If You Ask Me

Today is Easter. Usually it would mean that I was going to eat a bunch of tasty food tonight, but now that I am a lonely grown up, I don,t think that is going to happen. Here is what I think I will do to celebrate Easter today. I,ll try to keep it as fun and realistic as possible.

I am going to wake up late. I am going to wake so late that I don,t have time to shower or anything so I feel gross and kind of sticky all day at work because I didn,t take a shower last night before I went to bed because I went to show that was really far away from my house and saw a guy wearing one of those gay, leather riding caps and a long underwear shirt fling his greasy, curled hair all over the place until really late at night. (I did wake up late so I,m doing pretty well at predicting the future so far even though that,s the past.)

Tera Melos - X,ed Out Then work is going to go really slow because I didn,t get enough sleep last night or the night before and I am going to be thinking about how much I would like to be asleep but can,t. Then maybe I,ll spill something on myself. Then, in eight hours, I,ll go home and be hungry because I didn,t eat breakfast and I will want to eat some food but will be too lazy/stupid/tired/out of food to make any so I,ll take a nap instead of give my body the fuel that it requires to function.

The nap should only be for an hour or maybe two, but I,ll end up sleeping five hours and it will ruin my night sleep and I,ll wake up feeling confused and angry about what just happened. Then I will prepare a very sad, disgusting meal consisting of some type of wholesale cheese and boiled matter. Then I will use my computer in front of the television while the television is on, but I won,t be watching it. I just like my utility bills to be a little higher. Then, when it,s one in the morning, I will go to sleep and probably pee the bed.

You Had Better Do It

Last week I had to go to a weird training thing for work. It was at a hotel. It was really great. I felt like I was in high school again because I spent most of the seven hours writing mean things to people who were in the room with me. I would write that stuff in the margins of the work book that they gave us. I also drew pictures of cubes because that,s what I learned to draw when I was a kid. I,ve still got it.

My totally gay boss took me to lunch. He chose to go to Chick-fil-A because he used to live in Georgia. They have a lot of different types of sauce there. The person that took my order was very nice. He probably went to the same customer service training as me, but instead of drawing cubes and unfunny jokes all over the place, he paid attention and absorbed the information and became a better person. I have been using the word ,,absorbed,, a lot lately. I don,t think I would ever get hired to work in a restaurant.

Hank Wood & The Hammerheads - Go Home The training thing had two different instructors. One of them sounded like Chris Rock and was kind of cross eyed and the other looked like she had done amateur pornography and loved yelling. They both shopped at Target and both didn,t love any of their children. The Chris Rock impersonator was better because she didn,t stumble over her words the entire time and the yelling lady was worse because she sounded like she had never read a book before. They were a great pair.

There was a girl there who had the biggest cellular phone I have ever seen. It may have been one of the smaller iPads, but I don,t think so. I think I saw her make a call with it. It looked like she was holding a notebook to her head. Maybe she was just holding a notebook to her head and I made everything up.

All Of It

I keep forgetting to buy tortillas at the store and I hate myself because of it. I,ve been grocery shopping twice in the past three days. The first time I forgot to get them and I blame that on it being really late and I was super tired and I bought a ton of other stuff and forgot my list. I make shopping lists because I am a mother from the fifties. The second time I went specifically to get tortillas and two other things. I got the other things and then bought cereal instead of tortillas because I am an idiot.

Cereal is better than tortillas, but I need tortillas to make quesadillas which are a cornerstone of my food pyramid. My food pyramid consists of:

Beige foods - Potatoes, quesadillas, bread, noodles, cereal
Wet foods - Water, orange juice, fake milk in cereal, sauces
Frozen foods - Pizza, Capri Suns, tiny chickens, peas
Real foods - Soups, sandwiches, fried stuff, leaves, eggs

Meat Mist - Smut LP Quesadillas are a very important part, but I am kind of glad that I couldn,t make one today. Because of my inability to perform extremely simple tasks, I didn,t have all of the ingredients to make that simple Mexican treat. Instead, I made a grilled cheese which was completely out of control and rad. It might be the best grilled cheese that I have ever had. I,m not sure. I have to decide if I actually consider it a grilled cheese or not. It had too many ingredients to be a simple grilled cheese. It may have to be moved to the standard sandwich category.

It was two big breads and several cheddar cheeses and the not-moldy half of a tomato and most of a chipotle sausage. It was pretty nuts. Everything came together really well. I put a bunch of salt and pepper on the outside of the bread and that changed the game. Damn, this is maybe the most boring, unfunny thing I have ever written on here. I didn,t even drop it on the floor before I could eat it or anything. I just made a good sandwich and ate it by myself.

Socks

My friend taught me to not be an idiot. He read that thing I wrote about being stupid and showed me how to fix it. It took me less than a minute. I have been bothered by that stupid thing for years and I could have easily fixed it myself if I would have tired. Thanks, buddy. You made me less stupid. That is probably the greatest gift in the world.

I feel like I am getting way worse at typing. I type so many things wrong. It,s not even just spelling either. I have always been very bad with spelling and I have come to accept that. Automatic spell check has helped me a lot. For example, I just typed ,,spellcheck,, at first because for some reason I thought that that made sense as the correct spelling. Luckily, that little, wiggly, red worm popped up under the word and criticized my poor spelling. Thanks, worm. You made me less stupid. That is probably the greatest gift in the world.

Cherub - Mom & Dad The typing is the real issue, though. My new computer has very shallow, weak keys and I have very shallow,inappropriate, cocky,  weak wrists and fingers so apparently I don,t press them hard enough to register a lot of the time. This means that a lot of words I write are missing letters. I guess I also have really bad aim because inappropriate letters keep showing up in words. I think I,m getting too cocky. I act too cool to look at the keyboard anymore. I know that I never payed attention to typing lessons in elementary school so I don,t deserve to not look at what I,m typing. I also only type with four fingers rather than the standard eight.

I am at work right now and I just got finished throwing away a bag of puke. Two ugly guys got drunk here last night and thrashed their room and puked in the garbage can. They also ripped a big metal grate off of a window frame and went out on the roof and probably puked more. I didn,t look. I didn,t care. It will probably rain soon and wash the roof puke away before the crows find it and make a nest there. That,s the last thing I need - puke hungry roosting crows.