield,s Worm Belly


Oh! I almost forgot to metion that this article might be published in College Gun Magazine. Fingers crossed.

Friends

Do you ever eat so much that you throw up? I did the other day. My friend made this lasagna that was so delish I had to eat too much and I ended up puking in my friends bed. Bummer. Sorry dude. I,m not mad at her for making such a tasty meal though. She came and visited for a while and I taught her to ride a bike and play video games and be sigg. Now, thanks to me, she is as lame as everybody else I know. Bummer. Sorry dude.

Hot Chip - Made in the Dark with Robert Wyatt and Geese
We all went and saw Time and Erin. That was rad. They came out and just played an hour and a half of ICP covers. I was into it. ICP is kind of misunderstood.

I have a job now. I work with Sprint. Hell of a gal. Great worker. Sharp as a tack.

In my Spanish class the other day my teacher was talking about anthropological things like dialects and sheep,s blatters and ringworm (the band) and she mentioned that she was on lightrail (you know, that place where white people are scared to go) and she heard these three young men talking to each other and she knew it was English but she could only understand a little bit. Some Beast of Burden in the class pulled the grape flavored blunt from his lips, put down his cough syrup, and stopped rapping just long enough to say ,,Bitch, them is lightrail niggas!,, We all started laughing. Becuase it was so true.

The co-owner of Bline Zogglezine just got kicked out of his apartment the other day. He got a letter from his landlord saying that he was a bad roommate. He is. He never even talks to the sweetheart that he lived with. Rock and Roll.

The California Budget just got passed which means Prop 8 can never be overturned. Yesss.

Sincerely
Garnold Regence Reptile Focal Pokle

Playing Jeopardy All The Time

I remember the surprisingly warm January night twelve months ago. I remember everything about that night. I remember what you were wearing (that cardigan and jeans with your little shoestring headband (you looged ultra rad since we were hanging out at Goo Luv)). I remember how warm it was and how I only needed to wear my favorite Bury Your Dead track-jacket. I remember you being wet inside, my leftovers from that morning hadn,t evaporated or swam into your baby hole yet. I remember your eye. Strangely innocent, you were only 14. I remember the way you bashfully hid your smile, I,d later learn how insecure you were about showing your teeth. They look quite bad. The next sentence I write will be so much meaner than I want it to be. I always adored their imperfection. Yikes! I remember dreading the thought of having to shave you and I remember the skip in my heart when you agreed to the abortion. I remember running to Chipotle and calling you to ask what you wanted. Your burritos with just sour cream and lamb balls. I jerked off outside of your house that night. I remember after bearing the cool air we couldn,t do anything but go back to your apartment and put my Beast into your Burden. I got elbow deep in your heavily bruised love gulch. I remember watching the Office for the first time. I remember the way that during the first 10 or 15 minutes we sat so close that our legs would graze each other. I wish you would have shaved those cellulite dimpled mounds of white meat, you bitch. We,d laugh together and you couldn,t do anything about hiding your goat toothed smile at that point. My cum tasted like salt and you threw up. I remember it getting late. I remember you putting your head on my sigg tattoo (remember how I accidentally showed it to you because those lamb dick burritos filled me up so much that I had to lift my shirt up?). I remember commandeering your iPod dick and putting on Metallica,s masterpiece, St. Anger. I remember you creeping up as I laid on my back softly singing, Whing! Whing! Whing! I scared you to death when you saw that my dick was bright red. I remember you kissing me and how it was nothing to write a poem about. Sloppy technique and your stubbly mustache didn,t help the situation at all (I thought you said you were post-op).

AFX - Hangable Auto Bulb
I remember a lot of things after that, but I try not to. I block out how much I questioned about myself. I block out how much the abortion cost. I wish you would have just let me try and do it. I block out how much that rash you gave me burned. I block out the words that were said so naively (Is this the right hole? Is skin supposed to look like that? Who,s blood is that?). I block out everything I came to understand to be hollow and empty. And what I,m left with is the paragraph above. Because everything else just hurts to think about. My dick hole hurts when I pee pee. I used to say I,d give anything to do more stuff to your body. But knowing what you,re capable of now,the possibilities seem almost endless. I kept on telling myself I let go. But I don,t think I ever will. No resolution for open books and no consolation for feelings misplaced. I am so poetic. Pretentious language is the key to any girl,s heart.

I love you like I,ve loved every other girl. And that means I did it in your mouth, ass, pusser, ear, eyes, and in the cut on your leg.

Love,

Admiral Frisky Old Whisky