Pregnant

I have been so into Japanese stuff lately. When I work nights I have to just sit in a chair next to a computer for eight hours. Sometimes I read stuff but most of the time I am listening to music and looking at blawgs that are free of content and full of anime and pokemon references that I don,t understand. Oh, and sometimes I dump out a two paragraph long lie that I call homework and turn in to a rad teacher that is somehow letting me get a degree that I,ll never use.

But all this Japanese stuff is so rad. I look at all these Japanese pictures all day that I don,t get. Then I listen to Japanese music. Then I want a Japanese camera. And I even have a Japanese friend now.

Guitar Wolf - Planet Of The Wolves
It was all fun and cute cartoons with small smile-mouths for a while but now I,m getting worried. I called up my family doctor and told him what I,ve been up to and you know what he said? That old internment camp alumni said that I have yellow fever. Whoobs!

So now I,ve just been monitoring my intake of sneaky sausage plates and rice krispies. The good doctor said I should be healthy as a worn-torn country covered in American CDs with better technology than anybody else in no time. Also, as part of my treatment I had to go to a fancy Chinese restaurant last night and only leave a forty-nine cent tip. Who put peepee in who,s coke now?

I just talked to Jerry Hsu and he said he,s switching to Japanese. Take that!

Liver Darling Liver

I work in this big mansion. It used to be somebody,s house and then it was a place for dead guys and then it was a restaurant and now it,s a place where people from other countries come to say wifey instead of wifi. You know, the internet. Also, a witch made a guy puke there once and another time a guy shot drugs in the bathroom next to a room full of sleeping girl scouts. I like that place.

A little while ago I found a Nintendo DS Lite there. It was pretty rad. It was hacked so you could play Tony Hock,s Skate 2 online and be mean to ten year olds. I already have a way better DS that is just a really small piano so I figured I would sell the found one and make a quick buck in order to pay for my mounting legal bills.

I found out about this new website called eggslist where you can list porn and used undies and Nintendo DS Lites to sell. So I posted a quick pic of the lovely found Tony Hock machine and soon emails were flooding in trying to low-ball my advertised price by like 30 boners. Real cute.

Growing - Vision Swim
The Epidemic - Now Museum-Now You Don,t
One person emailed me about traiding. Let,s call her animallover_babe2004 because that was her email address. I,m going to quote some of our correspondence now.

animallover_babe2004:
Are you open to any trades? Thanks

Being the curious little weasle that I am I wrote:
Possibly, what sort of trade would you like to make?

animallover_babe2004:
I have iPods, ps1, ps2, n64, dvd player, videonow portable dvd player, icush for gamer chair, sprint palm centro, a kodak easyshare camera...anything like that?

I wrote:
What,s up with those ipods?

animallover_babe2004:
I have 2 shuffles and a 3rd gen nano

At this point I knew there was no way I was going to trade Tony Hock,s tech deck mega ramp for any of her trash. So like anybody would, I typed her cute email address into Blackle.com to see if I could find out how fat she was. I was pleasantly surprised when I found that she was an avid user of Yehaw answers. I looked through all of her insightful answers and eventually saw the kinds of questions she was asking strangers on the internet.

My last response to her was a polite decline of her dumb ipods and a simple copy and paste of my favorite question she had asked the horny rape-o-philes that live on the internet. Here it is.

No thank you. I,m not interested in trading for that.

I just got my hood re-pierced on August 13th. It,s been 7 days and it is still really sore...I originally had my hood pierced in 2005, but got into a car accident shortly after and the jewelry was removed and the hole closed up. I had a much smaller gauge originally (curved barbell and now it is a large straight barbell). I was able to have sex and do all normal activities THE SAME DAY. NOT this time around...Up until 2 days ago it was too painful to even touch really (and swollen). The swelling is almost completely down, but if I touch it or flick it wrong (I tried using my vibrator today and that wasn,t such a great idea; 30 seconds made it hurt for over an hour after I was done)...it just hurts. It bled for about 3 days (I only recall a few hours of bleeding the first time around)...Is it only hurting more because of the bigger gauge? Will the pain go away soon, AND WHEN? I can,t not hit the piercing with my vibrator it,s so large. Should I go back in to get smaller jewelery put in (is that going to suck since I now have a larger hole)? Should I wait it out a little longer to see if it becomes less tender and if the pain subsides? Am I just impatient and is this normal with all larger gauges? The piercer recommended the piece and I know he has been doing piercings (and tattoos) for a very long while...It,s not infected, I am just frustrated and want it to feel ,,good,, but after a week, all I,m feeling is hurt! What do experienced women who have the same piercing recommend? Please list your advise please. I,m horny and this damn piercing is starting to tick me off, I can,t do anything now I got it done! THANKS

Long story long, we met up shortly after and she is still very swollen and red and infected and now pregnant.

Fish Swimming

So the other day I made oatmeal for the first time in like 12 years. Actually, probably like 15 years. Maybe more. I have had it in my mind that oatmeal is gross for a long time. Probably because it looks like it came out of a sick baby that has a wasting disease or something. It looks gross and smells like warm dicks.

As we all know, I often visit my beloved Food Bank so I can continue living. I just love the people that congregate there. A little known fact is that places such as the great Bank are built on three basic pillars:
1. A complete misunderstanding of language and it,s uses by the proud patrons of said social service organizations
2. Oatmeal
3. Really hard bread with fun blue spots on it

It is the second of these three pillars which renewed my interest in the hot breakfast treat.

Steve Reich - Different Trains
I still have between 8 and 15 bags of instant oatmeal in my apartment. Luckily a visiting friend has agreed to eat them all in turn for me getting my balls tattooed like kiwis. I did try and make some of the yellow slop though, you know, just for self-flagellation. It was exactly as I had expected. I figure it tastes very similar to the stuff that comes out of a woman after the baby comes out. So it was a good experience.

My day at the zoo

Today I was in a store trying to buy my bits and pieces for a lunchtime feast. Well.....a poor mans munchtime feast. I go to check out with my soup and bread like any normal patron of the store. This Slug behind the counter paid to help me was far off from the tasks of her job. I did the typical greetings you would expect from someone in a hurry on their lunchbreak and received nothing in return. Ok, fair enough...I hate my job too. Then as I am instructed to pay by this worm, I slide my debt card and wait for a response...."Oh yeah, I need to get this People subscription, I buy it every week anyways so I may as well get it sent to my wormhole." Transaction pending......."SIR, you need to slide your card" I slide the damn thing and I need a response. "Let me see that catalog. "Oh yeah...Celebrity magazine, I could use that one too." Lady, you need to hit that little button to make the transaction finish. 2 minutes later..."Is my card going through or what?" I exclaimed. No response. I wait another few seconds until she hands me my receipt without a word coming from her slimy mouth. Bags in hand, I shake my manic little head and walk off. I get half way back to the office before realizing the fine products I just purchased contained a certain slime, poisonous to my kind. I flip a bitch and head back to make a return.

In closing, I had to wait in line again, get re directed by this little snail to customer service, wait again, then explain why I was there. At this point, my lunch is over, I am late back to work, hungry and generally disappointed.

When you live in a world of slugs.......Always carry a little extra salt with you.