A Long Nap

I think my friend is supposed to come live with me soon. Maybe he,ll be here today or tomorrow. He lived with us before and it was great. All he did was bang chicks. He had to sleep on the couch so he would bang them in the living room and I would walk out there when they were in the middle of it and act like I wanted to get some water or something. I wonder how often he jerked off on the couch. Probably a lot. He lived with use for four months. That,s why we had to get a new couch cover after he left. It felt really crunchy.

Then he got too good for us and his free living situation and decided to move to a big city to pursue his dreams of working in a dumb bar and record store. He really made it big. I bet he made out with girls while he was at work. He,s that kind of guy - suave, handsome, debonair, drugs girls. Whatever get,s the job done, right? He probably doesn,t drug girls. I don,t know. The last time I hung out with him and a girl together he didn,t drug her but he also didn,t fist them either so who knows what he would have done had he not been watched by his current landlord/oldest friend.

DJ Nate - Da Trak Genious
He usually likes girls with dyed hair and tattoos. He used to live with one girl that had a lot of tattoos. We all went and saw Henry Rollins yell about something together. Somebody pulled the fire alarm because Henry Rollins is an annoying bully. That girl he lived with was pretty nice but she may have been a robot or at least part robot. She had a robot name and I think she never went swimming because of her circuitry or motherboard or something. I can,t remember. I didn,t see her that much.

Even if she wasn,t a robot, he is still coming to stay on our couch again and cover it in his precious seed. It,s what he does best. When he lived here before, he thought pouring coffee on my computer would be a cool thank you for letting him stay here rent free. It was a nice gesture but he could have just bought me a sandwich or something and I would have been happier about it. Oh well. It,ll be nice to have him back. I,m going to secretly watch him have so much sex.

Sick Little Worm

I went and bought cereal last night at 11:30 PM. I usually try to avoid grocery stores when it,s late on a Friday night because they are generally overrun by Ed Hardy muscle dicks and girls wearing shiny blue dresses with their assholes hanging out. Don,t get me wrong, I,m a man who enjoys a good dumper, but not when it is being thrust at me by some emaciated blond girl who,s breath smells like Flintstones chewable vitamins and Grey Goose vodka that she took from her ex-boyfriend,s house right before they broke up earlier that night because they were fighting about how late is too late to take Plan B. She took it anyway but as a precaution, figured the vodka would help slow the development of any nightmare inside of her that will become a reality in nine months.

Luckily, I didn,t have to deal with much of that last night. There were a few guys there that probably wanted to kick my ass for wearing a sweater instead of some hot girl,s pussy juice on my wiener but whatever, I get that feeling whenever I go anywhere. Instead, I got to watch some obviously underage kids buy a ton of alcohol and yelp in excitement as they brought their bounty outside. Good for them. Hopefully they all planned on driving later that night.

After the thirteen year olds left, I was joined in line by two hemp poncho wearing characters. I didn,t bother turning around to get a good look at their pot seed covered beards but I could sure smell them. They were having a fervent discussion on the merits of Home Town Buffet, or as they called it, HTB. Each side had very compelling arguments, both for and against the restaurant. The first gentleman stated his opinion by that, ,,Dude, HTB? Home Town Buffet? That place is gross as shit but it,s fucking good, you know?,, The other gentleman retorted that, ,,Dude, fuck that. That place is hella good.,, I,m not really sure who was for or against that restaurant but there were clearly two opposing sides to the argument and both had well thought out reasons for their position.

Family Room - Blood Orange
Unfortunately, the sassy cashier had finished ringing up and bagging my cereal pretty quickly and it would have been a little too strange for me to wait around and see what other rhetorical gems these two modern day Platos would release upon the world. I humbly took my cereal and walked to my car a little wiser and a little anxious for what will soon be my first visit to the enigmatic HTB.

On the way out, some girl wearing billowy yoga sweats and leopard print slippers walked in front of me and may have farted. She was on the phone with somebody whose name was undoubtedly either Blake of Tyler. I think they were making arrangements for an anal call. It,s like a booty call but all sexual activity is strictly confined to the colon because

A) The girl really likes having her butt stretched
B) The guy is gay but won,t admit it
C) The guy refuses to use a condom because ,,They don,t make ,em big enough for me.,,
D) The girl is on her period
E) She,s pregnant and thinks that if you put a penis where the baby lives it,ll end up gay
F) They both somehow think that you can,t get an S.T.D. if you blast in a rump
G) All of the above

Grill Your Ram

I am horrible. I just farted and it smells like a kind,s playground. I quit using Chapstick a while ago and my lips feel, look, and taste like worms on a July sidewalk. It,s awful. Now I know what people felt like in Auschwitz. I don,t know when it is supposed to go away. Does everybody use Chapstick all the time? If you quit using it do your lips remain disgusting and shriveled and bloody for the rest of your life? I have all of these unanswered questions and I can,t find a support group anywhere. I would start one but I would set a very bad example by having a set of lips that looked like grilled chicken penises.

Max Tundra - Which Song Single/QY20 Songs EP
I may have to get surgery if this problem doesn,t fix itself. I think people do that all the time. Celebrities do. They can afford to stop using Chapstick and get reconstructive surgery to inject life back into those chalky gummies. If I eat anything with salt I scream out in pain. Hot stuff is out of the question. I have been living on gruel and powdered milk that I have been snorting. I could probably eat ground up stuff through a straw so it would bypass my festering sores. I feel like it is going to spread through the inside of my body and I am going to have chapped guts. Millions of people die from that every year.

I would get a lip transplant with somebody. I would flip them upside down though. I am tired of having a fat, swollen bottom lip. My top teeth aren,t as insulated. It,s their time to shine. I would try and get two top lips so I could never close my mouth. I knew a kid who looked like he had two top lips. He always pissed me off.

I Am Getting Tired

Tomorrow I have to spend the night at work. I have never done that before because sleeping in this place is gross and sometimes people wake up covered in bugs. I don't want that to be me. I am terrified of things that can make me itch. The only reason I am doing it is because I recently spent all of the money I have ever earned and I will be getting paid to sleep.

I have to work the morning after I stay there so it'll be like a sixteen hour long shift. I think I,ll try and stay up all night so I can be crazy the next day. Maybe I,ll sleep on the foosball table. I think I,ll put all of the sheets in the dryer before I go to bed so it,ll kill all of the bugs and make for extra comfortable sleeping arrangements. I also think it might be nice to shout intermittently throughout the night to worry other guests. They wouldn,t be quick little bursts of noise. I would want them to be long, sustained, flat shouts that lasted between eight and fifteen seconds each. They would sound like I was saying the word ,,ball,, for a long time. If anybody complains to my boss I can just tell him that I have chronic night terrors.

Tex Ritter - Blood On The Saddle
I don,t really have chronic night terrors. I rarely remember any of my dreams. I like to think that all of my dreams can,t be remembered because I fart them out in my sleep. I wonder if my roommate ever hears me farting my dreams out. Probably. Sometimes in the morning, when I,m still in bed, I can hear him farting in the bathroom. Hi Ben.

I remember when he and I were driving somewhere and we were at a stoplight and he was picking his nose. He doesn,t usually care about that stuff because he,s a punk rocker and boogers are just free food anyway. Some girls in a car next to us saw him picking his nose and started flailing their arms and laughing, trying to get his attention to assure him that they had caught him in this shameful, forbidden act. He saw them laughing and mimicking him so he stared them right in the eyes, stuck his finger deep into his nose, and popped it right into his mouth. He makes John Lydon look like a dead baby,s cock tip.