Tons of Tattoos

Last night I went to this punker show. It wasn,t for bands or anything, it was a fashion show for Beasts of Burden to show off their tattoos and short shorts. It really showed how individualistic everybody was. You know, setting themselves apart from others by how they choose to dress. Really making a statement. And then taking that individual spirit and style and gathering in a room full of people that look just like them. I can really identify with that. Needless to say it was a great show.

Bygones - By-
At the very end, some dude from Auburn ran in with a dead animal tied to his waist and a perfect little goatee and demanded that everybody cut the crusts off of their sandwiches (we were eating sanwiches). Then he put on that Metallica record ,,And Crustice For All,,. All the individuals were weirded out at first but they calmed down eventually. As we were leaving, Mr. Perfect Goatee accosted my dear friend because he wasn,t wearing one of those dirty butt-flap patches. You know, the ones that individuals use to wipe their sticky poopers when they are stuck out on the rails some place. They got in a quick fight about it and it was resolved when we all started talking about how good that band Crass was. We left and he walked off towards the nearest squat in hopes of finding a hearty vegan meal and a place where he could continue not showering.

Cordially,
Lt. Denise Ferguson

My Hair Is Tangled Up In Yours

Last week my fake band played a pizza show. It,s a television show about different kinds of pizza. That night we were called Nate and the La Tones. We played a bunch of Slayer and Cannibal Corpse and Cannabis songs. It was really fun watching all the people leave when we started. It was a weird show because Dick-String had to play with his other band in Chico so we had my dear famous friend fill in. Complete on-stage abortion.

Heavy Heavy Low Low - Turtle Nipple and the Toxic Shock
Before that horse abortion, I had to spend all my money on these rad pottery classes. Pottery and poetry classes I mean. I got in trouble a few months ago for trying to write poetry on other Beasts of Burden,s pottery. I had to go to court and they said that in order to show that I am serious about pottery, I have to go to these special classes. If I don,t go I,ll lose my pottery license and then I can,t smoke pot anymore. The classes are really expensive so that,s a kick to the boner but whatever, I,ll learn some rad technique.

So now I,m really poor and scruffy. I watched this nutty conspiracy theory movie tonight that taught me that Obama is really a lizard-king that is only pretending to be a human in order to make people his slaves. It,s like payback for that other slavery that happened. I learned that he was born in the Bermuda Triangle and raised by aliens near Area 51. Like the video game. That game is awesome. Whenever I went to arcades I would always play that game and shoot the female army-cops on purpose. I thought it was way more fun killing the people that you were supposed to save rather than the green and red aliens. That is what Obama believes too.

Love,
Have A Turnip Have A Grapefruit

Starting My Career

I,ve been going to a lot of BBQs (Bong-Be-Ques) lately. Or ,,as of late,, as some might say. It,s been like three in the past week or something. Myabe more than that. It gets tough to remember when so many bongs are around. All sorts of bongs; Beer Bongs, Weed Bongs, Body Bongs,Thong Bongs, Bong John Silver. A lot of great bongs.

When I was in sixth grade the whole class had to go to this camp at the end of the year. It was called Sixth Grade Camp. It sucked for the most part. I got way sick like the second or third day there and threw up all over myself at night. It got all over the bed and the floor and stuff and the older kid that was our counselor had to clean it up because I was just a little kid and I felt depleted. I just went and took a shower with my clothes on. The only cool part about camp was that the same puke cleaning albino that saved the day also taught my friends and I how to make a bong out of a milk carton. We all thought he was so cool. Oh, the other cool part was that we put jelly in some kids shoes and we stayed up all night listening to KoRn and eating candy.

Black Moth Super Rainbow - Drippers
This BBQ I went to like a week ago was rad. It was at this really cool house in the bad part of town where all the black people go to scare the white people. There was this one band that played that were from Smokeland. You know, Smokeland, California. They played a bunch of Lynard Skynard covers but they played them really really fast. Did you ever notice that Lynard Skynard has the word nard in it twice? Some dude got his face smashed open when they played but I,ll get back to that later.

This other BBQ I went to was full of pretentious dorky kids so I fit in pretty well. A bunch of fake bands played pretend music including my band. The girl that put the BBQ together wore way too much makeup and had her weird pigeon-tits hanging out all over the place. What a mess. There was this kid there that was playing sega most of the time and was asking the guitar player in my band, Six-String (We also call him Dick-String because he has a big peepee) what we sounded like and what kind of music he was into. Well, Six-String mostly likes traditional Mexican music on acount of him having boarder-jumping-juice running through his veins. Sega Kid was not happy with this so he challenged him to a game of Sonic 3. But every Beast of Burden knows that Sonic 3 is impossible to beat so they just ended up making out in the honor of Michael Jackson and Tails that two-tailed gay fox that followed Sonic around. They both died on the same day.

The last BBQ I went to was at the same place as the first one and was made up of a bunch of punker dudes and me. It was cool. The blood from that guy who smashed his head at the Lynard Skynard show was smeared all over the house. We later found out that dude ended up dying from blood loss. What a laugh we all had. We talked about smoking Salvia and we held my friend down and blew bong hits up his ass. It was so hot.

Love,
David Leibe Hart,s Phone Number (213)381-0791