The First Day Of Wintear

My room is such a hog,s nest right now. It would comfortably nest up to 4 hogs. Did I already talk about Christmas gifts? Probably. It doesn,t matter, nobody is reading this.

Every year I make a list of the people I am going to get gifts for. I did that this year and it was only seven or eight people. Most people are getting thoughtless gifts. That,s not true. I put thought into them but couldn,t think of anything good so they get gifts that don,t mean anything other than I,m bad at guessing what people might want for under ten dollars. I figure ten dollars is a pretty reasonable amount.

I never know what to get my dad. He,s fat so I always want to get him a cookbook or forks or something. I have gotten him knives, barbecue stuff, and cookbooks in the past. This year he is getting a mortar and pestle. I am getting him a completely outmoded kitchen appliance because that,s how much I love him. Is it bad to give him a movie that I have two copies of because I bought one a while ago but recently bought a box set of movies and it was in it? He probably wouldn,t even like it. That,s why I got him two rocks so he can smash seeds and herbs.

Lamborghini Crystal - Alien Microwave
I always want to get people movies or books because those are the only things I like. My sweet roommate got somebody gift cards so they can buy music online digitally. That is so bizarre to me. If somebody got me a gift card like that I would be excited and happy but I wouldn't know what to do with it. I would probably just leave it under our doormat because you can pick our lock with a plastic card and that would be convenient. I hope no robbers are reading this. Maybe I would just buy the same song over and over until it was out of money. It seems so strange to pay for music if you are not going to get anything physical.

I try not buy music unless I know the people selling it are poor and I really like them. I try as hard as I can to steal everything I listen to. I hope no police are reading this. I don,t want thieves or detectives to read anything I write.

I think the last music I bought, and was excited about, I have never listened to. I don,t like collecting vinyl at all because it sounds really bad and I have no way of hearing it but I bought a record about a year an a half ago for under five dollars because I really liked the cover. Isn,t that why people collect albums? The covers? As soon as I brought it home it went right into my closet in a box in the dark. I could have bought four boxes of macaroni and cheese with that money. But no, I am an idiot and wanted to seem cool in front of my friends. I bet they would have thought I was cooler if I would have offered to buy and prepare macaroni and cheese for them all.

Taking The Train

I once made dinner for somebody and they complained that the edges of the food were burnt from grilling them so they picked those parts off and didn,t eat them. That was pretty cool. I marinated stuff and toasted stuff and seasoned stuff and grilled stuff but a little bit of the corner of a bite was burnt so the whole meal was a waste. I like the burnt stuff. If I get toast at a restaurant (why would I get toast at a restaurant?) I ask for it ,,well done,,. Toast is pretty good though.

I remember when I was little, my cousin lived with me and used to eat toast all the time when he would come home from school. He was older and cooler than me so that,s probably why I like it. I just want to be like him. I don,t know what he,s up to now, I haven,t seen him in a long time.

Gil Trythall - Luxikon II - Echospace
I remember that he really liked bad rap music and then Japanese stuff and then nu metal and then weed and then I think he got really spiritual. That does seem like a pretty likely path for me to follow. I think I,m just past the nu metal part. I really liked that stuff when I was younger. I still like some of it. A friend of mine gave me a System of a Down CD when I was in seventh grade. That was pretty cool. I already had that CD so I returned it and got something else. I can,t remember what I got.

Some kid I knew in seventh grade stole or found a big binder of CDs and brought them to school and was giving them away. They were mostly punk records. I remember taking a live NOFX album. I didn,t really like it at the time. Oh well. Joke,s on me. I would have rather listened to Ludacris or Deftones or something. Remember how Deftones had those really rappy songs? That stuff sucked. Whatever. If I ran into any of those guys I would still probably act like the nervous little boy that I am. I wonder if I would ask them to sign anything. I would probably ask them to sign my boob like that girl in the Limp Bizkit video. I think that video was what spurred me on to try and become the rap-rocker that I am today. I just really like signing blonde girls, boobs. Slipknot.

Art Gallery

Last night my Death Cab For Cutie cover band played a show. We don,t really play shows very often because we are terrible, nobody wants to see us play, we are too lazy to practice, Kenny is a roofer, drugs, turmoil, Obama, etc. Normal ,,band stuff,,. I was rude enough to ask this other band if we could barge onto the show they had already set up at really short notice. They were way too nice and they let us play and we ruined everything because we aren,t good and Dick-String was really late because he is sick and had to play a different show with his real band. They just had stickers made.

People were acting pretty weird last night and doing things like listening to us a little and taking our free scratched blank compact discs that we leave unattended on a table. That stuff usually never happens. The biggest joke of the night is on any of the few people that took something of ours and didn,t throw it away. All of the dumb CDs come with a nifty little piece of dirty paper with this directions on how to get to Bline Zogazine scribbled on it. God forbid any poor kid looks at this thing. Jesus Christ. Sorry dude. I hope you stopped reading a while ago.

Motohiro Nakashima - We Hum On The Way Home
The original plan was to get into fights with all of the other bands because they are so nice. That didn,t really pan out that well because we only had so many free drink tickets and apparently the beer tasted like soap. I ate a little bit of pizza though. It wasn,t that good. It never is there. The crust tastes a lot like our bathmat probably does right now. We just had a big hole in our ceiling above our shower fixed and there is a bunch of something on the bathmat. I can,t think of the word. What do people put on ceilings when they fix a big hole? Glue? White glue? So the pizza crust tastes like wet feet and white putty glue and carpet. Not that great for a pizza. Not even really that great for a bathmat.

You know what kind of pizza I like? Good pizza. Delicious pizza. Pizza with cheese and other things. That is my kind of pizza. I like that pizza that comes with the little pepper on the side. That,s a good one. I don,t get that kind very often though because they aren,t close enough to me and there is no way I am paying some delivery jerk to drive nine minutes while listening to Lil Wayne.

If it were up to me, I would replace all delivery drivers with hogs. Drugged hogs waddling through the streets, smashing their fat guts into the sides of cars, defecating in a child,s stroller, eating rabbits, carrying our pizzas on their backs using some sort of harness system. They would be highly trained and de-toothed so they couldn,t bite people but could still catch and mash up the wild rabbits that are taking over this town. Pizzas would take days to get delivered rather than minutes. Hogs would be our country,s national heroes. They should really be taken more seriously when it comes to their potential as works beasts.

Second Thoughts

Today I was lying in bed being sad and sick and our neighbors upstairs were thrashing about as they normally do. They were walking/stomping around right above my closet and I could hear the metal track where the door slides open start to come apart. They create so much of a disturbance just by living that my room is starting to break. Pictures I have hanging up almost fall off of the wall when they breathe in too deeply.

We have a light in our kitchen/living room quadrant that rattles when they are near. It is sort of like that one scene in Steven Spielberg,s Jurassic Park with the cup of water but it,s not that bad. Maybe you could see ripples in a cup of water if they are walking around. I don,t know. I haven,t used a cup in a long time. I drink out of a smelly plastic bottle that I bought at Kmart a long time ago with the money I got from returning all the weird stuff my dad bought me for Christmas. Thanks dad. My dad is pretty nice though.

Aqueduct - Pistols At Dawn
I don,t know what to get anybody for Christmas. I just got paid and I figured I should buy people stuff this week since I have money. Maybe I will buy everybody the same thing. I did that last year. I bought a few people vacuums. They were a good deal. I got myself one too. It,s red and doesn,t work that well. The carpet is covered in dead leaves and bugs and hair.

Usually, when I get people gifts, I just get them things that I like. I,m very selfish. I mean, I,m very selfish when I get people gifts and when I am just hanging out doing normal stuff. I,ll probably just find the cheapest movie that I like on Amazon and buy ten copies of it and pass them out, unwrapped. The spirit of the season truly is in me.

Burning My Clothes

I have to write a thing for work about all the cool places around town. I have lived here for over three years and I have no idea what is around here. All I ever do is sit in my cold apartment and eat pasta. I could not think about a single real attraction to write about. I almost wrote about a spot on the road where you could sit and people wouldn,t bother you. I thought that would get me a big fat ,,You are fired,, though. Here are the three places I wrote about.

Henry,s Bar
I don,t know if the drinks are any good. I haven,t tried them. They appear to be around the average price, or just below, for alcoholic drinks at a bar. I do know that it is usually pretty empty and almost completely silent. Sometimes they will have NASCAR playing on a large, gaudy television set with the sound turned off. The people that I have seen there are usually middle aged or seniors that look sad or very drunk. The first time I went there, a man told me about how his wife died and how the Eiffel Tower is surrounded by trash and homeless people. This is my favorite bar.

MC Paul Barman - Thought Balloon Mushroom Cloud
Capital Park Café
This is a small, inexpensive restaurant that is adjacent to Henry,s Bar. They share a restroom. The food here is okay. It is generally frequented by seniors. The staff is often unfriendly and the service is sometimes slow but not all the time. I have heard that the coffee is very good. I usually purchase the grilled cheese sandwich with French fries. It is extremely inexpensive. The quality matches the price. Once, there was a big piece of lemon peel grilled into the sandwich. There is an old, stained picture of Sacramento hanging on the wall that I look at sometimes.

Blue Diamond Almond Growers
This is a factory where almonds are processed for the Blue Diamond® Growers. It is a large industrial building with very few windows and a lot of machinery and truck traffic. There is a small gift shop where you can sample different flavored almonds and purchase almond and nut based products. Every month they feature a different flavor at a discounted price. Near the gift shop there is a small television with a few rows of chairs set up. Upon request, an educational video can be shown to give the viewer a better understanding of the Blue Diamond® Growers history and day to day procedures. Tours are not given.

Coconut Oil

I have a pretty big list of characteristics that I find attractive in people. Girls, I mean. I actually don,t even find girls attractive. Everybody is equally dumb. That,s what our forefathers meant when they wrote that book about the United States. The butter of stupidity has been spread liberally and evenly over this great toast of a country. I referenced butter and toast because it is early in the morning right now and people eat breakfast in the morning. All I ever eat anymore are mandarins.

A lot of the things that comprise my things-about-girls-that-I-find-attractive list, let,s call it the ,,Heart Melters,, list for short, are super specific and kind of weird and might bum out a lot of people. Not really bad stuff like being a really racist girl or a girl that likes to set up car crashes to collect insurance money. I actually wouldn,t mind the insurance money thing though. That sounds kind of neat. Hopefully my dad doesn,t ever read this. He would not approve of insurance fraud.

The list includes wonderful characteristics like -

Short stature, absence of really dumb tattoos, slight speech impediments like a lisp, understanding more than one language, ability to play an instrument, way smarter than me, dresses like a rich bitch, and giant legs. Things like these are normal. Standard heart melters. Generally, if somebody were to possess several or all of these traits my heart would melt, hence the name ,,Heart Melters,,. Then there are a few weird things that I am not as ashamed to admit as I should be.

Some of these include -

Slight brain damage, noncommunicable terminal illnesses, high pain tolerance, crushed soul, hairy, addicted to something detrimental to their well-being, extreme religious beliefs, blind, fat, facial scars, physical deformity like a missing finger or clubfoot, works or has worked in a library, stutter, extremely wealthy, has a pilot,s license, former grade school teacher, former military, botanist, victim of a hate crime, broken ribs, descendant of a historically downtrodden people, royalty, abducted by aliens or ghosts, had acid thrown in her face because she lived in one of those places where that happens sometimes to girls because they are too pretty or won,t get married to some abusive banker, dairy allergy, big nose, perfectly straight teeth, sort of messed up teeth, and her father was a truck driver. Things like that.

Andy Dixon/Montag - Husbands
Keep in mind that these are not comprehensive lists. That would take minutes more to compile and god knows nobody is even reading this.

The strange ones are much more valuable to me because a lot of them are rare and don,t rely on the kind of person that the girl might be. You can,t really choose to have a lisp or be royalty of have a dairy allergy. That,s the real stuff. That's the stuff that is so good that it has to be chosen by nature rather than free will.

Now, I want all of you readers (yeah right) to go through the list and figure out how many of these qualities you possess. Give yourself one point for each one if it is in the top portion (normal stuff)and three points for each one in the bottom portion (weird stuff). Keep track of your total as you progress through the lists. At the end, add up all of the points and if the total is more than thirty, leave a comment at the bottom of this article with your address and your sleep schedule and I should be contacting you shortly.

Horse

I had three cars when I was in high school. Not at the same time, I kept breaking them so I would have to get new ones. Good thing I am a gigantic spoiled brat and my dad buys me everything. Thanks dad. My third car was not a car. It was a green van. Before I put a CD player in there, it just had a weird stock radio that would pick up a channel below normal radios. It was at 87.5 FM or something. My brother and I would listen to that station everyday on my way to school. It played the audio from PBS and in the mornings it was some children,s show that I had never seen. I think some of the characters in it were from that other show, Arthur. The main guy would go around and hang out with different people, real people, not cartoons. I don't know how the show would work if it were on television. The only one I remember is when he went to hang out with some Hispanic family that built low-rider bikes.

I would get to school fifteen or twenty minutes early everyday and listen to that show while I sat in my car in the parking lot. My brother would get out as soon as we got there because he doesn,t like me because he is better at skateboarding than me. It was nice, I could learn about low-rider bikes or some family from Germany that really likes ice fishing. I learned more in those twenty minutes before school then I normally would in the eight hours following.

One morning, when I was listening to my stories, I saw a girl get hit by a car. She was a mentally disabled girl. I don,t know her name, we didn,t hang out much. She was nice enough though. Sometimes she would pee her pants, but whatever. It,s not like that stuff matters. Sometimes when I pee, I stop too early and when I put my disfigured wiener back in my pants another ounce or two rolls out. I don't care. It,s just some pee. It dries in a little while anyway.

Talking Heads - Speaking In Tongues
The person that hit the girl was this punker girl with really white skin and ugly hair that looked like it was made out of the bristles from old toothbrushes. I think she knew that and that,s why she died it so many gross colors all the time. She wore red plaid pants sometimes. I will never forget her face when she hit that disabled girl. She was so shocked and probably scared that she was going to go to prison for a hate crime again. But she screamed and then covered her mouth but not the normal way that people do when they see somebody die, she covered her mouth because she was laughing. It was nuts. I was an even more horrible person back then than I am now and even I knew that you shouldn,t laugh when he smash into a short, disabled blond girl.

That girl just got up and walked away though. She already had a pretty strange walk to her - sort of a limp. So you couldn,t really tell how bad she was hurt. Probably pretty bad but she just had that ,,Whatever, I am going to piss my pants and get hit by a car and still graduate high school and probably be happier and smarter than most of these idiots" attitude. She was, and still is, the must punk rock person I have ever seen. In retrospect, I probably should have tried to get to know her more.

Organizing Photographs

I am so out of my mind tired right now. I stayed up so late last night. Later than anybody has ever stayed up before. Now I,m at work and everything looks blurry and my eyes feel like dirty raisins. My head feels like it is three quarters full of water so if I tilt it to one side at all it just falls over.

I went to the store today specifically to get some cash back. I didn,t even have anything I wanted to buy. I bought a couple of orange juices because (I just fell asleep for a second)I,m sure that this awesome sleep schedule is going to give me the worst diarrhea-flu ever. I can,t wait. Of course I didn't remember to get cash back and I was too embarrassed to do anything about it so I went home and threw my orange juices away. Then I realized that I left my house key in the apartment. I just sat in the dumb car that I'm borrowing and thought about the sweet sleep of suicide. Turns out my roommate was home so he let me in and I haven,t killed myself yet.

My roommate got a giant pack of toilet paper last Christmas and we are finally down to our last two rolls. We both decided that we,re going to try and make them last a full year so we,re trying to poop at work or just wipe our holes with all of the junk mail we get.

Gorge Trio - Open Mouth, O Wisp
Somebody destroyed my car the other day. They filled the gas tank with milk and I didn,t get the upgrade when I bought my car that allows it to run on a dairy/petroleum mixture. It,s my fault really. I should have planned ahead. There are so many suspects. I have made so many people mad and I have known so many crazy beasts. Now, I,m not pointing fingers at anybody, but some weirdos get really mad if you get tired of them trying to poison you and watch you sleep. Hi. How,s school this semester?

My nice old dad took my car to some shop and they drained the milk. They milked it, as it were. Much of it had turned to cheese and some of it had turned to butter. Luckily, the repairs won,t set me back too much because there is quite the thriving market for petroleum-based cheeses. All I had to do was take that bag of soft, brown curd down to the local farmer,s market and in about two hours I had almost six hundred dollars. Not bad for my first cheese sale.

My Trip To Romania

Last night I went and hung out with a friend. He asked if I wanted to go to a bar with him and this girl and this other girl. I didn,t know the girls and I know bars are dumb but I went anyway, you know, because friends are cool.

Those two girls picked us up. One of them was blond and quiet and hangs out with snowboarders and looked dumb but apparently isn,t that dumb. The other one was fat and had white teeth and talked too much and too loud and her giant boots were shiny and obnoxious. My friend is a handsome guy who looked normal with normal clothes and talks about normal stuff with a normal knife in his pocket. And me, well, I think we all know how fragile and ghastly I am; what with my pubic beard, size small sweaters draped over me like a knit parachute and feeble, weak wrists. We were a perfect little mix.

There was nobody at the bar other than maybe six sad dads watching a television that showed people standing in a field. There was no music, just the sound of tears and the occasional homophobic/homoerotic joke. The room was wet with sadness and dread.

My friend and the quiet girl sat quietly while the pig told me about how she used to live in the south and how now she is a hairdresser. I didn,t care. She asked me what I did and I told her about how uninteresting I am. She didn,t care either but she pretended to. She had fat hands.

Broadcast - Tender Buttons
The next hour went on like that, everybody not caring about each other - we were a real family. Then I got accused of being addicted to porn. I said I was. A little later things got weird when I said that I wanted to eat a dog. The quiet girl sat quietly while the big one degraded me about my diet. I didn,t really care what a twenty nine year old, bag of mashed potatoes hairdresser that dropped out of college and had pants tattooed on her Goliath wrist had to say. I then told her that I hated animals. The quiet one suggested that I eat the fat one,s pet cat. I was interested.

Things got very quiet for a while and then we left. Nobody really talked on the way home. I felt bad because I think my friend wanted to ,,raw dog,, the quiet girl,s butt and I could have ruined it for him. Luckily, he was invited over to her house minutes after we were dropped off at mine. The only stipulation was that I wasn,t allowed to come over.

It was a perfect evening and I could not have asked for anything more. Completely fulfilling and satisfactory in every way.

Tons Of Covers

I almost wasted so much money the other day. I'm trying to save some because all I ever do is break computers and buy new ones so it,s about time I do that again. I was going to get some dumb keyboard that I would never use. It was on Eggslist and it was a good deal so I figured that when I realized that I don,t know how to play any instruments I could just sell it to some white kid that wants to make rap music beats.

I drove way too far and got lost a million times and had a bad attitude by the time I got to the guy's house who was selling it. He was this fat pig with a pubic beard dangling off of his chin and an armband of pot leaves and red flowers tattooed on him. He said his name was Robzilla. At first he didn,t want me to go inside so he brought it outside to show me it worked. Of course it didn,t work at all so we eventually went inside to try and figure out why.

Things got weird for a minute and I thought I was about to get rape-killed. The house was almost completely empty except for two malnourished dogs screaming in a tiny cage in the kitchen. Everything smelled like weed. We went back to his bedroom and some girl was in there. Before I went in he told me to wait a second and I heard him tell her to put some underwear on. She was a potbellied stick of a creature.

Mirah - The Old Days Feeling
He couldn,t find whatever imaginary component he was looking for in his room so he went some place else to try and invent it. She stayed in there with me. Her glistening, pockmarked face looking all the more ghastly in the light from the screensaver of pictures of Ibanez guitars. On a desk was a soiled, makeshift bong and a blown glass pipe featuring a twisted colorful design. The walls were lime green and bare with the exception of two wooden ghosts and a very large Bob Marley poster. She had been watching ghost hunters before I came in.

While Robzilla rummaged elsewhere, the skinny, acne-faced woman kept whispering to me that he was going to kill her for losing whatever he was looking for. She kept saying it over and over. She,s probably long dead by now.

He finally came back and smoked weed in front of me and kept trying to prove to me that the keyboard worked. It didn,t. Some more weird stuff happened involving him sweating all over inside my car and stinking it up and yelling at a guy working at RadioShack.

Heavy

I swept my kitchen today because it was gross. There were so many dead bugs and leaves and pieces of food and skin and hair. My apartment is horrible. The other night I realized that the small flies that I had been eating for the past few days were living in the garbage can so I just threw the trash bag outside. The flies didn,t want to hang out in the bag when I did that so they just swarmed about the house, smashing into my face and trying to get to my brain through my tear ducts. I set out a small bowl of red wine vinegar to entice and destroy them but only one committed suicide in it.

Today I went and bought fly paper to kill them but they were already dead. I went to the dollar store to get it. It,s horrible. That,s where I buy my mouthwash though. None of the food looked good so I bought some rope and a fork and spoon. Everything there was torn out of the packaging already. They had binoculars that made things look smaller. There was an old black woman yelling into her phone. It was a very standard experience.

Squarepusher - Shobaleader One: d,Demonstrator
Whenever I go to an awful store like that I want to wash my hands so bad once I get outside. Everything feels chalky and looks like it has been kept in an Egyptian bunker for several years. I,m going to start grocery shopping at American Eagle Outfitters. Nothing feels chalky there and they have music playing really, really loud there. Loudly.

I wrote this blawg entry about sweeping.

Quiet Songs And Louder Songs

So that dot in my eye is there to stay. At least that,s what the Asian optometrist told me today. She said she has one too but her,s is a ribbon instead of a dot. I didn,t care. She poured some piss in my eyes and I kept laughing. She then tried to poke my eye with a weird, blue, light-wand but I wouldn,t let her. I had to read really small letters and I know I got some wrong but she just kept saying, ,,Good!,, after everything. Do they teach you to say that all the time in optometrist school? She went to school in Massachusetts. I know that because she stepped out at one point and I immediately inspected her credentials she had nailed to the wall hoping that she would be some scam artist trying to steal my ten dollars and blind me. No such luck

I don,t know how to spell Massachusetts. I always spell it Massachusettes, like cigarettes. That,s probably because cigarettes were invented there. Sometimes when I am actually writing, you know, on paper, I spell ,,with,, withe. I,ll never figure that one out. Apparently withe is a real word. It means a tough but supple twig. Looks like my peepee just got a new name. Baby Withe at your service.

Zach Hill - Face Tat
I can,t imagine ever having a reason to call my horrible wiener anything. I try to have as little to do with it as possible. Most of the time, when I,m peeing at my house, I flush the toilet before I,m finished and try to blast out the last bit of it before the water is all gone. I wish that were a sport. No, I wish that were something that people bet on. Like televised piss versus toilet flush matches playing in casinos. Whenever I start up Small Pox Blanket Indian Casino that,ll be one of the games.

My head has hurt all day. I think I,m sick but it might be from the poison that the Asian lady put in my eyes. One of my pupils was way bigger than the other which means she also gave me a concussion. She did give me a neat gift when I left though. It was pair of sunglasses that roll up and fit into a paper tube. They,re called ROLLenses. They,re pretty great and I,m saving them for a special occasion.

Bad Dreams

I have had a little black dot in my eye for way too long now. It,s like one of those normal dots that you see every so often. You know, the kind you can,t look directly at because it,ll just move away. It,s blurry and small and most of the time I don,t notice it but if I try and read or look at anything white it gets noticeable. And I,m going to kill myself if it doesn,t go away.

I hate it so much, I actually did something pseudo-adult and made an appointment at some vision place. I get to do that for almost free because my work said I could and then gave me a piece of paper saying I could. I got the number to the eye place online and it listed all of the languages that were spoken in the office. Apparently the people that work there speak Chinese, Mandarin, Taiwanese, and some asshole fake language called Fukienese. English isn,t listed so I think it,ll be a strange experience.

Richard Thomas - Soggy Martyrs
I told them on the phone that it had been at least ten years since my last eye exam but I have probably never had one. I was just embarrassed to tell them that. I don,t know why I was. It,s not like a dentist where if you say you haven,t been in 4 years they get mad and your teeth look like half melted Flintsones chewable vitamins. My eyes aren't dirty or anything, I just can't get rid of this weird black spot.

I tried splashing water in there. I tried touching my eye with my finger but that just hurt because I had recently finished eating pizza and my hands were all salty and delicious. I tried rolling my eyes in the back of my head to push it back there with my brain but it only made it angrier. I don,t know what to do. If the Fukienese doctor can,t fix it I,m going to have to get the whole eye removed. Then I can be like the bad guy in that movie ,,Last Action Hero,, and have a glass eye but sometimes I'll put a small bomb in my eye and leave it for the police to discover in the apartment and it,ll blow them up.

Awww

I just went on a trip to where Mormons live. That town sucks. That movie sucks too. Anything with Matthew Lillard in it sucks. That guy is forty years old now. Everything in that city looks way too big. The streets are too wide and the blocks are twice as big as they should be. It looks like the fourth world in Super Mario Brothers 3. I like that world for Mario but he,s a plumber and can handle that kind of stress. I,m just a frail boy with a Montgomery Burns-like body who can,t handle walking long distances or looking at big things. I got out of breath crossing the street there.

I spent most of my time there sleeping and the rest of the time I was in a horrible bus depot surrounded by human waste. There was one lady there who was talking really loudly into a headset on her phone. It wasn,t a Bluetooth headset though, it had a big, curly cord that went down to her belt where her phone was clipped. She was wearing a really short, black Harley Davidson tank top and her weird, slanted bellybutton kept winking at me.

Another inhabitant of the bog was some ponytailed guy who looked like his dad beat him because he thought he was gay in highschool so to compensate he got really good at sports and was really muscular but then his dad died and he sort of let himself go and gained a bit of weight and now he walks around bus stations looking at me for too long with a lot of rubber bands holding his ponytail wearing a shirt promoting the move ,,The Crow,, starring Brandon Lee that is too small for his boobs.

Old-fashioned-one-sentence-paragraph right there.

Pole - 2
An old woman that sat next to me with a peculiar neon blue bruise on her face asked me if I was hurting her leg. She said that ever since I sat down her leg had been hurting. I told her that it seemed like she was asking for it with her bad attitude and prodding questions. So what if I,m hurting your leg, bitch? You,re old and ugly and you,re sitting in a horrible bus station with a bunch of horrible people. You,d better expect somebody to cast a spell on you or infect you with something debilitating. She just told me to go to hell and walked to the other side of the room and told some fat slob sitting on the ground what had happened. He just sat with his big dumb mouth hanging open. He wasn,t interested.

I cooked instant mashed potatoes in the dirty microwave there and ate it out of a dirty pot with a dirty plastic spoon. At ten o'clock I walked over to the train station for a change of scenery. Upon exiting the bus depot I was overcome by some guy screaming into a cellular phone (which was probably just most of a deck of cards wrapped in electrical tape) ,,They dykes! They dykes! They goin, crazy! Dats why they trunin, homo. They dykes! The white man was right! He was right about dis!,, Of course, what he was saying is the truth. They are dykes and they are going crazy and turning homo. Thank God somebody finally had the guts to say it.

This Is About You

Last night I went to a dumb show that was too expensive and too far away. I learned that I will not be stupid enough to pay to watch some German idiot stand behind two computers and take the hi-hat in and out of a song for and hour an a half again. Shame on me. The place was filled with people that had bowl cuts. I guess that,s the new cool thing for lesbians. Some horrible trollop that looked like a homeless version of Prince kept slashing her ugly head around and whipping her three long turd braids all over the place. She smelled like a dead elk,s dick. The best part of the night was the excitement I kept feeling every time I would fall asleep driving home. It,s always fun to wake up in a lane you weren,t in a minute ago.

I was late for work today because I am a baby and didn,t get enough sleep. That means I,m going without a shower or change of socks or brushing my teeth with toothpaste right now. It,s going to be a great day. Now it,s raining outside and I don,t have and breakfast-style foods here so I,m going to have to eat Mexican pasta at nine in the morning.

Heavy Heavy Low Low - Hospital Bomber
I slept in a forest the other night. On the way there I stopped at a gross pizza restaurant called House of Pizza. I will give them credit for the name though. Such little thought and effort going into a business venture always makes me happy. I used the bathroom there, which took me eight minutes to figure out. The light switch was on the outside. Inside the bathroom there was a weird sign that still perplexes me. It said, ,,Country Fences Need To Be Horse High, Pig Tight And Bull Strong.,,

I understand the wisdom that the sign was conveying; it,s just a good bit of information for people that are looking to build a fence in the country. But I don,t understand why the proprietor of that awful pizza restaurant would want to present that information to customers when they are pretending to wash their hands after smearing diarrhea all over a small square of paper. Maybe that,s when people are most contemplative. I,m not. I,m just trying to get the brown and the blood out from under my fingernails.

Out Of Money

Guess what day it is.

The other night my joke band played a cool-goth-graveyard show. It was cool because I got to see a good band play. There was nothing cool about us or the abortion we made those bored kids watch. There were a ton of people there. All of them actively didn,t like us. People wouldn,t even take the free stuff we offered. It was a pretty standard night overall.

The good band was good though. All the bored kids were there to watch them play. I almost felt bad that they showed up so early and had no choice but to at least be near the building while we ,,played,,. I was surprised that there were not more gothers at the show. The cemetery was right across the street and it was so dark outside.

Tera Melos - Frozen Zoo 7 inch
I see nine eleven as just another Thanksgiving. But, I mean, I'm thankful that that happened, not like I,m thankful my dad loves me and buys me stuff. It is such a tiny fraction of what America deserves. I wish every building was smashed into by a plane that day. And I wish it would happen every year on the same day. I wish I was on that plane when it cut through that dumb tower. Actually, it would have been cooler to be in the building but not die when the plane hit. I would have run around and went nuts in there and beat up all of the prettiest girls that I worked with and just tossed them out the windows. Then, after I was winded from all of the tossing, I would have run as fast as I could and try to jump to another building; smashing through the windows and ruining that conference room.

That tower wasn,t even that cool. Have you ever even seen the Eiffel Tower or the pyramids or anything. Those should have been blown up too. As soon as I,m rich enough to afford a million planes I,m going to crash them into the pyramids so I can die like a true Egyptian prince.

Greg Ginn

I,ve got to start doing stuff. I have nothing to write about on here for nobody to read. The only thing that has ,,happened,, is that two gigantic pigs moved into the apartment above mine. They spend all day smashing around up there and it sounds like a monster truck show made out of meat. It,s horrible. It,s a brother/sister combo and as far as I can tell, they are both monstrous.

I,ve only seen the brother for a minute but he looked like the guy from one of the American Idols; the fat guy. I,m not going to look up his fat name. My roommate saw the sis and said he thought it was that movie Precious; the fat one. So they,re both fat and I heard one of them fart through the ceiling the other day. It was faint but it sure was a fart.

Squarepusher - Numbers Lucent
They also brought a huge black safe with them. But, it,s made out of lead or something and they couldn,t carry it up the stairs so it,s just sitting in the dead plants out front. It,s probably filled with their precious insulin which they use as a topping on pancakes. Just makin, fun of diabetes, that,s all.

I remember I was at this really cool summer bbq party a few years ago and I saw some dude shooting up and I was so excited because it was the first time I had ever seen that and he was just doing it outside on the sidewalk where we were all sitting. It was so great. But a few minutes later I heard him say something about insulin and I got really bummed out and I left. I figure, if people aren't going to possibly overdose in front of me on the sidewalk then it isn,t worth my time.

Earth Crusher

The other day at work a woman peed all over the place. She peed on the porch, in her room in the trash can, and of course, on her dignity. First, she pissed a big wet splash right through her skin-tight yoga pants onto a bench outside. Biggest bummer: it,s the bench that I usually sit on. She did this right in front of some Australian kid that later gave me a tent and sleeping bag. I would have figured her to be more careful; I,m sure she got splatters all over her hundred dollar Ed Hardy sandals.

Washington Phillips - I Am Born To Preach The Gospel
Then she puked. Then she went to her room and pissed all over in the garbage can. I had to carry the wet bag to outside later and it was a very surprising amount of liquid that she had excreted. It was probably close to a pint all together. Luckily, the bag didn,t have any holes it it. Somehow though, she managed to get quite a bit of her golden release under the bag so it was just pooling up at the bottom of the small, plastic can. Interesting.

The most bizarre part of it all was when she was getting kicked out, she calmly started calling people and telling them that she was getting kicked out for pissing everywhere. Normal as could be.

I think all of her top teeth were fake.

Little Balls Of Fury

I think somebody tried to, or is in the process of trying to, poison me. Everybody knows that I love a good tomato. They are great. But, this information may have slipped into the wrong hands. A little while ago I found a bag of tomatoes hanging from my apartment doorknob. Strange. Most of them looked alright. A couple of them looked like somebody had used them as a pencil sharpener and it was obvious that they weren,t the dumb store-style tomates. They were all weird sized and ugly. Usually I would jump at the opportunity to snack from a mystical Horn of Plenty. This time however, I stopped myself from grabbing those red eggs and mashing them into my ugly face.

A long time ago a little nutcase gave me a giant tomato and then proceeded to be a little nutcase; getting nuttier with everyday, nutting throughout life much like the angry opossums that live in my yard. The nutter has now reached a new apex of nuttiness; scaring me to the point where I won,t eat free food. A horrible thing to admit. But, it,s better to be alive and hungry than killed by a wrinkled tomato that was filled with bleach and Gila Monster poison. So I took that bag and emptied it out for the angry opossum family to enjoy. The cycle of life, you know.

Tera Melos - Idioms Volume 1
After I didn,t eat those tomatoes I drove to Smokeland because my Death Cab For Cutie cover band was scheduled to play a nice, cozy metal show at some hippy cafe. As to be expected, nobody cared that we played. Smokeland is riddled with horrible, horrible creatures. Many of them were swarming around the cafe trying to sell us chains for two dollars and just generally harass us. The most grotesque of them all stumbled in while one of the metal bands was setting up and proceeded to mumble gibberish and demand that some poor girl take her picture several times. Of course when they started chugging out their songs the walking abortion got really close to the singer, like kissing close, and drooled nonsense at him, snatching at the microphone and stomping her one good leg all the while. I think they ended up ,,hooking up,, that night in the bathroom next to the guy that was doing rails of what we all though was coke but was probably Mexican corn flour mixed with lighter fluid. Our best show yet.

Oral Suction

I just did an inordinate amount of driving. I am an idiot and blasted through my life savings in twelve minutes when I bought a stupid car. Ultimate Bummer. Following the logic that I generally use which makes me the horrible, miserable person that I am, I figured I might as well spend the paycheck I haven,t even got yet on gas driving to the middle of nowhere and turning around and driving home. So that,s what I did.

I left way too late at night after working for eight hours and having the most suicide-inducing ,,band practice,, of my life. The trip was off to a great start. I drove until I was casually weaving on and off of the paved surface and slept in a dirt parking lot next to some toilets that were covered in blood and flies. Luv U Nevada! I spent the next day eating warm bagels and listening to the same four records over and over. I did get to enjoy the sublime luxury of yet another freetel though. That was nice.

That evening I walked around in a parking lot and looked at the terrifying hills and ubiquitous TacoTime Home-Style Mexican Food Restaurants. I enjoyed a lovely dinner of fried pickles and sloppy waitresses. One of the fifteen year old kids eating at the restaurant kept getting called fat and it gave him a very loud, obnoxious complex about his neck and face. He wasn,t fat but he was ugly.

Aphex Twin - Melodies From Mars
I had a very tight schedule to keep which meant I had to drive for at least fourteen hours each day. So the next morning I had to get up early, eat a free waffle at the freetel and drive a lot. I didn,t want to see the same stupid road so I went way out of my way so I could look at a different stupid road with weird, lonely rocks on the sides. Everything looked like it wanted to kill me or that it was fake or a mix of both. I felt right at home.

I drove forever and got a nice sunburn. Luv U Nevada! I bought some fireworks called New Small Bees which are exactly as great as you think they are (very), hated how white Utah is, and kept myself from falling asleep at the wheel by counting all of the wind turbines that I passed near my future home all while listening to the same four records.

Long Hair

Work is such a knife in the boner today. Yeah right. I have the easiest job. All I ever do is eat pasta and read dumb magazines and earn cool points on the internet all day. But today I couldn,t do any of that. There is some fat sow here that does annual inspections and she has just been sitting and staring at me all day - judging me, undressing me and penetrating me with her one working eye. It is both erotic and irritating. Much like masturbating with a handful of dead bees.

I spent three hours folding papers. I now have shiny stripes of compressed flesh on the parts of my fingers I was folding with. I think I,m going to die from it. I can see my reflection on my skin. At first I was having fun because I was pretending to be a little German five year old in 1940, working 14 hours a day in the town,s new munitions factory which had taken the place of the old church. Then it got boring really quickly and I almost fell asleep.

Shugo Tokumaru - Exit
I have no idea how to look busy for eight hours here. I spent a really long time boiling water in the kitchen so she wouldn,t be able to see me. Then I ate my dinner really slowly but it got cold so that backfired, just like everything else. Then she went to the grocery store and I went crazy - checking email, treating customers like the trash that they are, browsing scat porn, brushing crumbs onto the floor; all the great stuff that this great job usually affords me.

I,m going to have to do all of this stuff tomorrow too. I am out of stuff to fold so I have no idea what I,m going to do to try and look occupied. Maybe I,ll just keep calling the phone here so I can answer it and get into really long, fake conversations with myself. Or maybe I,ll poison Little Miss Inspector.

I Hate Cats So Much

In the last two days I have eaten an ungodly amount of cereal. I love cereal. I used to eat it a ton when I was a kid. It,s the easiest thing in the world to make and everybody knows that I am a disgustingly lazy person. Cereal and I went hand in hand. Back in my prime cereal days, I used to really like Corn Flakes. I would usually just eat them with milk. Sometimes though, I would put a diabetic amount of sugar in there. I would put so much that the top would be completely white and when I would shovel down to the bottom of the bowl I would scoop up a wet, gritty mound of gold to accompany the soggy flakes. It was great.

Now I hate sweet stuff. I don,t eat or drink anything fun anymore. Probably because of those goddamn cereals. Everything I eat and drink is boring. When I want to go really wild I will have a glass of orange juice and think about what chocolate looks like. God, even that is making me wince. I usually just boil some red pepper flakes and half of a turnip in my shoe for dinner. That,s about all of the flavor I can handle.

But this cereal I have been eating the passed two days has been insane. I rarely eat cereal anymore because it is way too expensive for a human being. So when I stumble upon a free, huge bag of Silly Circles brand family oat and fruit flavored cereal style breakfast food, I jump at the opportunity. I poured myself a giant bowl of it yesterday and threw in somebody,s expired vegan milk I found and had myself a party. I knew it was going to be bad but I just tried to muscle it down in honor of my younger self.

The Chap - Well Done Europe
Today I did the same thing but there were no more Silly Circles. Somebody had left half of a box of Frosted Mini Spooners and two unopened gallons of one percent milk. Milk is horrible. I rarely drink it so I don,t know what it is supposed to smell like. I always think it has gone bad. Even the one I just opened. The sell by date is like three weeks from now but I knew it was putrid. That always taints my experience. My distrust in milk all stems from me being a hypochondriac about things that hypochondriacs don,t care about. Milk.

The Spooners tasted like a sweet holocaust in my mouth where the Jews and gays were replaced by my flaccid taste buds and delicate sensibility. Complete annihilation. And I usually love cereal that is in that shape. The shredded wheat-sawdust at the bottom of the box, Oh My God. It,s the best. But this was just a pile of sugary ash. Burnt clowns piled in a bog of lemon-curd and ginger. I ate every bite of it.

Smiling

I just went and hung out in a dumb beach town for two days. It was full of homeless people with deteriorating faces and bad attitudes. I ate nothing but giant burritos and my body is now an uncomfortable diarrhea machine at this point. I love it. I only got called a faggot once which was surprising and I didn't even get beaten up or anything.

My friend got us this rad freetel (that,s the new phrase for free hotel). Of course I stayed up way too late and watched some show about a mean fish and Food Network. That was pretty great. Somebody peed their pants next to the pool like it wasn,t no thang. It wasn,t. We went to the beach and walked around looking at horrible people. They were all sufficiently horrible.

I didn,t want to spend a ton of money on food so my friend and I bought a Tombstone and went to some kid,s house to cook it. They had a surprisingly clean oven for the amount of rabbit poop on the ground. Everybody was barefoot and smoking weed the whole time and didn,t get any of the hilarious jokes I kept telling. Their loss.

J Spaceman - Silent Sound
The next day we didn,t know what to do and we didn,t have a place to be since we had to leave the freetel. We were treated to a free breakfast of hard boiled eggs, tomato juice, and cold oatmeal to start our day. After our feast we drove around aimlessly and ended up hanging out at my favorite Safeway. Then we went back to rabbit poop house and sat in the sun. Later we slept next to a pool while a woman made out of a garbage bag half filled with jellyfish pointed her dumper at us.

That night my dumb band played a show at that house. A bunch of collegers came. You could tell they were collegers by the lighters smashed in between boobs, the overwhelming stink of Axe Body Mist that filled the tiny room, and the way that the girls there tried to sop up spilled beer with their bare feet. It was sufficiently horrible. We played a bunch of Minor Threat songs and I told more hilarious jokes before, during, and after we played but people still didn,t get them. Some girl passed out and smashed her face on a keyboard though. That was pretty good. She maintained that she was just really tired and fell asleep for a second. She sure convulsed a lot for just sleeping but maybe that,s how people do it down there.

Buying An Old Paint Shop

Last night I went grocery shopping at midnight. It was Friday. That meant that the only other people there besides my friend and I were the horrible, middle-aged creatures that were refilling on bottom shelf tequila and Weight Watcher 100 Calorie Packs of cookies. They were beasts; women with blotchy tanned legs sticking out of their terrycloth anal floss, screaming at the tops of their lungs about how Deborah was so drunk that she fell on a pile of bananas and is now bleeding. I hope Deborah is driving you all to the next bar, you pigs. They had all the ingredients for a night of bloody diarrhea, I can tell you that. I,ll have to check the obituaries for them this week.

So Percussion And Matmos - Treasure State
I spotted two amazing gems checking out pizza in the frozen food isle, specifically, the pizza section. He was a hulking, sweaty lower echelon covered in faded tattoos of stars and naked women and weird dermal piercings on his face that looked like a beetle was laying eggs on him covered in a mix of skintight Ed Hardy, Nor Cal and Tapout clothing. She was a 39 year old rape victim with platform sandals, peroxide extensions falling off of her head, and a super cute ankle tattoo of tweety bird or Taz or something. She also had wobbly, tanned skin and a mutant mouth slathered in fuchsia gloss and infected piercings.

They were meant for each other. I wish I had a picture of them so bad. Just imagine any porn star after a car wreck accompanied by the guy that takes most of her money and hits her regularly. But that doesn,t do them justice. They were gods. They were so much better than gods. I just wanted to follow them around and hear the cultured conversation they were sure to have. Discussions about what kind of vodka gets you drunk faster, how glad they were they gave up all three kids to adoption so they could ,,stay young,,, how much more money they have to save to have enough for her second breast enhancement, and how the new kid at the board shop keeps making him look bad because he is friendlier and sells more and is 18 years younger.

Paper

Tattoos are dumb and Kat Von D is a stupid, ugly bitch. That being said, all I ever do anymore is give people tattoos. It,s my calling in life. I,m glad I found it because it is the only thing that has helped pull me out of my suicidal depression. For a minute there, I was really close to chasing Chris Beeman and smoking a bowl with Jesus and Terri Schiavo. I just had to look up if she is dead or not. Just keeping up on current events.

What I mean by all of this is that last night I gave my poor, patient friend a tattoo with a dirty needle that she found for several hundred hours. It was fun. It was mostly just hanging out and watching movies and eating chocolate and braiding each other,s hair. I,m just full of lies today. It wasn,t that fun because I was stabbing her over and over in the same spot and I can,t draw so it looks like somebody like me, with no experience or talent, tattooed somebody. Permanent Body Bummer.

Matmos - The Civil War
I have always hated that everybody that tattoos people has tattoos. There is a reoccurring conversation in my life about this. I have asked a lot of idiots with tattoos if they would ever be willing to get tattooed by somebody that has never had one. Everybody immediately says no. Sometimes, if people aren,t complete wastes, I can add variables to the equation such as - What if he/she has a large, impressive body of work? Or, What if a friend of yours can testify to his/her expertise? A few people might realize that they are idiots for saying no so quickly and succumb to my overwhelming, perfect genius. Most people are total wastes however, and obstinately refuse to accept the idea that a tattoo ,,artist,, with no tattoos can be good at anything.

The most common reasoning for their staunch idiocy is something like, ,,They can,t be good at it if they haven,t experienced it themselves.,, That,s like saying a brain surgeon wouldn,t be good at his job unless he has undergone brain surgery. Or that a cosmetic surgeon wouldn,t be capable unless he had giant, spherical boobs with a large, stretched-out flat area in between them. Luckily, most surgeons must have numerous procedures performed on them before they get their licenses. It,s the rules. The rules of surgery. And they must never be broken.