Hat

The other day I cleaned my ears in a really dangerous way. I jammed a cotton swab really far in there. I was super dirty and I wanted to make sure that I got all of the slime out of my brain. I think I went too far in because I felt dizzy for a day and a half afterward. That was scary. I was sure that I had head cancer. I,m not dizzy anymore, but I guess I still might have cancer and just not know it yet.

I cured my stupid head by twisting it certain ways. I watched an insane video on how to do it and I thought it was crazy, but I guess people go to real doctors to have them do it so I tired it and it worked immediately. It was nuts. I can,t believe somebody figured out how to cure a case of the old wiggly brain just by tilting your head. The first six seconds of the video are absolutely terrifying.

Antony And The Johnsons - The Crying Light I,ve been applying for jobs that I am completely unqualified for. I look for ones that specifically say things like, ,,You must have at least five years of experience piloting spaceships,,, and I send them my resume and tell them that I have no experience doing anything like that, but that I am a really cool person and I bet that they,d like me. Nobody has responded yet, but I bet somebody will. Somebody will understand how valuable a cool dude with no experience is. They,ll call me and beg me to be a part of their science factory. They,ll offer me a million dollar salary and I,ll take it because I could use a million dollars right now.

Mordecai And Margaret

I just got back from a sweet little trip. In more important news, my right ear has been kind of deaf for the past day and I think it just started working again a few seconds ago. That,s great. Now I won,t have to email my stupid doctor and ask him how much new ears cost. I have never met my doctor, but I have been to his office a few times for things. I always see nurses. That,s how I like it. I hate my doctor because he scolded me when I asked him if he could give me a vasectomy. When I grow up, I,m going to give that guy a bad Yelp review.

The trip I went on was pretty good. The weather was nice, I didn,t get struck by lightening like I thought I would, I still don,t have lice, I still have my important body parts, and I made it home on schedule. I saw some cool stuff. I ate some tasty French fries and some very bad pancakes. I drank some very warm water. I got kicked out of a bus station by a woman wearing a Hawaiian shirt. I broke an inflatable pillow.

Dur-Dur Band - Volume 5 The best part was seeing cool mountains and lakes. The most uncomfortable part was when a weird deer looked at me. The worst part was spending six hours with two of the most terrible people I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. They were a couple. Their names were Jonah and The Pig Woman. Jonah had a head half-full of short dreadlocks and a beautiful anarchy symbol tattooed under one of his eyes. He yelled with a thick, stupid accent and lied about everything. The Pig Woman looked like a human grub. She worse a stained, ripped, puke green shirt and I can,t remember what her face looked like because I tried to look at it as little as possible.

They were indescribably awful, but I,ll try to do my best. Jonah didn,t have an inside voice. He only yelled and he yelled for hours. He yelled about how stupid he was. He yelled about how many times he had been to jail. He yelled about doing a back flip and landing on his face the other day. I believed that part. He drank bottle after bottle of piss-yellow beer and ate bites of dirty hot dog with room temperature relish mushed on them.

The Pig Woman was similar. She would yell a story as loud as she could and Jonah would try to outdo her stupidity with an even more uninteresting tale. They went back and forth like this for hours until their swollen bodies were so full of alcohol and hot dog chunks and cigarette papers that they could no longer maintain consciousness. If even a momentary lull occurred in the conversation, The Pig Woman would fill it with a loud, long acapella version of a song. She puked out full, exhausting interpretations of songs by Sublime, Everlast, and The Counting Crows. It was intolerable. I am very thankful that it is very unlikely that I will ever have to see them again.

Eating Hot Dogs

Last night at work, some guy wearing all white climbed through a window. That was pretty wacky. He was hanging out for a while and eventually I told him he had to leave. He didn,t leave so I told him again and again and he finally left. A few minutes later, somebody came and told me that somebody just climbed through a window downstairs. I went down there to see what was up and the all white dude saw me and sort of ducked away. I told him to come upstairs and he did and the police got called and he took off.

That,s the normal part of the story. Then a cop came and I told him what happened and what the dude looked like and he said that it would probably be easy to find him. He didn,t find him, though. He didn,t find him at all because an hour later the all white guy came back. It was nuts. It was like he didn,t realize that he had just broken into a building and had the cops called on him.

Sean McCann - Music For Private Ensemble I asked him to hang out for a bit while I made some calls to see if it was cool if he stayed. I called the police and he just sat in a chair like an idiot until they finally arrived. I told them what was up and they took the dude outside to talk to him. He was getting pretty weird and antsy by that time. I was guessing that maybe he had drugs on him or something illegal, but I didn,t care. I had been at work for over eight hours at that point and I was tired of this dude making me work while I was at work.

I was packing up my stuff to finally leave when I heard the front gate slam and somebody yell a couple of times. They weren,t yelling words. They were yelling noises. I looked outside to see what happened and the cops had the dude on the ground. Maybe he tried to run or something. He was a thin guy. He was probably a good runner. Maybe he tried to jump the gate and smashed into it instead and then the police just laid on him for a minute and put him in their car. The strangest part of all of it was that his ,,mother,, called today and asked if it would be alright if he stayed here tonight.

Cross Your Fingers

I recently started making my own bread. It,s pretty crazy and awesome. It takes forever because you have to wait for the dough to fart a lot and it makes my apartment really hot because I have to cook it at a million degrees, but it,s totally worth it. It,s so cheap and tasty and cool. It makes me feel like a real human.

There are only two downsides to making and eating my own delicious bread. One is that I don,t have a Dutch oven so I cook it in a big, cheap soup pot that apparently is not made to withstand such extreme temperatures. The pot is slowly turning more and more brown each time I use it. Soon it will start releasing toxic fumes in the oven and it will imbue an extremely potent poison into the cooking dough. I will die.

Matt Dotson - Revolution/Circumvention The other downside is that I have been eating so much crusty bread lately that my mouth looks like I have been eating teeth. It is so cut up right now. Its horrible. I can only eat soft stuff or my eyes start crying. I tried to eat crackers yesterday and I only got through three of them before I had to call it quits. That,s so embarrassing. I,m glad nobody saw that and I,m glad that nobody is reading this.